We all have observed how people often treat nice people the worst. There are many reasons for that. Typically life is hard and most people are jerks, but others can’t say anything to those people without them doubling down on their jerkiness – striking back and creating negative karma for themselves in the process. But we know nice people don’t retaliate, so people take out their frustrations on them. Usually the nice person becomes everyone’s favorite scapegoat, the person you can safely blame. They are the people that can be falsely accused of being the problem, even when in fact they are not.

Kadampas are particularly prone to falling into this role – or should I say trap. We know the teachings on karma, so when people falsely accuse us or blame us, we accept it as our karma to be falsely blamed, made the scapegoat, or be mistreated or disrespected. We know the teachings on emptiness, so we accept even ultimately we are responsible for everything that happens and appears to our mind. Because we know these teachings, when people falsely accuse us of things or make us the scapegoat for all the problems in our families or work environments, we sometimes go along with it – accepting it as purification, transforming the adversity into the path, taking it as a powerful teaching on emptiness, training in the patience of non-retaliation, etc. And for us, it is entirely possible that we are able to do so purely, and other’s disrespectful actions towards us do function as a wrathful empowerment. We may receive genuine benefit from being mistreated this way.

But sometimes, perhaps most of the time, we are not able to entirely transform things in this way and it can hurt us badly. Worse, sometimes we may even internalize other’s false narratives that we are the problem and start thinking we are such a terrible person, terrible bodhisattva, etc., thinking we are the one who needs to do all the changing and others are perfect. In essence, people gaslight us and we assent to that, thinking we really are so bad and that we are the source of the problems, etc.

Sure, if we are making mistakes, we should admit them and change. No doubt. But that doesn’t mean we need to accept everybody’s false accusation against us as true. Accepting defeat does not mean accepting false accusations as true. There is absolutely nothing wrong with our protecting ourselves and our own mind by rejecting their false accusations as true and refusing to play the role of the scapegoat.

But even if we are able to transform everything, it seems to me our compassion compels us to – even forcefully if necessary – also reject these false accusations and being made the scapegoat with others. It doesn’t help them to allow them to falsely accuse us and scapegoat us. Indeed, it gives them a pass on their own wrong behavior and enables them to evade their conventional responsibilities in the situation.

While it is our karma to be falsely accused and everything is just a karmic manifestation of our mind, conventionally speaking – according to normal worldly conventions – sometimes we AREN’T the problem, even if everybody in the situation sees us that way. We are being falsely accused. We are being unjustly scapegoated. Assenting to these things lends credence and credibility to what is in fact relationship dysfunction.

Overcoming ordinary conceptions means to stop assenting to ordinary appearance. Just because things may appear to exist in a certain way doesn’t mean they in fact exist in that way. In exactly the same way, assenting to false accusations or assuming the role of scapegoat in situations helps nobody. It is a form of voluntarily assenting to ordinary conceptions. It keeps the relationship dysfunction going.

Pushing back on these false accusations and refusing to continue to play the role of scapegoat will definitely create turbulance in our relationships. People are used to blaming us, it’s convenient for them to do so. But it certainly doesn’t help them because they never then assume responsibility for their own actions, their own lives, and their own experiences. It also enables them to create all sorts of negative karma for themselves. It makes them feel justified in their anger towards us.

It’s worth recalling the negative karmic consequences of being angry with a bodhisattva. While we may not be a bodhisattva yet in the sense of having generated spontaneous bodhichitta, we are a baby bodhisattva, a similitude of a bodhisattva, we are striving to become a Buddha for the benefit of all. Harming us, being angry at us, disrespecting us, falsely accusing us, scapegoating us, etc., creates terrible karma for them. Allowing them to do these things towards us allows them to create such karma for themselves. Where is the compassion in that? Who does that help?

So yes, while we accept false accusations and scapegoating as purification of our negative karma and yes we don’t retaliate, conventionally our wisdom and compassion compels us to push back against them and refuse to assent to them. We can admit our mistakes and change where their accusations are justified, but we are under no obligation to do so where they are not. There is nothing selfish about protecting ourselves from internalizing their false narratives. Indeed, it is an act of compassion to not. Our refusal to do so will create waves in the short-run, but it will create accountability and healthy relationships in the long-run. We always play the long-game.

It is possible that people will end their relationships with us if we no longer play the role of scapegoat. So be it. That relationship isn’t actually helping them anyways. It is “compassion” and “cherishing others” without any wisdom. And if we are not actually able to fully transform their narratives into the path, then we are also protecting ourselves from internalizing their false accusations and developing self-loathing and misplaced guilt. And who knows, perhaps our refusal to accept their false accusations or play the role of scapegoat will eventually help them wake up to what they are doing and they stop.

Abandoning Doormat Dharma is a vast and important practice. Rejecting false accusations (while accepting them as purification) is a critical part of Venerable Geshe-la’s example, one we need to fearlessly and confidently adopt.