Author: Kadampa Ryan

To cherish others we need to understand their perspective

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life, Cultivating healthy relationships with others

Most human conflict comes from a failure to understand the perspective of the people we are interacting with.  We interpret their actions through the lens of our own perspective, not theirs.  As a result, we misunderstand their intentions, conclude they are being unreasonable and enter into conflict with them.  The internet society, in which everyone cocoons themselves in a virtual world of people who share exactly their own perspective then reinforces this polorization of perspectives and amplifies the conflict.  The solution to this sort of conflict is to first take the time to understand the other person’s perspective and then to consider important for ourselves whatever is important to them.

How do we understand the other person’s perspective?  The starting point is to assume they are acting in good faith.  Most inter-perspective misunderstandings come from assuming that people are not acting in good faith, and as a result they misunderstand everything the other person is saying.  They then accuse the other person of not acting in good faith, the other person then goes on the defensive or starts to counter-attack saying the same thing.  Then the discussion becomes about each side defending against false accusations instead of real problem solving.  This dynamic is true between rich and poor, majority and minority, black and white, between any two countries and also between those who have a unicultural perspective and those who have an inter-cultural perspective.  This last one is playing itself out in virtually every country between those who are uniculturally whatever country or region they are coming from and those who are participating in the project of globalization.  At an interpersonal level, once again, most conflicts come from this same problem and pattern of misunderstanding.  So first, unless you have compelling proof otherwise, always assume the other person is acting in good faith, just with a different set of priorities, values and understandings of how things work.

The second thing we need to do is to learn to cherish what the other person considers to be important.  We talk all the time in the Dharma about cherishing others.  But practically speaking, how do we do this?  We primarily do this by taking the time to understand what is important to the other person and then to likewise take the time to realize how what they consider to be important has real value – in other words we need to learn how to realize the importance of what they consider to be important.  To cherish something means to consider it to be important.  We find out what is important to others and then we learn to appreciate the importance of that.  Of course, if what the other person considers to be important is wrong or harmful, we can reject that, but most of the time people just value different things.

The irony is this:  when we demonstrate that we understand the other person’s perspective and we also consider to be important what they consider to be important then they come to trust us and believe us when we speak.  Then they will be open to listening to what we have to say, and real communication can take place.  They can then also come to understand and appreciate our perspective and there is a real chance the differences can be worked out.

Your turn:  View yourself through the perspective of the person with whom you have the most problems.  What does this teach you?

Helping people make their own decisions

Kadampa Ryan Cultivating healthy relationships with others

When people come to me for advice, I have a terrible tendency to tell them what to do instead of help them come to their own decision.  Our job as bodhisattvas is to help people cultivate within themselves the wisdom to make their own sound decisions.  If we always tell people what they should do, then it may help them in their current situation, but it doesn’t help them learn to be able to make their own decisions in future situations.  As banal as it may seem, it is the whole “teach a man to fish” logic.  Likewise, when somebody makes their own decision, they “own it” and therefore it has much more power within their mind.

When we give people the answers, we also sometimes risk them rejecting our advice because they may feel like we are imposing something on them or somehow depriving them of their freedom to make their own choices.  Alternatively, if we give people the answers, we can sometimes create a spiritual laziness in the other person where they just let us tell them what to do without them doing the internal work of figuring out for themselves what they should do (and thereby improve their spiritual decision making).  In such a situation, it may seem like they have faith, but we are actually depriving them of developing their own wisdom.

Does this mean we should never give people advice of what to do?  Of course not.  But there are conditions for when we should do so.  First, we should make sure that they are actually asking for our advice.  If they are not, we should definitely not give them any (except under very extreme circumstances).  Second, we should make it absolutely clear that the other person is completely free to ignore our advice without there being any emotional or relational penalty.  Third, we should do so more in general principles of how to approach the problem, not the specifics of what they should exactly do (so you give them a direction, but leave them to figure out how the general principle specifically applies to their situation).  Fourth, and most importantly, we should always make sure the other person understands the “why” behind our advice, not just the “what” they should do.

When you do offer advice, do so in the verbal context of telling an illustrative story about something that happened to you once or about somebody else you know without directly applying the story to their situation (let them make that connection).  Or at the limit, say something like “if it was me, I would do …”

As a general rule, when we offer advice to others, we should do so as part of a general program of gradually weaning them off of us telling them what to do.  In the beginning, people will want us to tell them specifically what they should do.  This is not necessarily a bad thing because if they do so for enough time they will learn and gain some experience with spiritual decision making and understand the “why” they are doing things in that way.  Over time, they start to become familiar with these “whys” and see that the correct spiritual choice works, so they are then able to better make good decisions in the future on their own.  Then we gradually wean them off of us telling them what they should do by asking them more questions which then leads them to their own answers.  Eventually, they won’t need to come to us as much because they have become sufficiently familiar with the key principles of their spiritual decision making that they no longer need to come to us.

So as hard as it is for me, I have recently been putting a great deal of emphasis on holding back from telling people what to do and instead just talking generally or asking more questions.

(Ha ha!  I just re-read this post, and the whole thing is written in the language of me telling you, the reader, what you should do!  How ironic!  I was going to go back and change it to “I am trying to do …”, but I find it so funny the way it is that I decided to just leave it.  Have a good laugh!  I clearly have a long way to go!)

Your turn:  What skillful advice do you have about how to help people make good decisions on their own?

Having the Buddhas raise your children through you

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life, Cultivating healthy relationships with others

There is no doubt that being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  School, work, friends, no problem.  Being a parent, HELP!  It is non-stop, we never know what the right thing to do is, everything we do seems to backfire, there is nothing rational about it, and everybody is expected to somehow already know how to do it.  And the stakes are high, if you make a mess of things, you literally can ruin your kid’s entire life.  We are loathe to ask our own parents to help out, either because we are too proud or they are too busy, too old or just simply too obnoxious to have around!  We can’t afford to hire an experienced nanny to help out.  So what to do?  We need to accept that we don’t know what we are doing, and instead call in for enlightened help!

A wise person once told me, “it is only when you have tried everything else and realized that you can’t do it on your own that you are ready to go for refuge.”  Our ability to have the Buddhas raise our children through us depends first and foremost on our have humbly accepted that they would do a far better job than we can.

