For the longest time, I have equated “needs” with “attachments,” and rejected entirely the notion of needs. I thought one of the goals of Dharma practice was to get to the point where we have no needs. I now think this is a big mistake.

The mind of attachment thinks, “I need X external thing to be happy,” and “without X I can’t be happy.” Such thninking is obviously wrong and clearly the mind of attachment. Thinking this towards any external object just sets us up for misery as we chase after X and fall into despair without it. In truth, we don’t actually need these things, therefore it is wrong to even call them needs. Only our ignorance does so.

But this does not mean we don’t have needs. We need Lamrim realizations, for example. It is clear all the stages of the path of Sutra and Tantra are our inner needs, and there is nothing wrong with striving to attain them and thinking we can’t be happy without them. We must rely upon a happy mind alone. This is also fairly clear.

What has been a gray area for me is those external things which are conducive to my inner needs. This is where it gets a bit tricky. Obviously things like adequate food, shelter, and a healthy body are all examples of things we need. But what abour our emotional needs? For example, getting a proper night’s sleep makes a big difference for my mental well-being. Being over-extended or over-committed for long periods of time makes me cranky. Not feeling loved has been a recurring theme in my life, hardening my heart as a defense mechanism. Being appreciated has provided me with great encouragement to continue. Having a happy, functional, healthy family is conducive to the members of it having a happy, functional, and healthy mind. Atisha said avoid places that disturb your mind. The corrolary is seek out conditions that are conductive to inner peace.

The mistake I have made is basically over-applying the definition of attachment to tell myself I don’t “need” any of these things, and when my karma doesn’t provide me with these things, my response has been to harden my heart and say to myself, “this is just attachment, you need to get to the point where you need nothing.”

This is clearly an unhealthy extreme which quickly leads to burnout as we over-extend ourselves or fail to get adequate rest, or it leads to a detached Vulcan-like understanding of the Dharma that it is all about eliminating our emotions, or it leads to thinking we have to go at it alone without friends or support. If I’m honest, these are all extremes I have fallen into, and I don’t think I am alone.

I think the key distinction here is we have to accept where we are at in our heart, not where our intellectual understanding is. Sure, a Buddha might not need these things, but I am not a Buddha yet. So having adequate rest, not over-extending myself, feeling loved by those around me, feeling appreciated for my virtues as encouragement, etc., are all legitimate needs. I don’t need to say I don’t have needs, nor should my goal be to get to the point where I have no needs. I can have legitimate external needs without it being the mind of attachment. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging our genuine needs, knowing them, stating them, and even working towards fulfilling them.

Now, just because we have legitimate needs does not mean we can’t be happy if they go unmet. There will be times when we don’t get adequate rest, when we are shunned by all those around us, when nobody appreciates our efforts, etc., etc., etc. Just because we have legitimate needs does not mean they will always be met. Indeed, they will often not be met. But this does not mean we should deny we have such needs, it means we need to patiently accept our karma when they go unmet.

Thinking about this reminds me of the story of Buddha Shakyamuni in his time with the aesthetics. He tried that path and realized he was just destroying himself in the process and he needed certain things to optimize his ability to practice. We clearly don’t need to be physical aesthetics, but we also don’t need to be emotional aesthetics either. We can have emotional needs and we can pursue their fulfillment, while practicing patient acceptance when these needs go unmet. But we don’t need to deny we have those needs. It is simply where we are at.

If we look at the history of our tradition, it seems there are ample examples of where our failure to understand this has led to burnouts (too many to count!), pre-mature ordinations, repression until disrobings, misplaced self-hatred and guilt, Vulcan interpretations of Dharma, callousness instead of empathy when people are struggling, and moralistic judgments and condemnation of those who are still deluded (which, um, is all of us…).

At a personal level, it also leads to an extreme form of practice which presents a terrible example for others. Our inner understandings of Dharma become distorted, meaning they are not bringing us the inner peace we seek, causing us to eventually reject the Dharma when in truth our problem is our misunderstanding of it. It also leads to us pursuing a self-sacrificing model of Dharma and cherishing others and causes to us enable others to abuse us or others. We give terrible advice to others based upon our own misunderstandings, causing others to become miserable as well and eventually abandon the Dharma altogether. People look at all this and think, “if that’s what it means to practice Dharma, I don’t want that.” This helps nobody.

