6. Special series

Cultivating healthy relationships: Knowing when and how to get out of a dysfunctional relationship

Kadampa Ryan Cultivating healthy relationships with others

If you recall from the first post in this series, a healthy relationship is one where we are able to increase our own good qualities in the relationship.

So with this understanding, under what conditions should we get out of a relationship?  It depends on what we want.  If what we want is good external conditions, the answer may be different than if what we want is to develop ourselves internally.  Historically, what we want is good external conditions, so we jump from one situation to another depending on the external rewards of the situation.  As we start to want internal growth and development, an entirely new level of justification for remaining in a relationship arises.  It is entirely possible that from an external perspective, there is nothing keeping us in a relationship, but from an internal perspective, we are still growing so we want to stick around.  Whether we remain in a relationship depends on many factors:

It depends on our capacity to use/transform the situation into an opportunity to increase our inner qualities.  If the situation we are in is so extreme that it is functioning to destroy us internally, then the situation is beyond our capacity and we need to get out.  This does not mean that there won’t be difficult times and situations where we are knocked on our butt.  The question is do we have the capacity to pick ourselves back up again and be better for it.  In this context, it depends upon our motivation.  If our motivation is thinking that we can run away from our problems by running away from the relationship, then we will be disappointed.  We cannot escape from our karma.  If we moved to a cave to get away from it all, we would start to prefer some parts of the cave to others.

It depends on whether we have tried everything.  Before we leave a situation we need to make sure that we have tried everything we can think of, plus some, to make it work.  Only then can we leave with a clean conscience.

It depends on whether the other person has the intention to change.  If somebody doesn’t have the intention to change, then no matter what you do, they won’t change.  People often think if they get married or have a kid then the person will change, but then they are disappointed when it doesn’t happen.  If the other person doesn’t have a sincere interest in changing, then they won’t.  So we should stop holding out for that, and move on to help somebody else.

It depends on our sense of self-worth.  We tend to undervalue ourselves and allow ourselves to remain in an unhealthy situation.  In the eyes of the Buddhas, we are all perfectly good and extremely precious.  Because we lack confidence in ourselves we think it is better to be with somebody even if it is bad than it is to be alone.  This is not true.  It is better to be alone than to be in a destructive relationship.

It depends on our relevant alternatives.  In general we say that our task is to learn how to respond to the situations we find ourselves in without delusion.  If we cannot yet do this, but we still have the capacity to grow, then we should stay.  However, this depends on our alternatives.  It doesn’t make sense to exaggerate the importance of a few people at the expense of the many.  We may be able to remain in a situation and have a small effect on somebody else, but if our alternative is to bring about greater benefit to a greater number of people, then it may make sense for us to get out.

So assuming we have examined carefully these points, and we have decided that we need to get out, the question is how.  We need to generate a pure motivation concerned for the other person.  We need to try to leave for their sake, and understand how our leaving is best for them in the long-run (even if it means in the short-run they suffer more from losing us).  If we are genuine with this, then when we explain to them why we are leaving for their sake, they will be able to accept it easier.  If we are not at the point of leaving yet, we need to set terms under which we are willing to stay and leave it up to the other person to decide if they can meet those terms or not.  We need to come to a clear understanding of what is a functional relationship and under what conditions we are willing to stay.  Then we have an honest conversation with the other person communicating the conditions under which we can remain.  Then if the relationship does break it is because they decided that they can’t stay under our terms.  So it is them who is leaving, not us.  We should not let things linger on.  If we know it is going nowhere, it is better to end it and move on than to let things linger for years.  If it is just not going to work, it is better to come to this understanding early and make a clean break than it is to allow things to linger on in a goofy way.

When things are really dysfunctional, what do we do?  Usually the thing that prevents us from getting out is emotional blackmail of an extreme sense.  We get out in such circumstances by gradually breaking the cycle of emotional blackmail, as described in an earlier post.  It is quite possible that the other person will not want to remain with us when they realize that they can no longer emotionally blackmail us.  In abuse situations, we need to realize that we are harming the other person by allowing them to abuse us, and we need to get out.  If it is really extreme threats either of suicide or real harm, then we need to be very careful, but we need to know that staying in such a situation will not make it go away.  We need to get out, it is just an issue of how.  In such cases, we should seek professional advice.

Cultivating healthy relationships: How to break the cycle of emotional blackmail

Kadampa Ryan Cultivating healthy relationships with others

The purpose of the next couple of posts is to explain how to deal with the more difficult cases.  In this post we will talk about how to break the cycle of emotional blackmail, and in the following posts we will discuss knowing how and when to get out of dysfunctional relationships and how to bring out the best in ourselves and others.

Emotional blackmail is when somebody applies an emotional penalty against us when we don’t do what they want us to do.  It is only a problem if we are inclined to change our behavior as a result of the emotional penalty they apply.  In other words, if we were planning on acting in the way the other person wants us to regardless of the emotional penalty they are threatening, then it is a non-issue and not worth responding to.  Better to just ignore it and do our thing.

