life

The Fires of the Deepest Hell for the Sake of Each Being:

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life, 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden , , , ,

Maybe when we first start practicing Dharma we are selfish in the sense of not caring about others, neglecting them, etc. A few years of practice and that is easy enough to leave behind. Where it gets complicated is when we absolutely want to cherish others, but sometimes the best way to cherish them is to stop enabling self-destructive behavior. Sometimes not helping them helps them more because it forces them to step up and assume responsibility for themselves and their own future.

I have spent decades misinterpreting cherishing others to mean becoming everybody’s savior, solving all their problems for them, but to a large extent all I did was create dependency and deprive them of the opportunity to learn how to stand on their own two feet.

I think for me the key test is “are they capable of doing this thing themselves?” If the answer is no, and it needs to be done, then OK, I will step in and do it for them. But if the answer is yes, they can (even if they don’t believe they can), then I will make myself available to coach them how to do it themselves, but the burden has to fall on them to do it. And if they don’t, then the consequences of them not doing it are also theirs to bear.

When I do that, they will howl in protest and use every single emotional blackmail tool in their arsenal to get me to do it for them – guilt tripping me, getting mad at me, threatening self-harm or self-destruction in some way, provoking some sort of crisis that forces me to step in, etc., etc., etc. And why wouldn’t they? Such a strategy has worked for them countless times in the past. That’s how they have learned to cope with life’s difficulties – self-destruct in some way or get mad at me to do things for them. I have trained them to do exactly that. Breaking these patterns is really hard.

When we stop participating in these behavioral cycles, they hate you for it, they cut off communication, they emotionally implode (or explode), they trigger crises, etc. If we give in to these forms of emotional blackmail, it never stops and the cycle starts again. Sometimes natural life consequences are the best teacher.

But again, for me at least, the test is “can they realistically do it on their own?” If they can’t, and it is conventionally our responsibility in society to help them, then we need to care for them because it is normal to do so, even if they are being emotionally abusive towards us along the way. We are not helping them to avoid the emotional abuse, we are helping them because they need help and we can do so.

But even this has an exception: “Are we capable of continuing to help without it crushing us in the process?” Here we have to be really honest with ourselves about what our actual capacity is. If our helping is destroying us, destroying our capacity, preventing us from practicing Dharma, leading to burnout, etc., then we have to say, “I would want to help, but unfortunately I can’t.” Sometimes our understanding of cherishing others not only leads to savior complexes as above, but also martyr complexes where we sacrifice ourself on the altar of helping others. Of course we sacrifice our self-cherishing – we have gathered all blame into one and are willing to torch it – but we don’t sacrifice OURSELVES. We are not our self-cherishing. We can’t make destroying our self-cherishing to mean destroying ourself. There are many, many people in this world that I would want to help, but I lack the capacity to do so. I need to use the fact that I would want to help but currently lack the capacity to do so to fuel my bodhichitta – this is why I need to become a Buddha so then I can help everyone.

The other mistake I make is exaggerating the importance of a few people on the altar of others who I could also be helping. If I spend all my time and mental energy on just a few people (who I’m not really helping anyways, I’m just enabling them becoming dependent on me to solve their problems for them) and I neglect all these other people who I could be helping who do want my help and I can make a difference in their lives, then I am not cherishing ALL living beings. We need to cherish everyone, not sacrifice many for the sake of few.

This gets hard when it is our conventional responsibility to help certain people (such as our kids, aging parents, employees, close friends, etc.). So for me, if I have a conventional responsibility towards somebody, then I accept this is my responsibility and I meet it because that is the “exactly as normal” thing to do in modern life. VGL has said countless times we should not be abandoning our families, etc., to “practice Dharma,” but instead we should start with those we are karmically close to and expand outwards. But there does come a point where we have met our karmic responsibilities and conventionally they should be taking care of themselves. Then, if there are others who I could be helping more, then I should be willing to cherish them too, even if doing so means I might be helping those I have been helping a lot a little less.

Then the final hurdle is learning to accept sometimes those we love will suffer and there is nothing we can do about it in the short-term. We need to completely let go of our attachment to them being OK and not suffering. We of course care for them and wish that they don’t suffer, but we can’t be personally ATTACHED to them not suffering, where our mental peace and well-being depends upon them not suffering. Just as we have to accept the truth of suffering for ourself, so too we need to accept the truth of suffering of others. They are in samsara so their lives are also the nature of suffering. Accepting this fact then needs to channel into our bodhichitta – therefore the only solution is I need to become a Buddha so I can eventually be there for them in life after life, gradually leading them out. But I can’t liberate them like a magic wand. They have to do the work. I can’t do it for them. So I need supreme patience with them (“please be patient with us”) and acceptance that they are likely going to suffer for a very long time until they do what needs to be done to not. I can’t do it for them.

