When people come to me for advice, I have a terrible tendency to tell them what to do instead of help them come to their own decision.  Our job as bodhisattvas is to help people cultivate within themselves the wisdom to make their own sound decisions.  If we always tell people what they should do, then it may help them in their current situation, but it doesn’t help them learn to be able to make their own decisions in future situations.  As banal as it may seem, it is the whole “teach a man to fish” logic.  Likewise, when somebody makes their own decision, they “own it” and therefore it has much more power within their mind.

When we give people the answers, we also sometimes risk them rejecting our advice because they may feel like we are imposing something on them or somehow depriving them of their freedom to make their own choices.  Alternatively, if we give people the answers, we can sometimes create a spiritual laziness in the other person where they just let us tell them what to do without them doing the internal work of figuring out for themselves what they should do (and thereby improve their spiritual decision making).  In such a situation, it may seem like they have faith, but we are actually depriving them of developing their own wisdom.

Does this mean we should never give people advice of what to do?  Of course not.  But there are conditions for when we should do so.  First, we should make sure that they are actually asking for our advice.  If they are not, we should definitely not give them any (except under very extreme circumstances).  Second, we should make it absolutely clear that the other person is completely free to ignore our advice without there being any emotional or relational penalty.  Third, we should do so more in general principles of how to approach the problem, not the specifics of what they should exactly do (so you give them a direction, but leave them to figure out how the general principle specifically applies to their situation).  Fourth, and most importantly, we should always make sure the other person understands the “why” behind our advice, not just the “what” they should do.

When you do offer advice, do so in the verbal context of telling an illustrative story about something that happened to you once or about somebody else you know without directly applying the story to their situation (let them make that connection).  Or at the limit, say something like “if it was me, I would do …”

As a general rule, when we offer advice to others, we should do so as part of a general program of gradually weaning them off of us telling them what to do.  In the beginning, people will want us to tell them specifically what they should do.  This is not necessarily a bad thing because if they do so for enough time they will learn and gain some experience with spiritual decision making and understand the “why” they are doing things in that way.  Over time, they start to become familiar with these “whys” and see that the correct spiritual choice works, so they are then able to better make good decisions in the future on their own.  Then we gradually wean them off of us telling them what they should do by asking them more questions which then leads them to their own answers.  Eventually, they won’t need to come to us as much because they have become sufficiently familiar with the key principles of their spiritual decision making that they no longer need to come to us.

So as hard as it is for me, I have recently been putting a great deal of emphasis on holding back from telling people what to do and instead just talking generally or asking more questions.

(Ha ha!  I just re-read this post, and the whole thing is written in the language of me telling you, the reader, what you should do!  How ironic!  I was going to go back and change it to “I am trying to do …”, but I find it so funny the way it is that I decided to just leave it.  Have a good laugh!  I clearly have a long way to go!)

Your turn:  What skillful advice do you have about how to help people make good decisions on their own?

Normally, when we are kind and generous towards somebody, at the very least we expect a little gratitude and appreciation for what we have done.  When it is not forthcoming, we become bitter towards the other person and develop regret for having been kind and generous.  We likewise develop the thought, “well, if they are going to be like that, then I won’t help them again in the future.”  What really drives us crazy is when we take our time to really help somebody, often times helping them do something which is not even our job, and then they criticise us for having made a mistake when we helped them!  Gen Losang tells the story of how he went into the kitchen at Manjushri Center and saw that the person who was supposed to have cleaned the kitchen did not do their job.  So, like a good bodhisattva, he decided to clean up the kitchen for them (this is a very big kitchen).  Then, just as he was almost finished, the person who was responsible for the kitchen came down, and instead of saying thank you, told Gen Losang in a critical way, “you missed a spot.” Just imagine how we would respond…

Being a parent is truly a thankless job.  When our children are babies, of course they don’t express any gratitude and we don’t expect them to because we know they are not capable.  But we do quite quickly become attached to them smiling back at us or giving us a coo or a kaw.  Generally speaking, though, we are able to give fairly unconditionally to babies.  Later, however, our attitude changes.  As our kids enter the middle to late toddler years, they grow extremely impatient with us.  They are so used to having us do everything for them, they are still not very capable of much, and they have a heightened sense of themselves being the center of the universe.  So if you don’t help them immediately, they start to get upset at you.  You do everything you can to help them learn how to do things on their own, and when they are finally capable of doing so, they get upset at you when you are no longer willing to do it for them.  When they reach 9 or 10, they learn the phrase “you are ruining my life”, and we hear this often.  When they become a pre-teen and early teenager, we become nothing but a source of embarrassement for them and they don’t want to have anything to do with us.  When they become a teenager, it is as if they are programeed to rebel against us and reject all that we stand for.  Also from about 9 on, we never stop hearing about how their friends have XYZ and they don’t, and how we are such bad parents because of that.  Or they say their friend’s parents never fight or never get upset at them, that we are the worst parents on earth.  As they get older, our function is reduced to being an ATM, and no matter how much money we give them it is never enough.  We may put them through college, enduring incredible sacrifices, but then they resent us for not having also paid for graduate school.  They then never call, never let us know what is going on, except when they get in trouble when they expect us to bail them out, and get upset at us if we do not.  When they have kids, their principal objective is to make sure they do not repeat all of the many mistakes we made when they were growing up.  At some point, life gets really hard for them and they can’t cope.  They then turn to modern psychology which explains that it is our parents fault that we are so screwed up!  So we become the object of blame.  Finally, when we are old and in need of their help, they are too busy with their own lives to be there for us.  They may help, but they do so with resentment, and we cannot help but feel miffed about their lack of gratitude.