Wouldn’t it be great to have fully enlightened beings raise our children?  They would certainly know how to respond in every situation.  They never tire.  They have the power to be with our children 24/7, even when we are not around.  Most importantly, they have the power to bless their minds.  A blessing functions to turn the mind away from wrong paths and towards correct paths.  It comes from the inside, where the individual knows from within what the right thing to do is, not the outside like some external control.  This is exactly what our kids need!  Buddha’s know the past, present and future directly and simultaneously, so they see the big picture and how to prepare our children for the challenges that lie ahead.  They have perfect wisdom that knows how to transform any situation into the path.  Certain Buddhas have the power to prevent obstacles from arising and to arrange all of the perfect outer and inner conditions so that everything that happens to us becomes a cause of our enlightenment.  They are completely selfless and completely reliable.  How much better would they be at raising our kids than we are!

So assuming we want them to raise our kids for us, how practically can we bring that about.  There are several things we can do:

  1. When you go to spiritual teachings or study and practice the Dharma, do so with the intention of gaining the realizations necessary to be an enlightened parent for your children.  The motivation with which we practice determines the nature of the fruit of our practice.  If this is our intention, then as we receive teachings our mind will be blessed in a special way where we understand how to apply what we are learning to becoming a better parent.  But we should be careful to not fall into the mistake of listening to the instructions by thinking, “this is what my kid needs to hear and understand.”  No, we should listen to the instructions as personal advice for what we need to hear so that we can become a better parent for them.
  2. Always keep your spiritual guide at your heart.  One of the unique qualities of a Buddha is wherever you imagine them, they instantaneously go.  And wherever a Buddha goes, they accomplish their function, which is to bestow blessings.  In particular, it is taught that the Spiritual Guide is a gateway through which we gain access to ALL of the Buddhas.  So by imagining our Spiritual Guide at our heart, we in effect bring all of the Buddhas into our heart.  We need to come to view our ordinary body and mind as a vehicle or as tools.  They are not us.  We mentally hand over our body and mind to the Buddhas, requesting them to work through us to raise our children for us.  We might object to having somebody else take over control of our body and mind, but the profound truth is who we think we are does not exist at all, and who we really are is in fact one with all of the Buddhas.  They are our true selves, and it is only our ignorance which prevents us from realizing this.  So we are not really handing our body and mind over to somebody else, but rather allowing them to come under the control of our true selves.
  3. Whenever you don’t know what to do, request guidance for what to do.  Venerable Geshe-la explained a special method for doing this.  We first imagine that all of the Buddhas are at our heart, and we generate strong faith that they are indeed there and have united inseparably with our own root mind.  We then generate a very pure compassionate and loving motivation, free from any attachment, that our children be free from all suffering and come to enjoy perfect happiness.  In particular, we generate a pure motivation that we be blessed with the wisdom to know how to help and guide our children through whatever difficult time they are facing.  While holding this pure motivation and a mind of deep faith, we allow our mind to become completely still and quiet so that we can “hear” the answer to our prayers.  Eventually, a plan or image or understanding will arise within our mind.  We will understand the problem, know the solution, and see how everything fits together.  It will simultaneously feel like an answer that is coming from “somebody else” while at the same time being realized as our own understanding.  If at first we don’t get an answer, we can engage in some purification practices, trying to purify all the obstacles to our receiving a reply, we can offer a mandala to accumulate some mert, and then try our request once again.  When we get a partial answer, we can then go through this process again and again seeking further clarification until we know exactly what to do and how to do it.
  4. Post a permanent guard around our children!  Some really rich people hire special body guards to be with their children all of the time so that they never get into any danger or trouble.  We obviously can’t afford to do this, and our kids would probably come to resent it anyways.  But there is alternative, and it is free!  There is a special Buddha called a Wisdom Dharma Protector, and his job is to eliminate all obstacles and create the perfect conditions for our enlightenment.  Dharma Protectors can be requested to perform this function either for ourselves or for others, such as our children.  So we make the request with deep faith and again a pure motivation, “forever and always (meaning 24/7 for the rest of eternity), please always stand watch over my children, protecting them from obstacles and arranging for them the perfect conditions for their swiftest possible enlightenment.  Please bless them with the wisdom to always know how to transform any situation into an opportunity for their personal growth.”  Then imagine that the Wisdom Dharma Protector emanates a powerful protection circle around our children and everything that appears to their mind is now in fact emanated by the Wisdom Dharma Protector for their benefit.  It is important to remember that the Dharma Protector is only interested in our children’s enlightenment, not their comfort!  They are not a babysitter or a maid.  They will push our children to their limits, giving them unique challenges, but as parents we can know that these situations are exactly what our children need to grow and become better people.

If we do these four things, at worst we will become a much wiser and more effective parent, and at best we will become an open channel through which the Buddhas can directly raise our children.  Once we know how to do this with our children, we can then extend the same practice to our intereactions with everybody else.  The Buddhas stand ready to help us in every domain of our life, work, family and on the meditation cushion.  We simply need to accept we need their help, develop faith in them, generate a pure motivation for receiving their help, and then quiet our mind to be able to receive their guideance.  Once we become experienced with this, our daily practice will literally feel like a one-on-one daily session with our Spiritual Guide where he provides us with all the wisdom and guidance we need, both in and out of meditation.  This experience later becomes the basis for a very qualified divine pride in our Tantric practice.  Eventually this experience transforms into our becoming of one nature with all of the Buddhas, in other words, our own full enlightenment.

Your turn:  What is the most difficult situation in your life where you see clearly it would be better to have the Buddhas work through you than to have you deal with it on your own?

Quick path to being a boob!

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life

One of the things I have observed at work recently is the quickest and most effective way to self-destruct is to have a massively over-estimated sense of your effectiveness and importance.  There is a certain high level individual at the Embassy who truly believes that he has the power to single-handedly charm and convince his way on every subject.  What he doesn’t realize is people are just being polite around him and “agreeing” with what he has to say because they realize there is no point in debating with him.  He comes out of every meeting thinking he has moved the world, when in reality he has convinced noone.  People see clearly that he really seems to think he is super effective yet in reality everyone knows he is completely clueless.  This makes him look like a total boob.

One main lesson can be drawn from this:  I need to not be like this!  I too have a tendency to think I am the greatest thing to hit the face of the earth and that my views and opinions on basically everything are the ultimate and definitive word on every subject.  I relate to myself, largely as an overcompensation for my own insecurities, as if I am a real hot shot and rising star.  I do this not only in the context of my work, but I have been doing this for decades in the Sangha.

