If I’m honest with myself, my practice is much more sincere and robust when I am in crisis mode because frankly I have no choice other than to practice with every fibre of my being just to get through it. In many ways, my life has been in one form of crisis or another since 2008, and arguably for decades before that. It has essentially been a non-stop roller coaster ever since 2008 with some pretty heavy stuff. There is no doubt that all this adversity has forced me to really dig deep and move beyond an intellectual understanding of Dharma to actually using it to bring my mind back to inner peace every time I get knocked on my butt. I cannot help but feel extremely grateful for all this difficulty because there is no doubt it has pushed me far along the path – indeed probably much farther than I would be if everything was all rainbows, unicorns, and harmony among people.

But at the same time, if I’m honest, I’m really tired of being in crisis mode. I know this is samsara and samsara is the nature of suffering – unrelenting like the waves of the ocean crashing down – and I have to accept that. I know there will be no peace until I wake up from the nightmare of mistaken karmic appearances. But when I read Chapter 8 of Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life, I cannot help but be moved by his descriptions of the supreme joy of a yogi’s life, like a child at play. I know Venerable Geshe-la taught that we need to attain the union of Kadampa Buddhism and Modern Life, but he also gave us these verses as something to aspire to.

Yes, I have grown tremendously through this adversity, but dammit, I’m tired of having to always learn and grow through adversity and tragedy. Yes, I can do it, but I would love to be able to just enjoy and improve, like a child at play or like the archetypical wise old man playfully taking delight in the butterfly that landed on his finger. When I think about me doing my future retreats, etc., this is really part of the vision I am hoping to get to. Effort can not be just be drugery, indeed, it has to be the nature of playful joy.

My challenge is I don’t know how to get there, in the short-run at least. I’m not choosing tragedy and adversity, it just keeps happening in my life. When it happens, like in the Alcoholics Anonymous prayer, I have no choice but to pray, “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Or in Kadampa terms, “well, I guess I need to grow through this one too.”

I’m so tired of constant crisis, I just want it to end, but I find when I succumb to that sort of thinking, it quickly turns into an attachment to external peace, or it is a non-acceptance of the truth of samsara, or it is a lack of faith in Dorje Shugden that he is arranging exactly what I need. It’s like I’m trying to resist how things are, not accept them; it’s like I’m trying to say I know better than Dorje Shugden, almost trying to supplant him. So I need to let go and accept that this is the karma that is ripening and that it is all for the best (I always see at the end how it was, even though it sucked to go through).

I think in the long run, though, I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to be like the contented, playful yogi. We just shouldn’t be attached to it. The question is how do we get to the point where we can just be going with the flow like a child at play? I need to do a few things from my side.

First, I need to purify the gobs of unpurified negative karma that remain on my mind. I have created the karma for everything I experience and I either need to purify it before it ripens or go through it, there is no third possibility. So if I want to stop lurching from crisis to crisis, I need to start getting serious about engaging in purification practices.

Second, I need to overcome the laziness that sets in when times are “good.” Many times I have made the request to Dorje Shugden to please arrange the outer and inner conditions necessary for my swiftest possible enlightenment. When times are shit, I’m forced to practice and make progress; but when times are good, I quickly become lazy or complacent or I stagnate. This reaction to good times creates deep incentives to keep the bad times coming because I only seem to grow with them. I need to get to the point where I grow MORE in the good times than the bad, then it won’t be as necessary for me to have to experience tragedy to fulfill the larger spiritual promise/wish of attaining enlightenment as swiftly as possible.

Third, I need to do what it takes to create the outer conditions necessary for me to not have to think much about having enough resources necessary to sustain my practice. This basically practically means I need to make enough money to be able to fund my retirement enough so I can dedicate my time to my practice. Venerable Geshe-la talks in How to Transform Your Life about the extreme of spirituality. We also need to tend to our external circumstances and there is nothing wrong with doing so. For me at least, if my spiritual life become my “job” that I need to do to sustain myself externally, it would likely taint the joy just like joining the golf team in High School killed the joy of the game because it became about winning. Or it is like the person who loves cooking for their friends and decides to become a chef only to find making it their job stole all the joy. So yes, I need to make the money necessary that I won’t have to worry about being able to have a good enough life where I can be that child at play. Through a combination of perhaps working a bit longer than I originally anticipated and learning to live with less, I think I can hopefully get there. Basically, for the next 8 years at least, I am going to try learn to live on next to nothing and to save almost everything I can to build up enough of an asset base that generates enough income to be able to be a child at play in my retirement.

Fourth, I think I’m done taking on new responsibilities for others in the sense of creating dependencies of others on me. I will always carry the great responsibility of caring in every way for the doctrine and migrators because this is my Kadampa bodhichitta responsibility. Externally, I need to fulfill all my remaining responsibilities to my family and to my country that I have assumed, but I don’t need to take on any new ones in samsara. I have basically been carrying much of the load of many people for many decades. This has exhausted me and created a degree of dependencies in them where they struggle to function on their own as strong, independent, self-sufficient, and healthy adults. It was perhaps necessary at the time, but I need to gradually get them to the point where they don’t need me anymore to function autonomously (in their own way). And I need to make a point of NOT entering into any more relationships with anybody that could once again become a dependency. I will, to the maximum extent possible, try to not enter into any new relationships that are not at a minimum reciprocal and hopefully are mutually enhancing. I need to fulfill my existing responsibilities in samsara, but I have zero intention or desire to take on any new ones.

Along the way, I am sure there will inevitably be more tragedy and adversity that arises. I will have no choice but to grow through them (since the alternative will be to let them destroy me). But this is my roadmap for getting to the yogi’s life. I may not even get there in this life, I don’t know, but it seems like a noble direction to head in.