One might look at all of this and think, “those little bastards, why would anybody want to have kids in the first place!”  But this is completely wrong.  In reality, we should be grateful for our kids being so ungrateful, because it is through their attitude that we can learn to give and care for others unconditionally.  Most of our interactions with everybody else in our life is some form of transaction, “I will do this for you if you do that for me.”  But with our kids, it is different.  We are willing to do things for them without expecting much in return except gratitude, but when they deny us even this, we can then learn to fully purify our giving and caring of expecting anything in return.  We give and we care because we want to train in love and virtue.  Virtue is its own reward.  If we take advantage of this opportunity, we will be able to quickly develop the minds of unconditional love and compassion, which are essential stepping stones on the path to enlightenment.

But we may object, “isn’t it our responsibility as parents to teach our kids to be grateful.”  The answer is, yes, of course.  But we have to make a very clear distinction between attachment to their gratitude for us and wanting them to learn the human quality of being grateful for their own sake.  If what we really want is gratitude for all our hard work and we nag our kids about showing gratitude, then we will get external expressions of gratitude but inside we will engender in them resentment towards us.  The attitude we should have is, “I don’t need your thanks, but as a human being you need to learn to be grateful for anything anybody does for you.”

But even though we ourselves don’t need their gratitude, from their side they still need to learn how to be grateful human beings.  So our job as their parents is to help them cultivate this grateful attitude.  The question is how?

There are several things we can do to help our kids learn gratitude.

1. Set a good example of always being grateful for what others do for you.  When they see you having this attitude, they will naturally model it on their own (unless of course you nag them about how they need to be like you).
2. Never be upset when people do not show gratitude towards you.  If they get upset about how others are not grateful towards us, then we can explain to them that we give because it is the right thing to do not because we expect anything in return.
3. Develop within your own heart a genuine gratitude for your own parents, teachers, and those who have shown you kindness.  If you feel such gratitude, you will naturally express it and it will be naturally contagious to your children.  As you use roads, cars, buildings, tools, etc., develop a feeling for how kind everyone is for providing these things for you to use.
4. Show gratitude for everything your kids do do for you.  It is especially important to be grateful when they show kindness to you because then they can learn the dynamic.
5. Help them show gratitude towards others who help them, such as their teachers.  Help them really appreciate all that their teachers do by yourself being grateful and helping your kids do special cards or give special presents of thanks.  But you shouldn’t help them be grateful towards you, just others.  Whenever somebody does something nice for them, it is OK to encourage them to say thank you (just don’t nag them about it).
6. Take advantage of birthdays, Christmas and mother’s/father’s day to help them get in the habit of showing their gratitude.  For example, as a father I should take the time to go to the mall with my kids so that they can get a gift for mother’s day.  On their mother’s birthday, I should help them realize if it weren’t for their mother being born, they wouldn’t be.  At Christmas, help them understand the cause of receiving (which is what they want) is they themselves giving to others in thanks.
7. Help them realize, “nobody owes you anything.”  It is true, we tend to think that others, especially our parents, are obliged to do things for us.  But why is that?  Nobody is obliged to do anything for us.  If we expect people to do things for us and they do them, we dismiss their act as “normal”.  But if we expect nothing from anybody, and then somebody does anything for us, then we are naturally grateful.  It is all about our expectations.  If we can help our kids understand that nobody owes us anything, then we can help reset their expectations.

If we do these things, there is a good chance that our children will learn themselves to be grateful, but then again, maybe not.  We should not ‘need’ them to become grateful.  What we need is to learn how to give and love unconditionally.  One could even say it is our forewarned knowledge that we will likely never receive gratitude from our children, and in fact we will likely become the object of blame, that makes our giving and caring for our children today that much purer.  So we should embrace this fact, and indeed be grateful for it!

Your turn:  What act of kindness are you currently engaging in for which you still have attachment to receiving gratitude?