You gotta laugh!

Your turn:  Give an example of when you have done this.

Overcoming attachment to gratitude from our children

Kadampa Ryan Cultivating healthy relationships with others

Normally, when we are kind and generous towards somebody, at the very least we expect a little gratitude and appreciation for what we have done.  When it is not forthcoming, we become bitter towards the other person and develop regret for having been kind and generous.  We likewise develop the thought, “well, if they are going to be like that, then I won’t help them again in the future.”  What really drives us crazy is when we take our time to really help somebody, often times helping them do something which is not even our job, and then they criticise us for having made a mistake when we helped them!  Gen Losang tells the story of how he went into the kitchen at Manjushri Center and saw that the person who was supposed to have cleaned the kitchen did not do their job.  So, like a good bodhisattva, he decided to clean up the kitchen for them (this is a very big kitchen).  Then, just as he was almost finished, the person who was responsible for the kitchen came down, and instead of saying thank you, told Gen Losang in a critical way, “you missed a spot.” Just imagine how we would respond…

Being a parent is truly a thankless job.  When our children are babies, of course they don’t express any gratitude and we don’t expect them to because we know they are not capable.  But we do quite quickly become attached to them smiling back at us or giving us a coo or a kaw.  Generally speaking, though, we are able to give fairly unconditionally to babies.  Later, however, our attitude changes.  As our kids enter the middle to late toddler years, they grow extremely impatient with us.  They are so used to having us do everything for them, they are still not very capable of much, and they have a heightened sense of themselves being the center of the universe.  So if you don’t help them immediately, they start to get upset at you.  You do everything you can to help them learn how to do things on their own, and when they are finally capable of doing so, they get upset at you when you are no longer willing to do it for them.  When they reach 9 or 10, they learn the phrase “you are ruining my life”, and we hear this often.  When they become a pre-teen and early teenager, we become nothing but a source of embarrassement for them and they don’t want to have anything to do with us.  When they become a teenager, it is as if they are programeed to rebel against us and reject all that we stand for.  Also from about 9 on, we never stop hearing about how their friends have XYZ and they don’t, and how we are such bad parents because of that.  Or they say their friend’s parents never fight or never get upset at them, that we are the worst parents on earth.  As they get older, our function is reduced to being an ATM, and no matter how much money we give them it is never enough.  We may put them through college, enduring incredible sacrifices, but then they resent us for not having also paid for graduate school.  They then never call, never let us know what is going on, except when they get in trouble when they expect us to bail them out, and get upset at us if we do not.  When they have kids, their principal objective is to make sure they do not repeat all of the many mistakes we made when they were growing up.  At some point, life gets really hard for them and they can’t cope.  They then turn to modern psychology which explains that it is our parents fault that we are so screwed up!  So we become the object of blame.  Finally, when we are old and in need of their help, they are too busy with their own lives to be there for us.  They may help, but they do so with resentment, and we cannot help but feel miffed about their lack of gratitude.

One might look at all of this and think, “those little bastards, why would anybody want to have kids in the first place!”  But this is completely wrong.  In reality, we should be grateful for our kids being so ungrateful, because it is through their attitude that we can learn to give and care for others unconditionally.  Most of our interactions with everybody else in our life is some form of transaction, “I will do this for you if you do that for me.”  But with our kids, it is different.  We are willing to do things for them without expecting much in return except gratitude, but when they deny us even this, we can then learn to fully purify our giving and caring of expecting anything in return.  We give and we care because we want to train in love and virtue.  Virtue is its own reward.  If we take advantage of this opportunity, we will be able to quickly develop the minds of unconditional love and compassion, which are essential stepping stones on the path to enlightenment.

But we may object, “isn’t it our responsibility as parents to teach our kids to be grateful.”  The answer is, yes, of course.  But we have to make a very clear distinction between attachment to their gratitude for us and wanting them to learn the human quality of being grateful for their own sake.  If what we really want is gratitude for all our hard work and we nag our kids about showing gratitude, then we will get external expressions of gratitude but inside we will engender in them resentment towards us.  The attitude we should have is, “I don’t need your thanks, but as a human being you need to learn to be grateful for anything anybody does for you.”

But even though we ourselves don’t need their gratitude, from their side they still need to learn how to be grateful human beings.  So our job as their parents is to help them cultivate this grateful attitude.  The question is how?

There are several things we can do to help our kids learn gratitude.

  1. Set a good example of always being grateful for what others do for you.  When they see you having this attitude, they will naturally model it on their own (unless of course you nag them about how they need to be like you).
  2. Never be upset when people do not show gratitude towards you.  If they get upset about how others are not grateful towards us, then we can explain to them that we give because it is the right thing to do not because we expect anything in return.
  3. Develop within your own heart a genuine gratitude for your own parents, teachers, and those who have shown you kindness.  If you feel such gratitude, you will naturally express it and it will be naturally contagious to your children.  As you use roads, cars, buildings, tools, etc., develop a feeling for how kind everyone is for providing these things for you to use.
  4. Show gratitude for everything your kids do do for you.  It is especially important to be grateful when they show kindness to you because then they can learn the dynamic.
  5. Help them show gratitude towards others who help them, such as their teachers.  Help them really appreciate all that their teachers do by yourself being grateful and helping your kids do special cards or give special presents of thanks.  But you shouldn’t help them be grateful towards you, just others.  Whenever somebody does something nice for them, it is OK to encourage them to say thank you (just don’t nag them about it).
  6. Take advantage of birthdays, Christmas and mother’s/father’s day to help them get in the habit of showing their gratitude.  For example, as a father I should take the time to go to the mall with my kids so that they can get a gift for mother’s day.  On their mother’s birthday, I should help them realize if it weren’t for their mother being born, they wouldn’t be.  At Christmas, help them understand the cause of receiving (which is what they want) is they themselves giving to others in thanks.
  7. Help them realize, “nobody owes you anything.”  It is true, we tend to think that others, especially our parents, are obliged to do things for us.  But why is that?  Nobody is obliged to do anything for us.  If we expect people to do things for us and they do them, we dismiss their act as “normal”.  But if we expect nothing from anybody, and then somebody does anything for us, then we are naturally grateful.  It is all about our expectations.  If we can help our kids understand that nobody owes us anything, then we can help reset their expectations.

