My struggle is since I know delusions and negative karma lead to suffering, when I see my family or those I love going down those paths, I quickly develop attachment to them not doing so. This then causes me to try manipulate or change them to not act in these ways, which not only makes me miserable but invites resistance to my efforts and ultimately causes them to reject what could actually help them.

What has helped is realizing I am not responsible for their feelings, reactions, or experiences of life – they are. They are going to feel what they are going to feel, react how they are going to react, and experience what their karma leads to. I need to accept all of that. It doesn’t mean I don’t care or wash myself of any responsibility, it is just an acceptance of how things work. I can’t create karma for them, they have to.

It’s hard, though, since I so don’t want them to suffer. But just as I need to be at peace with my own unpleasant experiences and transform them into my path, I likewise need to be at peace with their unpleasant experiences and negative or deluded reactions and similarly transform the appearances of these things into my path.

It requires me accepting in the short-run, there is not a lot I can do. I can set a good example, I can offer advice when asked, but mostly I just need to accept and do my own inner work. But I need never feel discouraged because I know in the long-run, their suffering is pushing me towards attaining enlightenment for them. I often think of what Gen Tharchin said, namely for every step we take towards enlightenment we bring all beings with us in proportion to our karmic connection with them. He also said those beings who were the primary basis for our generating bodhichitta are among the very first that we will liberate when we become a Buddha.

By playing the long game, eventually I will be in a position to always be with them, for as many lifetimes as it takes, until they gradually do what it takes to free themselves from their misery. Just as my enlightenment is inevitable, theirs is too. We know how this story ends.

From a tantric perspective, we can bring this future result into the path and believe in our correct imagination that they are all actually emanations. This view helps ripen them by bestowing blessings and drawing out their good qualities through our appropriate attention. Ultimately, my suffering family that I normally see does not exist at all. They are just karmic hallucinations of my delusions. I will see the end of their suffering when I attain enlightenment. From the perspective of a tantric practitioner, all beings attain enlightenment with us – even if they don’t see it for themselves.

But in the meantime, a huge part of generating qualified bodhichitta is learning how to both find other’s suffering completely unbearable yet still maintain a happy mind. This is my struggle, but I’m working on it.