When we first start to practice the Dharma and experience some of its powerful effects on our life, our first instinct is to try get everyone else to practice the Dharma as well.  This is especially true for our children.  We see clearly how the Dharma could help all those in our family, and we want them to be happy, so we want them also to come into the Dharma.  The essence of all Dharma instructions is Bodhichitta, the wish to become a Buddha so that we can help others do the same, so it seems only fitting and appropriate that we try help our children also practice the spiritual path.  But it is precisely because we want our children to also take up a spiritual path that we have to completely let go of the idea!

I once asked Gen Losang, “please give me a 100% guarranteed method for helping my children come into the Dharma.”  His reply was “send them to Catholic School.”  While he was of course joking, his point was well made.  The more we try push our kids into a particular spiritual path, the more obstacles we create to them actually following it.  The fundamental point is this:  the spiritual path only works if you do it from your own side because you realize you need it and you want it.  The same is true for our kids.  We can enculturate our kids into the Dharma, surrounding them with all sorts of Buddhas, take them to Buddhist teachings and temples, but we can’t ever make them practice.  Since Dharma is a process of changing our own mind, it is something that has to come from within them.  Like all other things with our kids, the more we push them into something, the more they will reject it.

It is very easy for our motivation wanting our kids to practice to become contaminated.  The more attached we are to them ‘being Buddhist’ or ‘practicing’, the more we guarrantee that they will run away.  When somebody tries to manipulate you into believing something, what is your reaction?  You reject what they have to say.  We become attached to them practicing because we have these fantasies of the whole family joyfully practicing Dharma together.  We become attached to them practicing because we want to impress our Dharma friends with how ‘into’ the Dharma our kids are.  We become attached to them practicing because we are tired of dealing with their problems, and we know the Dharma can fix them.  We become attached to them practicing because we think if they practice too we will have less obstacles to our own ability to go to teachings, festivals and the like.  We become attached to them practicing because we have a tendency to try have our kids live the life we wish we had lived, but didn’t.  We become attached to them practicing because we feel like we will have failed as a parent if they do not.  The list goes on and on.  Each and every one of these minds is an enormous obstacle to our children’s spiritual life, and we must abandon every single one.

A very senior teacher once told me, “Leave your children completely free to come into the Dharma from their own side, and in that space set a good example.”  He then went on to say, “and frankly, the same is true with adults.”  As long as our motivation is mixed with any of the above attachments, we are not leaving them completely free.  The reality is the Buddhist path is not for everyone.  We need to accept that it is quite likely our kids will never practice the Dharma (in this life, at least).  And this is perfectly OK.  For me, it has been so difficult to generate a genuinely pure motivation free from any of these attachments, that I have had to go to the opposite extreme and completely and totally forget about the idea of them ever practicing.  My job is to work on my own mind.  Full stop.  My job is to gain experience of the instructions within my own mind, nothing more.  I just need to go about my business of practicing the Dharma myself, transforming myself, becoming a better person, a better father, and if in so doing my kids develop an interest in the Dharma, then that is their business, not mine.  The interesting thing, though not at all surprising if we think about it, is the more I let go of any of my family practicing, the more they become interested in it.

We should only give our children Dharma instructions if they ask for it – many times, and genuinely from their own side.  We can always give them wisdom, because wisdom is equally useful for everyone, but we should only explain to them the Dharma as such based upon repeated requests on their part.  A mistake that I have made very often is when my kids do ask from their own side, all of my attachments come surging back up, and then I flood them with way more Dharma than they asked for.  The end result is they can’t digest it all, they wind up feeling overwhelmed, and so they reject what I had to say and they become fearful of ever asking me again.  It is far better to give them significantly less than what they asked for than even a little bit too much.  If you give them too little, they can then ask for more again from their own side.

Once somebody tastes or observes pure wisdom, they are able on their own to discern the difference between qualified and unqualified instructions.  A living example of somebody transforming themselves with the Dharma is infinitely more powerful than any words we can say.  If we ourselves are living our lives in accordance with the inner meaning of the instructions (not just adopting the external paraphanilia of a ‘Dharma practitioner’), then this will be the greatest teacher our children can have.  We should even let go of ‘trying to be a good example’ for them because this is just a more subtle form of manipulation.  No, we should just practice Dharma, and if this inspires others to do the same, then great.  If it doesn’t, then that’s OK too.

Your turn:  Describe a situation in which you were unskillful in encouraging somebody to practice Dharma.  