In short, perhaps, quite simply, we can say the needs of our self that we normally see are attachments, but the needs of our Buddha nature are our legitimate needs. We don’t need to abandon all needs thinking they are objects of abandonment. We can become atuned to what our legitimate needs are moment by moment and pursue them with confidence, all while practicing patient acceptance if those needs are going unmet. This seems a much more healthy way to approach our Dharma practice, more humble, more acceptable to modern society, and frankly more in line with Buddha Shakyamuni’s example.

My mom committed suicide the day before my wedding when we were in the middle of the biggest fight of our lives. She had lost both her parents, one right after the other. Prior to her losing them, she had already purchased tickets to come visit us in France for Christmas. She debated coming, but finally decided to come hoping it might help her feel better.

But on Christmas Eve, she became upset about not sight-seeing enough, which of course wasn’t the real issue, and then she drank a whole bottle of wine and insisted on leaving. We said no, she said yes, we said no, she said yes; finally, we said “fine.” We took her to the airport and the security guard said, “go home people, don’t do this,” but my mom insisted. By the time she sobered up, she was on a plane and convinced herself that we kicked her out on Christmas Eve. Interestingly, I discovered Venerable Geshe-la a few days later when I ran into Meaningful to Behold in the bookstore. This is my origin story for finding the Dharma.

I spent the next three, four years trying to contact her and re-establish relations with her, but was met with total silence. I’m not even sure if she ever opened my letters (this was pre-internet). I then got engaged and my mother found out through the grapevine. About a month before our wedding, she contacted me wanting to come. My parents absolutely hated each other and my mother ruined my brother’s wedding because she couldn’t hold it together with my father there. I didn’t think it was a good idea for the first time I see my mother to be at my wedding when my father was going to be there, so I said no she couldn’t come. I said I would come after the honeymoon and we would work everything out. She then killed herself the day before my wedding, which was also the anniversary of her own parents’ marriage.

If I look within my mind, I don’t really have much guilt about her having committed suicide. That is not on me. But what I didn’t see until now (thanks to a dear Sangha friend helping me see it) was how this created in me an absolute hyper-aversion to my relations being bad with anybody, especially prior to any extended separations, such as when my kids head off for college or I get posted to an assignment for my work where the family can’t join me.

In practice, this takes three forms. First, when for whatever reason relations are bad with those I love, I can’t handle it. Everything must be OK and resolved now, now, now, or certainly before any big separation. So I push them to resolve their issues immediately, which is of course ridiculous and unfair. Second, I chase after people’s forgiveness. When they are mad at me, it really messes with my mind, and so I go through all sorts of contortions trying to get things back to OK, but in effect it enables abuse and dysfunction when I probably should have walked away long ago or just been OK with them being mad at or disapproving of me. Third, at a more subtle level, it helps explain in part why I have projected expectations on my family that they always think and act in enlightened ways because I see any delusions within their mind as precursors of things potentially going badly.

All three of these forms are completely counter-productive, creating the very problem I am trying to avoid – namely having bad relations with those I love, having them be mad at me, or things ending badly before a big separation. Sadly, it is this aversion to any relations being bad that has in fact made virtually all of my relations bad. I think this is the hidden echo of the impact of my mom’s suicide on my mind that I have not seen until now.

The solution here is I need to create the space in my mind for this discomfort of not having things resolved with those I love. I need to create the space in my mind to give others the time they need to process things in their own way, even if that means they need to separate themselves from me or be very angry with me. It’s not fair for me to push everyone around me to resolve everything immediately just because I can’t handle it, but that is exactly what I have been doing. Creating the space for others to process their own things in their own way in their own time, therefore, is part of my practice of compassion for them. And part of my practice of protecting my own mind from this crippling, yet stealthy aversion.

Indeed, I see now how it was unfair of me to expect my mom to not act like she did when she came to France. She just lost both of her parents and that’s hard, she needed her own time to process. Likewise, a mother being told she can’t come to her son’s wedding must be completely devastating for her, and it is unrealistic of me to expect her to have processed it all on my timeframe. Creating the space for others to process their hurt in their own time and thier own way is part of our practice of compassion, and to expect them to do so in a manner that suits us is completely misplaced.

This will probably take a long time for me to become OK with, and I will likely continue to make many mistakes on this front. But I see it now. Hopefully I will become increasingly aware of how I do this and I will gradually stop. This, paradoxically, will actually help me heal over time a lot of the current bad relations I have with those I love.

Delusions are just awful! This aversion has been functioning in hiding within my mind, undermining everything important to me. I share all of this in the hopes that others don’t make the same mistakes I have.