It’s so hard. I often try remember the line from Offering to the Spiritual Guide, “even if I must remain in the fires of the deepest hell for many aeons for the sake of each being.” The bodhisattva’s path is not for the faint of heart. In the end, I put my faith in Dorje Shugden. I bring VGL into my heart requesting his wisdom blessings to know what to do. And then I try be as much like Heruka as I can be. I make mistakes, I try correct for them; I get knocked down, I get back up again. With persistence, we will get there in the end. We will eventually attain enlightenment and guide them to the same state.

Cherishing Only Others with Wisdom:

Kadampa Ryan 3. Tantra, 4. Practicing in Daily Life , , , ,

Once we make the decision to cherish only others, the question then becomes how do we do so with wisdom. There are many common traps we can fall into along the way.

Venerable Geshe-la famously explained in New Eight Steps to Happiness that, “the path to enlightenment is really very simple – all we need to do is stop cherishing ourself and learn to cherish others. All other spiritual realizations will naturally follow from this.”

The whole reason why we attain enlightenment is to help others more effectively. Attaining enlightenment itself depends upon generating bodhichitta, the actual wish to attain enlightenment for the sake of others. Bodhichitta depends upon great compassion, a mind that cannot bear the suffering of others trapped in samsara and strongly wishes to protect others from samsara’s sufferings. Great compassion depends upon cherishing others, considering their happiness and freedom to be something important to us. We develop this mind primarily by developing a feeling of gratitude for others kindness, realizing how self-cherishing is the cause of all our suffering, and clearly understanding that cherishing others is the actual root of our enlightenment (the solution to all of our own and others problems) since all other realizations of the path flow naturally from this. All this leads to the conclusion we need to cherish only others.

But once we have made this decision, it is very easy for us to fall into a wide variety of traps and mistakes. In particular, I want to highlight five mistakes that I have made in the hope others might be able to avoid them. It is not enough to just cherish only others, we need to learn to do so with wisdom.

One mistake we make is developing a savior complex. We think it is our job to save others, that we are responsible for both their suffering and for saving them from it. Such an approach, while well-intended, winds up creating dependency in others where they become incapable of helping themselves, they wait for the messiah, and think they can’t be happy or escape from their suffering without us doing something. In effect, this disempowers them to save themselves.

A related mistake is cherishing others with a martyr complex. Here, we wind up sacrificing ourself – destroying our own capacity to help – in the name of cherishing others. This can take many forms, such as taking on more than we can handle, pushing ourselves beyond our limits, leading to some form of burnout. Or it can take the form of sacrificing our own practice of Dharma because we are so busy “cherishing others” we don’t have time to properly invest in our practice, or maybe others resent our practice and so we think to cherish them we need to abandon it, even if only on the margin. This can also lead to resentment of those we are supposedly cherishing. We know our cherishing of them is leading to our burnout, destroying our capacity, or causing us to sacrifice our practice and then we start to resent others for not realizing what they are doing to us – we do so much for them and they just take, take, take, and don’t give a damn about how it is destroying us.

A mistake that has many, many levels to it is cherishing others mixed with attachment. The common denominator of all these levels is us being OK depends upon them being OK. When they do down, we go down with them. Our happiness depends upon them being OK. Nobody is OK in samsara, we are all drowning, so if we confuse our cherishing love with attachment to them being happy, then instead of it leading to enlightenment, our cherishing others makes the whole world’s problem our problem, and all the suffering of the world our suffering. We can quickly become despondent, discouraged, and give in to despair. It’s true, we need to “feel” other’s suffering as acutely as our own, but this doesn’t mean we should make everybody’s suffering our own. We care about their suffering as much as our own, but we don’t experience it. It’s not our suffering. This is a crucial distinction.

Another common mistake is helping too much, this often flows out of the savior complex, but can also come from just a lack of wisdom understanding what is more beneficial. We all know the saying of it is more helpful to teach a man to fish than give him one. The answer, of course, is give him a fish while you are teaching him how to do so so he doesn’t starve before he learns how to fish for himself. When we help too much – doing things for others that they can do for themselves – they never learn how to actually do things on their own and remain forever dependent. Breaking this cycle can be very difficult, especially if we have been carrying others too much for a long time. It puts us in these terrible dilemmas where either we step in to help or they crash and burn, perhaps losing everything they have been working for their whole life. But if we take a gradual approach, it can be done. It’s also like teaching a toddler how to walk. At first, they hold your finger but at some point they need to let go and walk on their own.