The most important thing to know about blackmail is when somebody emotionally blackmails us and we give in to their threats we guarantee that they will attempt to blackmail us again in the future.  The other person knows they can control and manipulate us.  This is why it is a cycle.

So how do we break this cycle?  The starting point is we need to acknowledge that the only reason why people can emotionally blackmail us is because we let them.  At the end of the day we have choice over our actions.  We can choose not to give in to their threats.  The reason why we usually do give in is because we think it is not worth the hassle – the other person will make a bigger problem for us if we don’t go along than the benefit we otherwise would receive if we did what we think is best absent their threats.  So we decide that it is not worth the fight.  The flaw in this logic is that while it may be true on any given instance, the fact that this destructive pattern will be repeated again and again reverses the costs and benefits.  It is not just this one issue, but the blackmail will happen again and again on issue after issue until we finally break the cycle.

Before we take a stand against somebody blackmailing us we need to make sure that we are right.  It is not advisable to take a stand on issues where we are wrong because that just makes us stubborn and unreasonable.  To break the cycle we need to be willing to accept whatever penalty they throw at us and still not change our behavior.  This will demonstrate to them that their emotional weapon of choice is powerless over us.  We will not change as a result.  This eliminates the power of that particular emotional weapon forever.  They will know that it no longer works.  Even if they try to use that same emotional weapon again, it will be easier for us to again not give in.  Eventually they will no longer try using it because they know it doesn’t work anymore.

Please note when we do not give in to their first level of threats, they will most likely escalate the emotional penalty they throw at us to something worse.  We have to be willing to take that as well.  The point at which we give in is the point at which they have control over us.  They will seek out the point we are the most vulnerable on and attack that.  So in parallel we need to train in non-attachment to the things that they can threaten to take away from us.  We need to get to the point where mentally we don’t need these things anymore.  We need to get to the point where we don’t fear what they can do to us anymore.  Our happiness does not depend on having what they can take away from us nor does it depend on avoiding what harm they can throw at us (if they are abusive, then we often need to get out.  See the next couple of posts).

Cultivating this non-attachment can sometimes be very hard to do, especially when it comes to losing the love of those who are very close to us, such as our spouse, children or parents.  But as Saint Francis said, “ask that I may not so much seek to be loved as to love.”  In other words, it doesn’t matter whether they love us, it only matters whether we love them.  Our happiness does not depend on them loving us, rather our happiness depends on us being able to love others – something entirely within our control.  It is our attachment to things that others can take away from us which enables them to blackmail us.  If we didn’t have this attachment, it wouldn’t be possible to blackmail us.

We need to work gradually with this.  We often can’t break free from their systems of control too quickly because the other person won’t be able to take it and may do something really stupid.  We should start by not giving in on small things at first, and then when we think it is becoming too much (for them or for us), we strategically give in.  Then next time we push it a little bit further.  Eventually we absorb everything they have to throw at us, and none of it works, so they stop trying.

How do we deal with particularly difficult cases of others threatening to harm us or to harm themselves?  We need to be very careful here to assess how credible the threat is.  If it is truly credible, then we need to know at what point to stop.  Usually people who threaten things like harming us or harming themselves also employ a vast arsenal of smaller threats and emotional blackmail weapons.  By gradually wearing away at these smaller threats through the method described above, we can erode the foundation for them to call in their ultimate trump card.  Since we don’t give in on the smaller threats, they are forced to escalate until they reach their trump card.  But then they will have to threaten the ultimate on smaller and smaller things.  In such a situation, they are more likely themselves to not think it is worth it, for example, to kill themselves if we don’t go to the movie of their choice!  By eroding the smaller threats we make the ultimate threats less likely and less credible.  Sometimes we may need to call their bluff; and if we are right that they are bluffing, they become highly unlikely to employ that particular threat again.  This helps us because then we are not threatened in this way again and it helps them because they are forced to learn new ways of dealing with others.  If, however, the situation is really extreme, and we have done everything we can think of, then we might need to get them help and get ourself out.  We will talk about this in a later post.

How can we do all of this with a compassionate motivation?  Our motivation for breaking the cycle of emotional blackmail should be as compassionate as possible.  By allowing somebody to emotionally blackmail us we are enabling them to accumulate all sorts of negative karma for themselves which will result in them being similarly emotionally blackmailed in the future.  They blackmail us because they think their happiness depends on us doing particular things.  By giving in, we feed their attachment and therefore make them dependent.  This doesn’t help them.  We also need to help them realize that their happiness does not depend on what we do.

The bottom line is we don’t help people by indulging them in their delusions.  This doesn’t mean we jump to the extreme of never doing so in one go, but it does mean we have a general direction of our relationship with them.  With an intention to save others from all of the negative consequences described above, as an act of love towards them, we simply stop giving in.