If we do these things, there is a good chance that our children will learn themselves to be grateful, but then again, maybe not.  We should not ‘need’ them to become grateful.  What we need is to learn how to give and love unconditionally.  One could even say it is our forewarned knowledge that we will likely never receive gratitude from our children, and in fact we will likely become the object of blame, that makes our giving and caring for our children today that much purer.  So we should embrace this fact, and indeed be grateful for it!

Your turn:  What act of kindness are you currently engaging in for which you still have attachment to receiving gratitude?

Compassion without wisdom

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life, Cultivating healthy relationships with others

One of the advantages of having many kids is it gives you the opportunity to make every mistake in the book!  Probably one of the biggest mistakes we made in our early days of parenting is we were all compassion, no wisdom.  Compassion without wisdom is well intended, but in the end counter-productive.  If we truly have compassion for our kids and want to protect them from suffering, then our compassion must be informed by the wisdom that understands clearly the only way to truly protect them from suffering is to help them develop within themselves the inner tools necessary to protect themselves.

Compassion is explained as a feeling of we cannot bear to see somebody else suffer.  Fueled by a misunderstanding of what this means, we did everything so that our kid would never cry and never have to experience even the slightest problem.  But in so doing, we robbed her of the opportunity to learn how to manage her own experience and develop her own capacities to deal with life.  It is also crucial that we make the clear distinction between “attachment to our children not suffering” and “compassion.”  Attachment to our children not suffering makes our own happiness dependent upon the happines of our child.  So as they go up and down, so do we!  We need to be a steady pole in their life, not thrown about by the waves of a toddler’s moods.  Compassion is a wish to protect others from suffering for their sake, not our own.

An example of how we had compassion without wisdom is putting her to bed.  Because we didn’t want her to cry, we would rock her and walk around with her until she fell asleep, and then gently put her in bed.  When she would get up in the middle of the night, we would feed her her bottle, rock her some until she fell back asleep, and then put her once again in bed.  In the beginning, it worked like a charm and we congratulated ourselves on what great Dharma parents we were since our kid never cried!  “She must be an emanation of a Buddha”, we would proudly tell ourselves.  But over time, she became more sensitive, we would rock her to sleep, put her in bed, and then she would wake back up again instantly, so we would start over.  Everytime she made even the slightest squeak in the middle of the night, back we would go.  Well pretty soon, we were up all night, and so was she, so we all suffered.  What did we teach her?  That she can’t sleep on her own, she needs us to be able to sleep.

We made this same mistake with virtually every life skill.  Throw your plate on the ground, we pick it up; throw it again, we pick it up again.  What does this teach?  Can’t use a spoon without making a mess, we will do it for you until you can.  But wait, if you never practice yourself, how will you ever learn to do it without making a mess?  Same goes with pouring the milk.  Did you make a mess while playing?  No problem, we will clean up after you so that you can go do the next ‘fun’ thing.  The list goes on and on.  All we wound up teaching her was she was incapable of doing anything, and that she shouldn’t try do anything unless she can do it perfectly – but since you can never do something perfectly without first passing through doing it imperfectly many times, she never learns how to do anything.  It teaches the way to get what you want is to either cry or be demonstratably incompetent.  How does that help?  Again, compassion without wisdom.

We also made this mistake with discipline.  Kids need limits.  Why?  Because life requires so many skills and competincies that they just can’t be expected to make the right decisions.  Limits enable them to have clear zones where they are responsible for making their own decisions and other areas where we make the decisions for them until they are ready.  This enables them to focus their attention on learning the skills of their current level of development.  They also provide stability and predictability in their lives, which gives them the freedom to grow.  Limits help them develop a clear understanding of right and wrong, do’s and don’ts.  These are essential in life.  We often fall into either the extreme of “demanding obedience” or the extreme of “allowing anarchy” with our kids, but the middle way is teaching a “healthy respect for legitimate authority.”  But when we have compassion without wisdom, we think limits are a problem.  Limits make them unhappy because they cry when they don’t get what they want.  Oh dear, perhaps we will permanently emotionally scar her if she isn’t able to do whatever she wants.  Ridiculous!  Compassion without wisdom.

We also made this mistake with dealing with change.  Change is inevitable in life.  We cannot protect our children from it.  Rather, we should give them the skills necessary for embracing and adapting to change.  Transitions to new situations, new schools, new environments, even new countries can be difficult.  But it is working through that difficulty that our children can learn to grow and thrive in any environment.  When we protect our children from change, when we do everything for them, what we are really doing is sending the message to them that we don’t have sufficient confidence in them that they can do it themselves.  No!  We need to believe in them enough  to honestly say, “I know it is hard, but I know you can do it.”

We want to help our kids.  But what it took us forever to realize is we are not helping them by depriving them of the opportunity to learn how to do things for themselves.  Will they resist, will they cry, will they call us mean?  Of course.  But we know better.  If we cannot learn to accept our children crying, we will never a parent for them.  We shouldn’t go to the other extreme with this, such as expecting a newborn baby to feed themselves their own bottle.  But if they are capable of learning how to do things, then we need to slowly and skillfully wean them off of dependence on us and give them opportunities to learn how to do it themselves.

Your turn:  Describe a situation in which you showed compassion but little wisdom.

Kadampa reflections on recent events in world

Kadampa Ryan 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden

Several people have contacted me recently asking for my thoughts on the recent turmoil in the world since I work for the State Department.  Before I provide my thoughts, I want to be very clear that I am providing my personal thoughts as a Kadampa not as official U.S. position on the crisis.  In no way should anything I say be misconstrued as U.S. policy, rather these are my own personal spiritual lessons I draw from recent events.  Our goal as Kadampas is to use all world events to realize how the Dharma is the truth.

First, we need to make a very clear distinction between legitimate freedom of expression and illegitimate expression.  In a free society, one can fully defend the legal right of the person who made the video to do so; yet at the same time as a human being we can condemn unequivocally the content of his message with our own free speech.  He has the right to say what he thinks, and I have to respect that right, but we also have the right to robustly disagree with his message and intentions with our speech.  In fact, the best response to bad free speech is not to restrict his speech, but rather for the rest of us to drown out his bad speech with our virtuous speech disagreeing with his insulting message. 