In several of my previous articles, I have talked about using wisdom phrases again and again as a means of equipping our kids with the wisdom necessary to solve their daily problems.  What follows is a non-comprehensive list that we use with our kids.  Each entry below states the wisdom phrase, the corresponding Dharma concept, and when to use it:

Phrases associated with the Lamrim

1. You need to assume responsibility for your life, noone else can do it for you. Assuming responsibility.  When they pass responsibility onto others.
2. First change your mind. Inner peace, emptiness. When they are talking about how the external situation is the problem.
3. You are responsible for your own experience. Inner peace, karma. When they are blaming others or their external situation for how they feel.
4. Your life is what you make of it. inner peace, karma, precious human life. When they are bored or unhappy about their life.
5. I will only help you do things you can’t do yourself. How to rely. When they are asking you to do something that they themselves can do because they are being lazy or not believing in themselves.
6. We rely on others to learn how to do things ourselves. How to rely. When they are trying to get other people to do things for them, or when they are having a wrong attitude towards their teachers.
7. If you come to me with something, you will not get in trouble for it. Reliance. When you know they have done something wrong, and in general have this be an understood rule of the house.
8. In this family, we always…(some good thing, like always tell the truth, do the right thing). Reliance on sangha. Depends on circumstance.
9. If you won’t be proud of this on your deathbed, don’t do it now. Death awareness. When they are tempted to do something wrong.
10. What matters (in order) is good heart, hard working, then smart, then athletic. Death awareness, karma. When they are comparing themselves to others and feeling inadequate.
11. The only thing you take with you from place to place is your mind and the causes you create. Death awareness, karma. When their priorities are not correct.
12. Do what you need to do, then what you want to do. Precious human life. When they want to play before they have done their chores or homework.
13. Don’t waste a moment of your life. Precious human life. When a special opportunity arises, NOT when you think they are wasting time (which would be nagging them).
14. ABC creates the cause for XYZ. Kamra. All the time you want to help them understand cause and effect.
15. If you want something, create the causes for it. Karma, effort. When they want something
16. I cannot decide for you, it is your life, you need to decide for yourself. Karma, emptiness, superior intention, wisdom. When they are going to make a wrong choice that you disagree with.
17. Would you want others to do that to you? Karma, moral discipline. When they are doing something not nice to others.
18. We are all subject to the same rules. Karma, setting a good example, don’t be a hypocrite. When they try be the exception to something.  Also, you show that you live by the same rules you preach.
19. Be on good terms with everybody all of the time. Equanimity. When they are fighting with somebody.
20. Everybody is equally special, just in different ways. Equanimity. When they are comparing themselves to others and feeling inadequate.
21. It doesn’t matter if they are your friend, you be their friend. Equanimity. When somebody says they are not their friend anymore.
22. Everything is equally good, just in different ways. Equanimity, emptiness. When they are unhappy with what they have or will have
23. Always others first. Cherishing others. When they are putting themselves first.
24. Always treat others with respect. Cherishing others. When they are being disrespectful.
25. Put yourself in their shoes. Exchanging self with others. When they are talking about how unreasonable somebody else is.
26. The rule is everyone works until everything is done. Exchanging self with others, not passing your burdens onto others, living in community. When there are still chores left to do and they are playing.
27. X difficulty is an opportunity to train in Y quality. Transforming adverse conditions into the path. When they are upset about something adverse in their life.
28. Our job in life is to make ourselves useful to others. Bodhichitta. When the question comes up of what are they going to do in life, or why are they doing certain things (such as studying certain subjects).
29. Be the change you want to see in the world. Setting a good example, emptiness. When they are complaining that others are acting in particular ways.
30. Nothing is boring, it only becomes boring if you relate to it with a boring mind. Emptiness. When they say something is boring.
31. Nothing has the power to bother you, you let things bother you. Emptiness. When they are bothered by something or somebody.
32. There are no external enemies. Emptiness, equanimity. When they are talking about how somebody else is causing them problems.
33. The only thing you have control over is how you, yourself respond. Emptiness, karma. When they are anxious about things beyond their control.

Phrases associated with abandoning delusions

1. We only buy what we need, not what we want. Abandon attachment. When they are asking you to get them something they do not need.
2. If you can’t afford it, you don’t need it. Abandon attachment.  When they want to borrow money to buy something now
3. It doesn’t matter what other people think, form your own opinion. Abandon attachment to what other people think, develop your own wisdom. When they are bothered by what other people think, or when they are following other people’s wrong views.
4. Never sacrifice your self-respect. Sense of shame. When they are doing something stupid to fit in with others.
5. You are not your anger (or other delusion). Not identifying with your delusions. When they are identifying with their delusions and are down on themselves.
6. How are you any different? Don’t look for faults in others, change yourself. When they are finding faults in others.
7. Don’t blame others for your troubles. Assuming responsibility, blaming only delusions. When they blame others.
8. Don’t expect anything from anybody, ever.  Nobody owes you anything. Abandon anger from false expectations. When they are upset because somebody hasn’t lived up to their expectations.
9. Be happy with what you’ve got, not unhappy about what you don’t have. Contentment. When they wish they had something else, newer, better.
10. There are no bad people, only bad minds. Separate the person from the delusion, blaming delusions. When they are saying somebody else is bad.
11. That person is not mean, they are just confused. Separating the person from their delusions. When they are saying somebody else is bad.
12. Don’t make excuses, just get it done. Abandon laziness. When they are complaining about obstacles or how hard things are.