We all have observed how people often treat nice people the worst. There are many reasons for that. Typically life is hard and most people are jerks, but others can’t say anything to those people without them doubling down on their jerkiness – striking back and creating negative karma for themselves in the process. But we know nice people don’t retaliate, so people take out their frustrations on them. Usually the nice person becomes everyone’s favorite scapegoat, the person you can safely blame. They are the people that can be falsely accused of being the problem, even when in fact they are not.

Kadampas are particularly prone to falling into this role – or should I say trap. We know the teachings on karma, so when people falsely accuse us or blame us, we accept it as our karma to be falsely blamed, made the scapegoat, or be mistreated or disrespected. We know the teachings on emptiness, so we accept even ultimately we are responsible for everything that happens and appears to our mind. Because we know these teachings, when people falsely accuse us of things or make us the scapegoat for all the problems in our families or work environments, we sometimes go along with it – accepting it as purification, transforming the adversity into the path, taking it as a powerful teaching on emptiness, training in the patience of non-retaliation, etc. And for us, it is entirely possible that we are able to do so purely, and other’s disrespectful actions towards us do function as a wrathful empowerment. We may receive genuine benefit from being mistreated this way.

But sometimes, perhaps most of the time, we are not able to entirely transform things in this way and it can hurt us badly. Worse, sometimes we may even internalize other’s false narratives that we are the problem and start thinking we are such a terrible person, terrible bodhisattva, etc., thinking we are the one who needs to do all the changing and others are perfect. In essence, people gaslight us and we assent to that, thinking we really are so bad and that we are the source of the problems, etc.

Sure, if we are making mistakes, we should admit them and change. No doubt. But that doesn’t mean we need to accept everybody’s false accusation against us as true. Accepting defeat does not mean accepting false accusations as true. There is absolutely nothing wrong with our protecting ourselves and our own mind by rejecting their false accusations as true and refusing to play the role of the scapegoat.

But even if we are able to transform everything, it seems to me our compassion compels us to – even forcefully if necessary – also reject these false accusations and being made the scapegoat with others. It doesn’t help them to allow them to falsely accuse us and scapegoat us. Indeed, it gives them a pass on their own wrong behavior and enables them to evade their conventional responsibilities in the situation.

While it is our karma to be falsely accused and everything is just a karmic manifestation of our mind, conventionally speaking – according to normal worldly conventions – sometimes we AREN’T the problem, even if everybody in the situation sees us that way. We are being falsely accused. We are being unjustly scapegoated. Assenting to these things lends credence and credibility to what is in fact relationship dysfunction.

Overcoming ordinary conceptions means to stop assenting to ordinary appearance. Just because things may appear to exist in a certain way doesn’t mean they in fact exist in that way. In exactly the same way, assenting to false accusations or assuming the role of scapegoat in situations helps nobody. It is a form of voluntarily assenting to ordinary conceptions. It keeps the relationship dysfunction going.

Pushing back on these false accusations and refusing to continue to play the role of scapegoat will definitely create turbulance in our relationships. People are used to blaming us, it’s convenient for them to do so. But it certainly doesn’t help them because they never then assume responsibility for their own actions, their own lives, and their own experiences. It also enables them to create all sorts of negative karma for themselves. It makes them feel justified in their anger towards us.

It’s worth recalling the negative karmic consequences of being angry with a bodhisattva. While we may not be a bodhisattva yet in the sense of having generated spontaneous bodhichitta, we are a baby bodhisattva, a similitude of a bodhisattva, we are striving to become a Buddha for the benefit of all. Harming us, being angry at us, disrespecting us, falsely accusing us, scapegoating us, etc., creates terrible karma for them. Allowing them to do these things towards us allows them to create such karma for themselves. Where is the compassion in that? Who does that help?

So yes, while we accept false accusations and scapegoating as purification of our negative karma and yes we don’t retaliate, conventionally our wisdom and compassion compels us to push back against them and refuse to assent to them. We can admit our mistakes and change where their accusations are justified, but we are under no obligation to do so where they are not. There is nothing selfish about protecting ourselves from internalizing their false narratives. Indeed, it is an act of compassion to not. Our refusal to do so will create waves in the short-run, but it will create accountability and healthy relationships in the long-run. We always play the long-game.

It is possible that people will end their relationships with us if we no longer play the role of scapegoat. So be it. That relationship isn’t actually helping them anyways. It is “compassion” and “cherishing others” without any wisdom. And if we are not actually able to fully transform their narratives into the path, then we are also protecting ourselves from internalizing their false accusations and developing self-loathing and misplaced guilt. And who knows, perhaps our refusal to accept their false accusations or play the role of scapegoat will eventually help them wake up to what they are doing and they stop.