Likewise, the people in the Muslim world who were offended by this video have every right to protest the content of this video, but they have no right whatsoever to express themselves through violence.  If we are to be consistent, we need to equally defend the right of the people in these newly freed societies to protest whatever they want, but at the same time say that we unequivocally condemn their expressing themselves though violence.  As Kadampas, the bottom line is the same:  divisive and hurtful speech is morally wrong and should be condemned.  Individually, we should refrain from it always seeing how destructive it is. 

One of the main problems here is false generalizations.  In the Muslim world, some are falsely coming to the conclusion that all Americans or Westerners have insulting attitudes towards Islam and Muslims.  And some in the West falsely generalize that all Muslims are fanatics who take to rioting when their religion is insulted.  Both attitudes are wrong.  It is a very small minority in the West who hold such intolerant and insulting attitudes towards other religions, and it is a very small minority of Muslims who take to violence when their religion is insulted.  The majority in the West are ashamed to have such bigots in our midst who insult other religions, and the majority in the Muslim world are ashamed to have people who resort to violence when insulted.   It is like Terry Jones, the lunatic who wanted to burn the Korans, yes, he has the right to do it, but we can all vocally say we disagree fundamentally with his actions.  If one person does something stupid and thousands, in fact millions, express their disagreement with what the person said or did, then it is more difficult for others to falsely generalize that all Americans think like he does.  Likewise, if a few fanatics resort to violence and thousands, in fact millions, peacefully protest, then it is more difficult for people in the West to falsely generalize that all Muslims are terrorist fanatics.

As Kadampas, we can appreciate how an understanding of emptiness is the antidote to all of these problems.  When we grasp at inherent existence, we grasp at there being only one valid point of view – there is one inherently true perspective on things.  Therefore, we become threatened when people think differently than us because either they are right or I am right, but we both can’t be right.  Most religious wars have been fought due to this ignorance, with zealots violently defending that they have a monopoly on the truth and any who disagree must be destroyed.  Ridiculous!  When we realize emptiness, we can very comfortably respect other religions as being valid for those who follow that religion.  Islam doesn’t teach violence, ignorant people misunderstand Islam to commit violence.  Likewise, Christianity doesn’t teach hate, ignorant people misunderstand it and become hateful.  Islam and Christianity alike are religions of peace and love.  Islam works for some people to become more virtuous and Christianity works for others to become more virtuous.  As Kadampas, we can celebrate and respect any system of thought that encourages people to become more virtuous and condemn any system of thought that encourages people to become hateful and violent.  We don’t need everybody to follow the same point of view because our understanding of emptiness opens our mind to multiple points of view existing harmoniously and simultaneously.

I think we need to make a distinction between understanding delusion and agreeing with it.  We can understand why delusion is arising without condoning it or agreeing with it.  I think we need to view the situation from a broader perspective.  This video is not the cause of the recent violence, it is merely the match that lit the fire.  There are large swaths of the world that have been living under oppression for decades (and in some cases centuries).  These people are now freeing themselves from such oppression.  It is a historical fact that the West has a long history of crusades and support for oppressive dictators.  It is very understandable why those who have been the victims of such oppression will be angry at those who have oppressed them and at those who have backed their oppressors.  Our historical fear of Muslims and their radicalization are two halves of the same dynamic – namely that extremists on both sides feed off of one another and use the existence of the other to justify their own positions.  We have been wrong to support oppressors (even George Bush realized this) and they have been wrong to resort to violence in opposition to that oppression. 

Ghandi showed the way.  He appealed to the virtuous values of his oppressor while exhorting his followers to renounce giving those oppressors further cause to oppress them by resorting to violence.  Such an approach brings out the best of both sides.  So I can simultaneously understand why some people in the Muslim world are angry with the West while at the same time unequivocally condemn any violent expression.  I can appeal to the virtuous qualities embedded within the views of both sides as the answer to the wrong actions of both sides.  It is our mutual fear of the other which has driven both sides to wrong actions, and it is only through both sides applying effort to mutually understand and respect one another that peace can be found.  Ignorance and hatred bring conflict.  Love, wisdom and respect for others bring inner peace, and inner peace brings outer peace.  As Kadampas, recent events can teach us clearly that ignorance and hatred are the sources of all problems and wisdom and love are the sources of all good. 

Finally, as Kadampas we should never underestimate the power of prayer.  From our own side, we need to oppose our own deluded reactions or views on recent events, but for others we should pray that they find wisdom and love in their hearts.  Holy beings have the power to bless the minds of others to move in virtuous directions.  Our prayers will be as effective as our faith is strong, as our realization of the emptiness of ourselves, others and the Buddhas is complete, and as our motivation is pure.  Sometimes we think we pray only as a last resort when nothing else will work.  The reality is we should pray as our first resort because it is, in the end, the power of our prayers that enable the other things we might do to actually work.  In particular, we should pray to Dorje Shugden that he bless the minds of everyone on the planet that recent events become powerful causes of enlightenment for all those observing or participating in them.  Finally, we can pray that all those who have died as a result of recent events take rebirth in the pure land of their choice.

Once again, all of the above are my personal views and should be interpreted as such.

Helping your children develop their own spiritual lives

Kadampa Ryan Cultivating healthy relationships with others

When we first start to practice the Dharma and experience some of its powerful effects on our life, our first instinct is to try get everyone else to practice the Dharma as well.  This is especially true for our children.  We see clearly how the Dharma could help all those in our family, and we want them to be happy, so we want them also to come into the Dharma.  The essence of all Dharma instructions is Bodhichitta, the wish to become a Buddha so that we can help others do the same, so it seems only fitting and appropriate that we try help our children also practice the spiritual path.  But it is precisely because we want our children to also take up a spiritual path that we have to completely let go of the idea!

I once asked Gen Losang, “please give me a 100% guarranteed method for helping my children come into the Dharma.”  His reply was “send them to Catholic School.”  While he was of course joking, his point was well made.  The more we try push our kids into a particular spiritual path, the more obstacles we create to them actually following it.  The fundamental point is this:  the spiritual path only works if you do it from your own side because you realize you need it and you want it.  The same is true for our kids.  We can enculturate our kids into the Dharma, surrounding them with all sorts of Buddhas, take them to Buddhist teachings and temples, but we can’t ever make them practice.  Since Dharma is a process of changing our own mind, it is something that has to come from within them.  Like all other things with our kids, the more we push them into something, the more they will reject it.