An additional common mistake we can make is assuming cherishing others means giving them whatever they want. Most people are completely controlled by their delusions, so what they want is what their delusions want. If we give others what their delusions want, we just feed their delusions which actually harms them. Sometimes, we have to say no – we could give them what they want, but we refuse to do so because we know it is not what is in their best interests. Or sometimes we have to speak some hard truths to them – give them some tough love, things they need to hear but don’t want to hear. They may even hate us for doing or saying these things, cut off communication with us, blame us for all their problems, start a smear campaign against us with anybody and everybody they speak with, including those we know. It can get real ugly. They may resort to all sorts of emotional blackmail or guilt trip us about being a bad Buddhist for not doing what their delusions want us to do for them. But we sometimes need to love others enough to do or say things that they will hate us for. This is a hard one.

Each one of these mistakes has many levels and we should request blessings to identify how we are making them. Then, we gradually purify our cherishing of others of them. At the same time or subsequently, we can then start informing our cherishing of others with the wisdom realizing emptiness, understanding that the others in our life are actually mere karmic projections of our mind. Realizing this without falling into the extreme of solipsism is a whole other topic worth exploring. Once we have some experience of the union of cherishing others and the wisdom realizing emptiness, then our tantric practice of pure view of others, the power of prayers to help them, etc., all take on much deeper meaning and develop significantly more power. But again, that is another very large topic.

The point is, while it is true all other realizations naturally follow from the decision to cherish only others, actually doing so skillfully and with wisdom is a vast practice. But slowly, slowly we purify our cherishing love of these mistakes and learn how to deepen it with emptiness and the tantric teachings, and eventually it carries us all the way through compassion, to bodhichitta, to full enlightenment, to the real reason why we did all this in the first place – to be able to help others find everlasting peace and happiness.

Happy trails!

Embracing the Ruins of Our Life

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life, 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden , , , ,

Sometimes we find our life in ruins. Everything we have been working for and building has been wiped out or lay in ruins, with little hope of ever going back to how things were. Sometimes, even, we realize how our own past choices and mistakes led to such a state. It is easy at such times to fall into extremes of shame, guilt, hopelessness, and despair.

What to do?

Sometimes learning things the hard way leaves a deeper impression on our mind and so protects us from even worse in the future because we once and for all start avoiding repeating those same mistakes. Each time we confront the consequences of our past choices, we can take it as a reminder of these lessons.

But the key, I think, is to make sure we are 100% avoiding guilt and beating ourselves up about it. That just gets in the way, and in fact is its own form of self-anger, so still a delusion and negative action (self-harm).

We need to accept where we are at, both externally in terms of our situation and internally in terms of the nexus of delusions and negative karma that led us to our present circumstances and that still remain within our mind.

To accept where we are at means to be at peace with it. OK, this is where I find myself. I know how I got here and I am at peace with that too, free from any guilt or discouragement. Now, I rebuild from here. We need to accept the rubble of our past wars before we can start cleaning it up and building something new, something better.

When we confront the reality of our situation, such as ruined relationships, those we love falling into the abyss, financial difficulties, health problems, addictions, anxiety, depression, discouragement, bitterness or despair, we need to learn to accept that too.

These outer and inner circumstances give us an opportunity to let go of our attachments to these things. These attachments have led us to countless problems in the past. Our present circumstances give us the chance to finally let them go. This doesn’t mean we abandon, for example, our efforts to have healthy, meaningful relationships nor does it mean we don’t try improve our financial situation if we can, but it does mean we let go of our attachments thinking these things matter for our happiness. They don’t.

Our happiness depends upon whether our mind is at peace with both our external and our internal circumstance. Going forward, it depends on whether we deepen that peace through lamrim, lojong, and mahamudra. This is our task now, if we choose to accept it as the main purpose of what time we have left.

I, of course, realize as I write this that in truth I’m writing to myself. These are exactly the things I need to realize towards my own situation. As somebody close to me often says, “it is what it is.” OK, no problem, we build something new from here – both externally and internally. We try do so on the foundation of the lessons learned seeing the ruins of our present life and that of those we love. We can’t control whether others learn their lessons, but we can learn the lessons from their life for them with a bodhichitta motivation. We collect these realizations now so we can share it with them in the future when they are ready, or at the very least we set a good example they may or may not appreciate.

So yeah, sometimes it is a total wipeout. Sometimes we lose everything. Sometimes even we realize our own role in the situation we find ourself in. Great. We now learn our lessons, let go of any guilt, and get to work on building something new, both externally and internally. Something better, something healthier, something more stable, something more peaceful. The choice is ours. Our future is too. What our future looks like depends upon what we do now. Accept the ruins, yes; lament them, no.

Guru Sumati Buddha Heruka, Dorje Shugden, Heruka, please fill my mind with your blessings to accept the ruins of my life, clean up its mess, learn its lessons, and build something better from here, for my own sake, for the sake of all those I love, and for the sake of all others who might find themselves in similar situations.