Phrases associated with the six perfections

1. Giving is the cause of receiving. Giving. When they want something.
2. Never say anything bad about anyone, ever. Abandon divisive, hurtful speech. When they say something bad or hurtful about somebody else.
3. If you wouldn’t say it to their face, don’t say it behind their back. Abandon divisive, hurtful speech. When they say something behind somebody’s back.
4. Never compromise with the truth. Abandon lying. When they are fudging the truth about something.
5. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Abandon negative speech. When they say something not nice.
6. Always do the right thing. Moral discipline. When they don’t know what to do, or are about to do something wrong.
7. I will give you as much freedom as you prove you can use responsibly. Moral discipline is the cause of freedom. When they are asking for more freedom to do something.
8. The price of freedom is responsibility. Moral discipline is the cause of freedom. When they are asking for more freedom to do something.
9. In your heart, you know what the right thing to do is. Moral discipline, follow your wisdom. When they are unsure about what to do, and are tempted to do the wrong thing.
10. Treat others as you would want them to treat you. moral discipline, karma. When they are treating others badly.
11. Patience! Patience. When they are being impatient.
12. Patience is the cause of beauty. Patience. When they are being impatient or when they are concerned about their looks.
13. You have to accept… Patience. When something happens beyond their control.
14. Life is hard, get used to it! Renunciation, patient accepance. When they are whining about things, and need to toughen up.
15. A job worth doing is a job worth doing right. Effort. When they do something half-heartedly.
16. You can do anything if you practice it enough (or …if you put your mind to it). Effort. When they are feeling discouraged.
17. It is better to be hard working than it is smart. Effort. When they are feeling discouraged.
18. If at first you don’t succeed, try try again. Effort. When they are feeling discouraged.
19. Full effort is full victory. Effort. When they are being lazy, or doing things half-heartedly.
20. First plan, then hustle. Things start in the mind, effort. When they have a big project, when they start acting before having developed a plan.
21. Focus! Concentration. When they are becoming distracted, especially during homework.
22. Only do one thing at a time. Concentration. When they do more than one thing at a time, such as their homework while listening to music.
23. It is a bad habit to do two things at once. Concentration. When they do more than one thing at a time, such as when they are entertaining themselves.
24. We only buy something if we decided to buy it before we entered the store. Follow your wisdom, not your delusions. When they ask to buy something while you are in the store.
25. In this family, reason governs. Follow your wisdom, not your delusions. When they ask to do something, make them justify why with reasons.  When you want them to do something, justify with reasons – don’t use your power.
26. Think before you act. Follow your wisdom, not your delusions. When they act impulsively without thinking.
27. All of your actions should be deliberate. Follow your wisdom, not your delusions. When they act impulsively without thinking.

Your turn:  What wisdom phrases do you have to share that you have picked up in your life?

To become a Buddha, we must engage in the practice of the six perfections of giving, moral discipline, patience, effort, concentration and wisdom.  What makes these practices a ‘perfection’ of giving, etc., is we engage in them with a motivation of becoming a Buddha for the sake of all beings.  While we can certainly practice all six of the perfections in the context of family life (subjects of future articles…), probably the one we practice the most is giving.  Virtually everything we do as a parent is giving in one form or another.  This is actually very fortunate, because whatever we give we create the cause to receive in the future.  So if we give abundantly and wisely, we will have ample resources in the future with which we can help others and also continue on with our spiritual trainings.

In general, we say there are four different types of giving:  giving material things, giving protection, giving love and giving Dharma (or wisdom).  I will discuss each in turn.

Giving material things.  When you think about it, we give our family everything.  We provide them with a home, food, clothing, toys, computers, phones, TVs, vacations, etc.  Most of the time, we ‘provide’ these things without even the slightest thought of ‘giving them.’  We just do them, but we don’t use the opportunity of providing these things to train ourselves in the ‘mind of giving.’  This is a waste.  It is very difficult to engage in spiritual practices if our basic needs are not met.  Why are our basic needs currently met?  Because in the past, we ‘gave’ to others what they needed to survive and thrive.  We should not just live in our home, we should mentally ‘give’ our home to our family.  We should think, “I am giving my family a home so that I will always have a home in which I can continue with my bodhisattva training.”  We can think the same with food, clothing, etc.  It is very important that we never impute ‘mine’ on any of these things.  When we think “my home” for example, the mental thought of possession functions to burn up the merit of having a home.  If instead we think, “I am giving this home to my family”, then instead of burning up our merit, we are accumulating new merit, or virtuous karma.  One way or the other, we will still live in the same home, but the karmic consequences of the two different mental attitudes is enormous.