It is very easy for our motivation wanting our kids to practice to become contaminated.  The more attached we are to them ‘being Buddhist’ or ‘practicing’, the more we guarrantee that they will run away.  When somebody tries to manipulate you into believing something, what is your reaction?  You reject what they have to say.  We become attached to them practicing because we have these fantasies of the whole family joyfully practicing Dharma together.  We become attached to them practicing because we want to impress our Dharma friends with how ‘into’ the Dharma our kids are.  We become attached to them practicing because we are tired of dealing with their problems, and we know the Dharma can fix them.  We become attached to them practicing because we think if they practice too we will have less obstacles to our own ability to go to teachings, festivals and the like.  We become attached to them practicing because we have a tendency to try have our kids live the life we wish we had lived, but didn’t.  We become attached to them practicing because we feel like we will have failed as a parent if they do not.  The list goes on and on.  Each and every one of these minds is an enormous obstacle to our children’s spiritual life, and we must abandon every single one.

A very senior teacher once told me, “Leave your children completely free to come into the Dharma from their own side, and in that space set a good example.”  He then went on to say, “and frankly, the same is true with adults.”  As long as our motivation is mixed with any of the above attachments, we are not leaving them completely free.  The reality is the Buddhist path is not for everyone.  We need to accept that it is quite likely our kids will never practice the Dharma (in this life, at least).  And this is perfectly OK.  For me, it has been so difficult to generate a genuinely pure motivation free from any of these attachments, that I have had to go to the opposite extreme and completely and totally forget about the idea of them ever practicing.  My job is to work on my own mind.  Full stop.  My job is to gain experience of the instructions within my own mind, nothing more.  I just need to go about my business of practicing the Dharma myself, transforming myself, becoming a better person, a better father, and if in so doing my kids develop an interest in the Dharma, then that is their business, not mine.  The interesting thing, though not at all surprising if we think about it, is the more I let go of any of my family practicing, the more they become interested in it.

We should only give our children Dharma instructions if they ask for it – many times, and genuinely from their own side.  We can always give them wisdom, because wisdom is equally useful for everyone, but we should only explain to them the Dharma as such based upon repeated requests on their part.  A mistake that I have made very often is when my kids do ask from their own side, all of my attachments come surging back up, and then I flood them with way more Dharma than they asked for.  The end result is they can’t digest it all, they wind up feeling overwhelmed, and so they reject what I had to say and they become fearful of ever asking me again.  It is far better to give them significantly less than what they asked for than even a little bit too much.  If you give them too little, they can then ask for more again from their own side.

Once somebody tastes or observes pure wisdom, they are able on their own to discern the difference between qualified and unqualified instructions.  A living example of somebody transforming themselves with the Dharma is infinitely more powerful than any words we can say.  If we ourselves are living our lives in accordance with the inner meaning of the instructions (not just adopting the external paraphanilia of a ‘Dharma practitioner’), then this will be the greatest teacher our children can have.  We should even let go of ‘trying to be a good example’ for them because this is just a more subtle form of manipulation.  No, we should just practice Dharma, and if this inspires others to do the same, then great.  If it doesn’t, then that’s OK too.

Your turn:  Describe a situation in which you were unskillful in encouraging somebody to practice Dharma.  

Wisdom phrases for parenting

Kadampa Ryan Cultivating healthy relationships with others

In several of my previous articles, I have talked about using wisdom phrases again and again as a means of equipping our kids with the wisdom necessary to solve their daily problems.  What follows is a non-comprehensive list that we use with our kids.  Each entry below states the wisdom phrase, the corresponding Dharma concept, and when to use it:

Phrases associated with the Lamrim

  1. You need to assume responsibility for your life, noone else can do it for you. Assuming responsibility.  When they pass responsibility onto others.
  2. First change your mind. Inner peace, emptiness. When they are talking about how the external situation is the problem.
  3. You are responsible for your own experience. Inner peace, karma. When they are blaming others or their external situation for how they feel.
  4. Your life is what you make of it. inner peace, karma, precious human life. When they are bored or unhappy about their life.
  5. I will only help you do things you can’t do yourself. How to rely. When they are asking you to do something that they themselves can do because they are being lazy or not believing in themselves.
  6. We rely on others to learn how to do things ourselves. How to rely. When they are trying to get other people to do things for them, or when they are having a wrong attitude towards their teachers.
  7. If you come to me with something, you will not get in trouble for it. Reliance. When you know they have done something wrong, and in general have this be an understood rule of the house.
  8. In this family, we always…(some good thing, like always tell the truth, do the right thing). Reliance on sangha. Depends on circumstance.
  9. If you won’t be proud of this on your deathbed, don’t do it now. Death awareness. When they are tempted to do something wrong.
  10. What matters (in order) is good heart, hard working, then smart, then athletic. Death awareness, karma. When they are comparing themselves to others and feeling inadequate.
  11. The only thing you take with you from place to place is your mind and the causes you create. Death awareness, karma. When their priorities are not correct.
  12. Do what you need to do, then what you want to do. Precious human life. When they want to play before they have done their chores or homework.
  13. Don’t waste a moment of your life. Precious human life. When a special opportunity arises, NOT when you think they are wasting time (which would be nagging them).
  14. ABC creates the cause for XYZ. Kamra. All the time you want to help them understand cause and effect.
  15. If you want something, create the causes for it. Karma, effort. When they want something
  16. I cannot decide for you, it is your life, you need to decide for yourself. Karma, emptiness, superior intention, wisdom. When they are going to make a wrong choice that you disagree with.
  17. Would you want others to do that to you? Karma, moral discipline. When they are doing something not nice to others.
  18. We are all subject to the same rules. Karma, setting a good example, don’t be a hypocrite. When they try be the exception to something.  Also, you show that you live by the same rules you preach.
  19. Be on good terms with everybody all of the time. Equanimity. When they are fighting with somebody.
  20. Everybody is equally special, just in different ways. Equanimity. When they are comparing themselves to others and feeling inadequate.
  21. It doesn’t matter if they are your friend, you be their friend. Equanimity. When somebody says they are not their friend anymore.
  22. Everything is equally good, just in different ways. Equanimity, emptiness. When they are unhappy with what they have or will have
  23. Always others first. Cherishing others. When they are putting themselves first.
  24. Always treat others with respect. Cherishing others. When they are being disrespectful.
  25. Put yourself in their shoes. Exchanging self with others. When they are talking about how unreasonable somebody else is.
  26. The rule is everyone works until everything is done. Exchanging self with others, not passing your burdens onto others, living in community. When there are still chores left to do and they are playing.
  27. X difficulty is an opportunity to train in Y quality. Transforming adverse conditions into the path. When they are upset about something adverse in their life.
  28. Our job in life is to make ourselves useful to others. Bodhichitta. When the question comes up of what are they going to do in life, or why are they doing certain things (such as studying certain subjects).
  29. Be the change you want to see in the world. Setting a good example, emptiness. When they are complaining that others are acting in particular ways.
  30. Nothing is boring, it only becomes boring if you relate to it with a boring mind. Emptiness. When they say something is boring.
  31. Nothing has the power to bother you, you let things bother you. Emptiness. When they are bothered by something or somebody.
  32. There are no external enemies. Emptiness, equanimity. When they are talking about how somebody else is causing them problems.
  33. The only thing you have control over is how you, yourself respond. Emptiness, karma. When they are anxious about things beyond their control.

