We need to make a very clear distinction between attachment to others not suffering and compassion for those who suffer. Attachment to others not suffering is we believe our happiness depends upon others not suffering. We try help them not suffer because when they do, we do. There are two key problems with this. First, it is fundamentally concerned about ourselves, we need them to be happy so we can be happy. Second, and more importantly, when they fall, we fall with them. Our attachment is like chains tying us to them, so when they sink, we sink with them. If we sink with them, we are worthless to them and those dependent upon us sink with us.
We can only develop pure compassion wishing others were free from their suffering by first gaining a mind of patient acceptance that they are suffering. If we can’t accept they are suffering, they can’t accept that they are suffering, and then their suffering becomes intolerable, accelerating the sinking of all. Just because they are suffering does not mean we have to suffer as well because of that. This doesn’t mean we don’t care, and it doesn’t mean we don’t act to do something. Quite the opposite, when our compassion is free from attachment, then we can genuinely care and actually do something because we are not drowning with them.
Pure compassion is also a wisdom mind that understands what are the causes of suffering – delusions and negative karma – and what are the cause of happiness – wisdom and virtuous actions. The person suffering will almost always be blaming something outside of their mind for their suffering, and thinking what needs to change is something external. Of course, sometimes external changes are needed, and we should make all that we can reasonably do, but fundamentally whether they are happy or not depends upon their mental outlook. Pure compassion therefore seeks to transmit appropriate wisdom to help the suffering person also, and eventually primarily, change their mind. As they change their mind, they will naturally start making better external choices, and then both the inside and the outside start to get better.
None of this is easy. In fact, this is some of the hardest parts of the path. But if we truly want to help lead our loved ones out of their suffering, we must learn to make these distinctions.
3 thoughts on “How to avoid sinking with those we love when they suffer”
Thank you so much. This really resonates and clears up some of my mental confusion
Extremely clarifying, thank you!!
Thanks for posting this. The advice is very applicable to a problem I’m having with my long standing relationship. I agree it’s difficult but reading it and using as a point of contemplation during metitation over the last week has given me a path to help my partner. Thanks again.