Giving protection.  Especially when our kids are little, we are constantly protecting them from all sorts of dangers.  Each one of my five kids would probably be dead several times over if as parents we hadn’t intervened to save them.  One of our main responsibilities as parents is to provide our children with a safe environment in which they can explore and grow.  If a child does not feel safe, they do not grow.  We protect them physically and emotionally all the time.  We can think, “I am protecting my kids now so that in the future I will always be protected when I engage in my bodhisattva path.”  We need this.  If in the future we are not protected, we will not be able to continue with our spiritual training.  There is a difference, however, between “giving protection” and “being protective.”  It all comes down to their capacity.  If they are incapable of dealing with something in life, then of course we should protect them from it.  But if they are capable of dealing with it, then we are doing them a disservice by “being protective.”  Our job is to equip and train our children to be able to deal with any challenge in life.  If we are “being protective” we rob them of their opportunity to grow in capacity, and thus leave them ill prepared when they are forced to confront reality on their own.

Giving love.  Some parents make the mistake of thinking it is enough to give material things to their kids.  While welcome, material things alone have little meaning to our kids.  What they really want is our love.  They want to feel loved, feel supported, feel appreciated, feel like we are there for them when they need us, feel like we are a confident hand that will help them grow, and they want to feel we enjoy being with them.  Few parents take the time to really be with their kids, and even when they do, their heart usually isn’t really in it, so the so-called ‘quality time’ isn’t that quality of time at all.  If we are a grump or we project that we would rather be doing something else or that we are too busy for our children, then even if we are with them, they will not feel our love.  Giving a dead leaf with genuine love and excitement can bring far more joy than just trying to buy them off with even the most expensive toys.  There are three types of love we can give our children.  Affectionate love is feeling genuinely delighted to see or think of our kids.  Cherishing love is when we really consider them and their happiness to be important, a real priority in our lives.  And wishing love is actively working to help them find their own true happiness (from within).  Even if we have nothing material we can give our children, we can always give these three types of love. It’s free!  Their childhood does not last long and we only get one shot at this, so we must try make every moment with them count.

Giving wisdom.  This is without a doubt the most important thing we can give our children, because with wisdom they will be able to find their own happiness.  Wisdom is a special type of intelligence that always knows to do the right things.  Our children can carry the wisdom we transmit to them throughout their whole life, and in all situations.  It sets up habits of behavior and view that will carry with them throughout their life and indeed into their future lives.  There is no greater gift we can give than wisdom.  There are really two ways we can give our children wisdom:  directly through our words and indirectly through our family culture.  The former is effective, the latter is golden!  For giving wisdom directly with our words, the secret is to have a handy toolkit of key wisdom phrases that we give again and again in a variety of different contexts as the way to solve their daily problems.  Simple examples include, “a job worth doing is a job worth doing well,” or “you can do anything with enough practice” or “doing such and such creates the cause for XYZ.”  I will do a future article on the key phrases we use with our kids.  Frequent repetition of the same phrases but directly applied as the solution to their daily problems is what enables the wisdom to stick with them in the future.  My Grandma was the queen of this, and she passed several key wisdom phrases on to my father, who then repeated them to me, and now I find myself repeating them to my children.  Such is the power of wisdom.  But it is really through the osmosis of our family culture that we can transmit the most wisdom to our children.  Culture, in this context, means “how things are done or thought about” in a given grouping of people.  Culture operates in the background without people really being aware of it.  It is simply part of the fabric of their lives, and they assimilate it without even being aware of it.  If our family simply operates on the basis of wisdom, our kids will acquire that wisdom deeply within their own minds.  For example, if we never lie, if we always take bugs out instead of swat them, if we talk to each other with respect, if we assume our responsibilities, if we do what we need to do before what we want to do, etc.  All of these things are part of our family culture.  Some families have destructive cultures, such as always considering oneself the victim of the world, without choice in how to respond, or one that always blames others, or puts onself first over everyone else, or one that resolves disputes with violence, fear and intimidation.  All of these are part of one’s family culture.  We should really take the time to identify the culture of our own family and make sure that we make modifications if necessary.  It will be these family cultural norms and values that will be the real legacy we leave within our kids that will shape their whole lives.

In addition to giving these four things, we also need to work on improving the scope of the motivation with which we give.  When we start, in order to establish the mental habit of “giving”, it is OK to think, “everything I give I create the cause to receive in the future.  Since I want these things, I better give them now.”  As our scope improves, we can start to think, “giving is one of the main causes of obtaining a precious human life in the future, so I better give now while I can.”  Further, when we give we create the cause to “lack nothing.”  Lacking nothing is not a physical thing, but a state of mind, whose nature is that of contentment.  Paradoxically, when we attain liberation (which we do by letting go of everything) our experience becomes one of simultaneously having everything and lacking nothing.  As bodhisattvas, we think I need to give so that I can receive in the future.  Why do I want to have abundance in the future?  So that I can give even more!  A Buddha, finally, is able to give everything to all living beings all of the time.  They expereince the entire universe as emanated by them as their gift to all beings.  They are able to emanate countless emanations in infinite forms, each performing the function of leading all beings to enlightenment.  Other might not experience the objects of their life in this way, but that is only because we haven’t given them enough wisdom yet!