Phrases associated with abandoning delusions

  1. We only buy what we need, not what we want. Abandon attachment. When they are asking you to get them something they do not need.
  2. If you can’t afford it, you don’t need it. Abandon attachment.  When they want to borrow money to buy something now
  3. It doesn’t matter what other people think, form your own opinion. Abandon attachment to what other people think, develop your own wisdom. When they are bothered by what other people think, or when they are following other people’s wrong views.
  4. Never sacrifice your self-respect. Sense of shame. When they are doing something stupid to fit in with others.
  5. You are not your anger (or other delusion). Not identifying with your delusions. When they are identifying with their delusions and are down on themselves.
  6. How are you any different? Don’t look for faults in others, change yourself. When they are finding faults in others.
  7. Don’t blame others for your troubles. Assuming responsibility, blaming only delusions. When they blame others.
  8. Don’t expect anything from anybody, ever.  Nobody owes you anything. Abandon anger from false expectations. When they are upset because somebody hasn’t lived up to their expectations.
  9. Be happy with what you’ve got, not unhappy about what you don’t have. Contentment. When they wish they had something else, newer, better.
  10. There are no bad people, only bad minds. Separate the person from the delusion, blaming delusions. When they are saying somebody else is bad.
  11. That person is not mean, they are just confused. Separating the person from their delusions. When they are saying somebody else is bad.
  12. Don’t make excuses, just get it done. Abandon laziness. When they are complaining about obstacles or how hard things are.

Phrases associated with the six perfections

  1. Giving is the cause of receiving. Giving. When they want something.
  2. Never say anything bad about anyone, ever. Abandon divisive, hurtful speech. When they say something bad or hurtful about somebody else.
  3. If you wouldn’t say it to their face, don’t say it behind their back. Abandon divisive, hurtful speech. When they say something behind somebody’s back.
  4. Never compromise with the truth. Abandon lying. When they are fudging the truth about something.
  5. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Abandon negative speech. When they say something not nice.
  6. Always do the right thing. Moral discipline. When they don’t know what to do, or are about to do something wrong.
  7. I will give you as much freedom as you prove you can use responsibly. Moral discipline is the cause of freedom. When they are asking for more freedom to do something.
  8. The price of freedom is responsibility. Moral discipline is the cause of freedom. When they are asking for more freedom to do something.
  9. In your heart, you know what the right thing to do is. Moral discipline, follow your wisdom. When they are unsure about what to do, and are tempted to do the wrong thing.
  10. Treat others as you would want them to treat you. moral discipline, karma. When they are treating others badly.
  11. Patience! Patience. When they are being impatient.
  12. Patience is the cause of beauty. Patience. When they are being impatient or when they are concerned about their looks.
  13. You have to accept… Patience. When something happens beyond their control.
  14. Life is hard, get used to it! Renunciation, patient accepance. When they are whining about things, and need to toughen up.
  15. A job worth doing is a job worth doing right. Effort. When they do something half-heartedly.
  16. You can do anything if you practice it enough (or …if you put your mind to it). Effort. When they are feeling discouraged.
  17. It is better to be hard working than it is smart. Effort. When they are feeling discouraged.
  18. If at first you don’t succeed, try try again. Effort. When they are feeling discouraged.
  19. Full effort is full victory. Effort. When they are being lazy, or doing things half-heartedly.
  20. First plan, then hustle. Things start in the mind, effort. When they have a big project, when they start acting before having developed a plan.
  21. Focus! Concentration. When they are becoming distracted, especially during homework.
  22. Only do one thing at a time. Concentration. When they do more than one thing at a time, such as their homework while listening to music.
  23. It is a bad habit to do two things at once. Concentration. When they do more than one thing at a time, such as when they are entertaining themselves.
  24. We only buy something if we decided to buy it before we entered the store. Follow your wisdom, not your delusions. When they ask to buy something while you are in the store.
  25. In this family, reason governs. Follow your wisdom, not your delusions. When they ask to do something, make them justify why with reasons.  When you want them to do something, justify with reasons – don’t use your power.
  26. Think before you act. Follow your wisdom, not your delusions. When they act impulsively without thinking.
  27. All of your actions should be deliberate. Follow your wisdom, not your delusions. When they act impulsively without thinking.

Your turn:  What wisdom phrases do you have to share that you have picked up in your life?

The perfection of giving in family life

Kadampa Ryan Cultivating healthy relationships with others

To become a Buddha, we must engage in the practice of the six perfections of giving, moral discipline, patience, effort, concentration and wisdom.  What makes these practices a ‘perfection’ of giving, etc., is we engage in them with a motivation of becoming a Buddha for the sake of all beings.  While we can certainly practice all six of the perfections in the context of family life (subjects of future articles…), probably the one we practice the most is giving.  Virtually everything we do as a parent is giving in one form or another.  This is actually very fortunate, because whatever we give we create the cause to receive in the future.  So if we give abundantly and wisely, we will have ample resources in the future with which we can help others and also continue on with our spiritual trainings.

In general, we say there are four different types of giving:  giving material things, giving protection, giving love and giving Dharma (or wisdom).  I will discuss each in turn.