Abandoning Doormat Dharma is a vast and important practice. Rejecting false accusations (while accepting them as purification) is a critical part of Venerable Geshe-la’s example, one we need to fearlessly and confidently adopt.

We all know the saying “give someone a fish and you feed them for a day, teach them to fish and you feed them for life.” In popular culture, this is often frankly used as an excuse to NOT help people, and we almost never actually teach them to fish either! The retort of course is “do both.” Give them fish while you are teaching them how to do so. While in theory, this makes sense, practically many complications arise based upon how the other person responds to our approach.

People will often want us to solve their problems for them and then get mad at us if we don’t. How’s a bodhisattva to react? First, we need to check the capacity of the other person – are they capable of solving the problem on their own or do they need us to do some aspects for them. Second, we need to offer as much help as necessary to help explain to them HOW they can solve their problems on their own, but leave them to actually do the work. Third, we make ourselves available to answer specific questions that might arise as they go about solving their problems on their own, while preserving a clear boundary about what we will or will not do for them. Fourth, we need to accept that they often will get upset at us if we are not doing their work for them, especially if we have frequently done so in the past. We need to accept this upsetness as purification for our past mistakes and manipulative behavior of others in the past.

Fundamentally, a big part of this is loving the other person enough to believe in them that they can do it. Sometimes we wrongly don’t believe in them, especially when they don’t believe in themselves. When they do it on their own and succeed, their confidence and capacity will grow. If we do it for them, their confidence and capacity will diminish, and they will become either increasingly dependent upon others or never flourish in life always stuck in perpetual doubt. It is, in some cases, a profound act of love to say, “sorry, I can’t help you, you will have to do it yourself. I believe you can do it, and I’m here for you to provide support and guidance as you do so.”

In the long-run, they will likely come to realize our motivation is love wishing for them to become self-sufficient and to know how to solve their own problems on their own. They may resent us in the short-run, but perhaps thank us in the long-run. Even if they don’t and they hate us forever, it doesn’t mean we didn’t do the right thing by relating to them in this way. No, none of this is easy, especially with our kids.

All of this is equally true with being a good Sangha friend helping people along the path. We can’t do their work for them, but we can skillfully help support them as they do their own work.

The challenging case comes when the other person is not willing to do their own work. They wait until the last minute and come to you asking for you to do their work for them, and if you don’t step in, then they will fail and the consequences on their life could be extreme. This is a situation I often find myself in, actually. Sometimes, this situation creeps up gradually, with small instances in the beginning and eventually extreme issues as it becomes a habit. It’s best to arrest this process in the early stages because it becomes harder when we wait until the more extreme situations. When we say “no, we won’t do your work for you,” it will almost always create a negative reaction in the other person. This is normal, and something the other person is just going to have to get used to. They step up or they down, the choice is theirs. Sadly, their reaction is most often to go find somebody else to manipulate into doing their work for them.

But if the consequences of them not getting it done are low, saying no early to small things is often a good life lesson that avoids future more extreme situations. But sometimes the consequences are unacceptably severe for not stepping in and doing their work for them. At such times, you can say, “this is unfair of you to put me in this situation, but I understand the consequences of me not stepping in are too severe. Therefore, I’m telling you now, this is the last time I will do this. Next time, I will let you fail, regardless of the consequences. I don’t help you by doing your work for you, and since I’m only trying to help you, I have to say no. I’m telling you now so you can plan accordingly and not find yourself in a similar situation again in the future. If you fail becuase you didn’t do your work, it will be on you. I can help support you do your work, but I’m not doing your work for you.” They will usually agree to this at the time because what choice do they have – if they don’t get your help now, they’re screwed.

Once the task is done, again, tell them “never again.” Then, tell them again early on when they are given large assignments that you won’t be doing their work for them and they need to plan accordingly. If they then come to you with some urgent situation like before, you will need to hold the line and say no. They very well may fail and they very well may hate you for it for a long time, but you are looking at a larger picture. Our goal is to help everyone become not only self-sufficient individuals, but eventually sources of refuge for all living beings. They will only gain that capacity if they embrace the ethic of wanting to do their own work because they know that is how they grow.

To not do this is to either (1) not believe in them, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and (2) indulges them in not only their laziness but creating negative karma for themselves of manipulating others. At some point, life will require them to perform and they won’t be ready because you haven’t loved them enough to say no to helping them earlier.