Your turn:  Describe the different types of giving you practice in the context of your family life.

The reality is this:  until all living beings have fully realized the ultimate nature of reality, and thereby abandoned any sense of independent self, conflict within families is inevitable.  Even if we have attained full enlightenment, others who still have these delusions will enter into conflict with us (though, at that stage, it certainly won’t be a problem for us!).  So the question is how do we respond to this conflict in a wise and constructive way?

Generally, in dealing with family conflict, people fall into one of two extremes:  “repressing” or “crusading”.  Repressing works as follows:  somebody in the family does something we do not like, such as harming us in some way, taking advantage of us in some way, etc., and because we do not want to “make waves” we just swallow it and pretend that everything is OK.  Essentially we sacrifice inner peace on the alter of outer peace.  The other person is completetly oblivious to the fact that we have a problem with them, which internally just infuriates us more.  They continue with the behavior we do not like, we continue to repress, until eventually we can’t take it anymore.  We then lash out against them in some typically dramatic fashion.  The other person thinks we have gone insane and cannot understand why we are making such a big deal out of such a small thing (they only see the most immediate event, not the pattern over time).  They then get very defensive, harsh words are said to each other.  Then, because neither side knows how to deal with conflict, each side just stops talking to the other for a sufficiently long time that all of this recedes into the past.  Time, however, never completely heals the wound, it just helps us forget about it and see it in a different perspective.  We never really forgive the other person, so when we do start going back with the other person, the seeds are still there for future conflict.

“Crusading” works as follows:  again, somebody does something we do not like and we know the faults of repression.  But so convinced are we of our self-righteousness and so determined to right every wrong that we are constantly on the attack against everyone for every error.  So we charge in, force people to confront their errors, and we do not stop until everyone is in agreement that we are (and have always been) “right”.  We feel completely self-justified in our crusade because we ‘know’ we are right, they are wrong, and the injustice cannot stand.  In the end, we tell ourselves it is for the benefit of the other person that we battle with them because once they see how we are right, they will be brought to the “higher level of understanding” that we occupy.  We may even convince ourselves that our constant battling with those around us is part of our bodhisattva path to lead all beings to enlightenment – they just don’t understand that yet, but in the end, when they see the light, they will thank us.  Obviously, I have explained each of these extremes in their extreme form, and normally we fall into a more subtle version of one of these two extremes.

So what is the middle way?  It is “re-solving”.  Both parts of this word have meaning.  The “re” reminds us that there was a time where we genuinely got along with this other family member, loved them, appreciated their good qualities, and were not in conflict with them.  The goal is to get back to that state where our relationship is one of love, appreciation and respect.  “Solving” means we fully acknowledge there is a problem (not pretend there isn’t one like with repression), and we actually solve that problem so that it is no more.  Together they mean we are not trying to get back to some nostalgic state of how things were, rather we are trying to once again get back to the point where our mind is free from all delusion towards the other person (and hopefully vice versa) having worked through whatever difficulty there was.  In other words, we try use the conflict as a means of deepening and improving our love and relationship with the other person.

We will now explore the three stages of resolving our family conflict, which are:

1. Correctly diagnosing what the “problem” is, namely delusions.
2. Abandoning the “need” for the other person to change.
3. If necessary, skillfully approaching the other person with the intent of making the relationship better.

No doctor can heal any patient if they have misdiagnosed what the problem is.  From a Dharma perspective, the cause of all problem is our delusions, such as anger, attachment, jealousy, selfishness and ignorance.  Normally, we blame external circumstances or other people, but if we check deeply none of these things have any power to harm us.  It is our own deluded mental reaction to these things that harms us.  If we responded to these same things with wisdom we could learn to grow from them, so far from harming us, they would be helping us.  As explained in Transform your Life and many other books, if our minds are peaceful, we are happy regardless of how difficult our external circumstance is; and if our minds are unpeaceful, we will be unhappy regardless of how perfect our external circumstance is.  So in the end, our happiness depends entirely upon our ability to keep our mind peaceful and positive in all circumstances.  Delusions are, by definition, those minds which disturb our inner peace.

One mistake we commonly make is we say, “yes, delusions are the cause of all problems.  His or Her delusions are the cause of all the problems.”  No, it doesn’t work that way.  Your delusions are the cause of all of your problems, and his or her delusions are the cause of all of his or her problems.  Nobody can cause you problems, rather your delusions create all of your own problems.  There is no solution to your own problems other than resolving your own delusions within your own mind.  So the first step in dealing with conflict with family memebers is to take the time to honestly identify what are the delusions functioning in your own mind and to apply effort to reduce and finally eliminate them.  For a complete explanation for how to identify and abandon your delusions, see Eight Steps to Happiness, Joyful Path of Good Fortune, and Understanding the Mind.