Giving material things.  When you think about it, we give our family everything.  We provide them with a home, food, clothing, toys, computers, phones, TVs, vacations, etc.  Most of the time, we ‘provide’ these things without even the slightest thought of ‘giving them.’  We just do them, but we don’t use the opportunity of providing these things to train ourselves in the ‘mind of giving.’  This is a waste.  It is very difficult to engage in spiritual practices if our basic needs are not met.  Why are our basic needs currently met?  Because in the past, we ‘gave’ to others what they needed to survive and thrive.  We should not just live in our home, we should mentally ‘give’ our home to our family.  We should think, “I am giving my family a home so that I will always have a home in which I can continue with my bodhisattva training.”  We can think the same with food, clothing, etc.  It is very important that we never impute ‘mine’ on any of these things.  When we think “my home” for example, the mental thought of possession functions to burn up the merit of having a home.  If instead we think, “I am giving this home to my family”, then instead of burning up our merit, we are accumulating new merit, or virtuous karma.  One way or the other, we will still live in the same home, but the karmic consequences of the two different mental attitudes is enormous.

Giving protection.  Especially when our kids are little, we are constantly protecting them from all sorts of dangers.  Each one of my five kids would probably be dead several times over if as parents we hadn’t intervened to save them.  One of our main responsibilities as parents is to provide our children with a safe environment in which they can explore and grow.  If a child does not feel safe, they do not grow.  We protect them physically and emotionally all the time.  We can think, “I am protecting my kids now so that in the future I will always be protected when I engage in my bodhisattva path.”  We need this.  If in the future we are not protected, we will not be able to continue with our spiritual training.  There is a difference, however, between “giving protection” and “being protective.”  It all comes down to their capacity.  If they are incapable of dealing with something in life, then of course we should protect them from it.  But if they are capable of dealing with it, then we are doing them a disservice by “being protective.”  Our job is to equip and train our children to be able to deal with any challenge in life.  If we are “being protective” we rob them of their opportunity to grow in capacity, and thus leave them ill prepared when they are forced to confront reality on their own.

Giving love.  Some parents make the mistake of thinking it is enough to give material things to their kids.  While welcome, material things alone have little meaning to our kids.  What they really want is our love.  They want to feel loved, feel supported, feel appreciated, feel like we are there for them when they need us, feel like we are a confident hand that will help them grow, and they want to feel we enjoy being with them.  Few parents take the time to really be with their kids, and even when they do, their heart usually isn’t really in it, so the so-called ‘quality time’ isn’t that quality of time at all.  If we are a grump or we project that we would rather be doing something else or that we are too busy for our children, then even if we are with them, they will not feel our love.  Giving a dead leaf with genuine love and excitement can bring far more joy than just trying to buy them off with even the most expensive toys.  There are three types of love we can give our children.  Affectionate love is feeling genuinely delighted to see or think of our kids.  Cherishing love is when we really consider them and their happiness to be important, a real priority in our lives.  And wishing love is actively working to help them find their own true happiness (from within).  Even if we have nothing material we can give our children, we can always give these three types of love. It’s free!  Their childhood does not last long and we only get one shot at this, so we must try make every moment with them count.

Giving wisdom.  This is without a doubt the most important thing we can give our children, because with wisdom they will be able to find their own happiness.  Wisdom is a special type of intelligence that always knows to do the right things.  Our children can carry the wisdom we transmit to them throughout their whole life, and in all situations.  It sets up habits of behavior and view that will carry with them throughout their life and indeed into their future lives.  There is no greater gift we can give than wisdom.  There are really two ways we can give our children wisdom:  directly through our words and indirectly through our family culture.  The former is effective, the latter is golden!  For giving wisdom directly with our words, the secret is to have a handy toolkit of key wisdom phrases that we give again and again in a variety of different contexts as the way to solve their daily problems.  Simple examples include, “a job worth doing is a job worth doing well,” or “you can do anything with enough practice” or “doing such and such creates the cause for XYZ.”  I will do a future article on the key phrases we use with our kids.  Frequent repetition of the same phrases but directly applied as the solution to their daily problems is what enables the wisdom to stick with them in the future.  My Grandma was the queen of this, and she passed several key wisdom phrases on to my father, who then repeated them to me, and now I find myself repeating them to my children.  Such is the power of wisdom.  But it is really through the osmosis of our family culture that we can transmit the most wisdom to our children.  Culture, in this context, means “how things are done or thought about” in a given grouping of people.  Culture operates in the background without people really being aware of it.  It is simply part of the fabric of their lives, and they assimilate it without even being aware of it.  If our family simply operates on the basis of wisdom, our kids will acquire that wisdom deeply within their own minds.  For example, if we never lie, if we always take bugs out instead of swat them, if we talk to each other with respect, if we assume our responsibilities, if we do what we need to do before what we want to do, etc.  All of these things are part of our family culture.  Some families have destructive cultures, such as always considering oneself the victim of the world, without choice in how to respond, or one that always blames others, or puts onself first over everyone else, or one that resolves disputes with violence, fear and intimidation.  All of these are part of one’s family culture.  We should really take the time to identify the culture of our own family and make sure that we make modifications if necessary.  It will be these family cultural norms and values that will be the real legacy we leave within our kids that will shape their whole lives.

In addition to giving these four things, we also need to work on improving the scope of the motivation with which we give.  When we start, in order to establish the mental habit of “giving”, it is OK to think, “everything I give I create the cause to receive in the future.  Since I want these things, I better give them now.”  As our scope improves, we can start to think, “giving is one of the main causes of obtaining a precious human life in the future, so I better give now while I can.”  Further, when we give we create the cause to “lack nothing.”  Lacking nothing is not a physical thing, but a state of mind, whose nature is that of contentment.  Paradoxically, when we attain liberation (which we do by letting go of everything) our experience becomes one of simultaneously having everything and lacking nothing.  As bodhisattvas, we think I need to give so that I can receive in the future.  Why do I want to have abundance in the future?  So that I can give even more!  A Buddha, finally, is able to give everything to all living beings all of the time.  They expereince the entire universe as emanated by them as their gift to all beings.  They are able to emanate countless emanations in infinite forms, each performing the function of leading all beings to enlightenment.  Other might not experience the objects of their life in this way, but that is only because we haven’t given them enough wisdom yet!

Your turn:  Describe the different types of giving you practice in the context of your family life.