The second stage is to abandon any need for the other person to change.  This is crucial for any conflict resolution.  As long as you are convinced that your happiness depends on the other person changing, any effort you make at conflict resolution will correctly be interpreted by the other person as manipulation and they will resist you and conflict will ensue.  If, however, you have no need whatsoever for the other person to change, then they will not feel like they are being manipulated or controlled, and their minds will open to resolving the conflict.

So how do you abandon any need for the other person to change?  You realize that their faults are exactly what you need for progressing along the spiritual path.  It really comes down to one thing:  what do you want.  If what you want is a life of ease free from difficulty and problems, then changing all those difficult people in our life will always be a priority for us and we will always be in conflict with them.  If, however, what you want is to make progress along the spiritual path, then difficult people will no longer be a problem for you, they will be a blessing – an indispensible asset in your spiritual training.  Each difficult person, each difficult situation gives you an opportunity to further train your mind to abandon your own delusions at deeper and deeper levels, whether it be your miserliness, your anger, your jealousy, your selfishness or your lack of skilfull means.  Each difficult person in your life is like a magical mirror that reveals to you a different fault you have in your own mind, and your relationship with them is a spiritual training regimen for overcoming that fault.  When you have such an attitude, you no longer need other people to change – their faults and difficult behavior are experienced and welcomed by you as exactly what you need.

One very powerful way of developing this constructive attitude is to rely wholeheartedly on the Dharma Protector.  The Dharma Protector is like our personal spiritual trainer.  His job is to eliminate any obstacles to our practice and to arrange for us the outer and inner conditions which are perfect for our swiftest possible enlightenment.  So if we are confronted with a difficult family member or circumstance, we can make the request to the Dharma protector, “Please arrange whatever is best with respect to this other person’s behavior:  if it is an obstacle to my spiritual training, may it stop; if it is best for my spiritual training, may it increase!”  Then, whatever happens after you make this request, you accept that this is exactly what your personal spiritual trainer has organized for you, and you get to work on transforming your own mind.  For more on how to rely upon a Dharma Protector, see Heart Jewel.

The third and final stage is to skillfully approach the other person with the intent of making the relationship better.  Again, before doing this, you must first abandon any need for the other person to change otherwise your efforts at approaching the other person will backfire.  The doubt may arise, “if I don’t need the other person to change, what is the point of me even approaching them at all?”  There are two answers to this question:  first, you are asking for their patience while you work through your own delusions; and second, you are giving them a chance to change themselves if they so choose.

When you approach the other person, your (sincere) attitude should be “I really love you and I want this relationship to work, and it is because I want things to be harmonious between the two of us that I thought I needed to come to you about some of the things I am working on.  When you do X, it triggers Y deluded reaction in me.  I know my attitude is wrong, and I am working on it by trying to be more Z-like in my attitude, but I just throught I would let you know.  So if I act strange or I sometimes lash out at you in W way, I just wanted you to understand where I was coming from and why it was happening.  I am telling you this because I very much value our relationship and I want to make things better between us.  Out of respect for you, and a trust that you too want our relationship to improve, I thought it was better to come to you than to just let this linger under the surface.”  Most people will respond to this as, “gee, I had no idea my behavior could be perceived that way.  Thank you for letting me know.  I will try be more careful in the future.”  It is also possible that the other person will tell you, “well the reason I am like that is because you do Q which really bothers me.”  If they respond in this way, it is important to not get defensive.  You need to understand that they too have likely repressed a good deal of delusions towards you and will want to express themselves.  So your response to this should be, “gee, I had no idea my behavior could be perceived that way.  Thank you for letting me know.  I will try be more careful in the future.”  As the old adage goes, be the change you want to see in the world!

There may be times when the other person is either unwilling or incapable of maintaining a harmonious relationship with you, but in such circumstances you should always leave the door open to them changing their mind in the future by saying, “Look, I love you and I want this to work.  If ever you change your mind and want to try work things out, then my door is always open.”  This stance by you will place a marker in their mind where in the future everytime they think about you they know what needs to happen, and in their heart of hearts, they know you are being eminently reasonable.  They might never see this and might never come around, but at least from your side you are doing the right thing and giving them a chance to do so.

The point is this:  until we attain enlightenment, conflict is inevitable.  Either we allow this conflict to destroy our relationships or we use it to make our relationships even stronger by working through our differences.  Marriages that last 50 years do not do so because there is never any conflict, but rather because the two people in the marriage know how to use conflict to deepen and strengthen their relationship.  The same is true with any relationship with any family member, and even any relationship between any two people (or countries).

Your turn:  Describe some family conflict you have had and how you used the Dharma to resolve it.