It will be hard, and sometimes people may conclude it is not worth having a relationship with us if they can no longer manipulate us.  So be it – the relationship was doomed anyways.  But most of the time, we can bring about a change in the dynamic between us and others by engaging in Ghandi-style non-cooperation with wrong behavior.  If we succeed in doing so, after the long ordeal, our relationship will then be put on a healthy foundation and we can begin to enjoy the fruits of mutual love and respect.

Cultivating healthy relationships: How to make peace instead of retaliate

Kadampa Ryan 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden, Cultivating healthy relationships with others

When somebody harms us our first reaction is to retaliate.  We usually do this out of anger, with the wish to get the person back or teach them a lesson not to do this to us again in the future.  But in general, retaliation only makes the situation worse.  To understand this we need to examine who really benefits and who is really harmed when someone acts towards us in a way that would normally harm us.  If we check, we realize we actually benefit.  We have now paid off a long-standing karmic debt.  If we practice patience, our inner qualities are improved.  The other person loses – they create the causes to experience suffering in the future, and were miserable in the experience because they got angry.  It was our fault they did what they did to us anyway, since we created the cause for them to do it to us.  So actually it is we who should feel sorry towards the other person.

But non-retaliation does not mean that we become everyone’s favourite doormat, or that there aren’t circumstances where we need to be firm.  Here we make a distinction between wrathful actions and angry actions.  Anger is necessarily an uncontrolled deluded mind, whereas wrathful actions are engaged in with total control, knowing exactly what we are doing.  Anger is necessarily motivated by self-cherishing, whereas wrathful actions are necessarily motivated by compassion and the wish to help the other person.  We need to be honest with ourselves and check if it is sincerely for the sake of the other person that we are wrathful with them or are we just using Dharma to rationalize the conclusions of our self-cherishing and angry mind.  Anger is directed towards the another person, whereas wrathful actions are necessarily directed towards delusions.  Anger is directed towards anyone who harms us, whereas wrathful actions are generally directed towards those who have sufficient faith in us.  So we need to check how much faith the person has in us.  Anger is necessarily a reckless action, whereas wrathful actions require tremendous skill.  In general, they almost always backfire unless you have extreme skill.

How to resolve conflicts with others

What follows is some step-by-step advice we can follow for resolving conflicts with others:

  1. Face up to your own mistakes and faults.  The first step is admitting that you have done something wrong.  Normally we blame the other person for all conflicts, and then we come up with a million reasons justifying why we are faultless and they are to blame.  This just causes things to degenerate into a blame game, increasing defensiveness and the problems.  It is totally useless to do this because it leaves the solution to the problem in the court of the other person.  It is much better to take the responsibility all into our court, so that the solution is all in our court.  It is particularly useful to look at ourself from the perspective of the other person.  Try see yourself the way the other person sees you.  This will help you identify where you have made mistakes and will make your facing up to your faults more effective with the other person.  The key to wisdom is being able to view the world from the perspective of others.  By facing up to your own faults, and apologizing for what you have done wrong creates the space for the other person to do the same.  The key here is you need to be sincere.  It doesn’t work to just say, ‘it was all me’, when you don’t really believe that.  The key here is not to expect anything in return.  We can get mighty upset when we apologize for what we did wrong, and then the other person doesn’t reciprocate.  We should do the right thing, regardless of what the other person does.
  2. We need to relate to the other person’s pure intentions.  Nobody is evil in their own mind, even Stalin, Hitler, and Osama Bin Laden thought they were good.  So you need to put yourself into the mind of the other person and understand what their good intentions are, and relate to that.  A good example is those family members who care so much about you that they smother and control you because they cannot stand to see you suffer.  Of course, their controlling behaviour makes things worse, but it is coming from a good place.  Likewise, we all know people who want all the right things but they use all the wrong means to attain them.  By relating to the person’s pure potential, it functions to draw it out, and shows them that you understand their position.
  3. Start first by establishing common ground.  When we are in a conflict we tend to focus so much on the differences that we lose sight of the much more significant commonalities.  In most conflict situations, it is inappropriate attention to focus on the minor differences and neglect the vast swaths of commonality.  It is from the space of common ground that differences can be resolved.
  4. In working through the differences try the following approach:  For those issues which are not important, or you are wrong, graciously practice accepting defeat and offering the victory.  There are so many things that we fight for that are really irrelevant.  For those issues that are important and that there are differences on, stand your ground without getting angry and clarify your intention.

These steps will help lay the groundwork for de-escalating the conflict in your life.  The other person will see you are trying to make things better and you are trying to act constructively.  It is much harder to act unreasonably in response to somebody who is being reasonable and constructive.  This helps not only you, but it also helps them.

Finally, if we want to eliminate even the possibility of being harmed, we need to surrender our lives and our karma completely to our Dharma protector Dorje Shugden.  We get angry because we wish things were different than they are.  When we rely on Dorje Shugden, everything is perfect for our swiftest possible enlightenment.  The situation may be uncomfortable and even painful, but we will know it is good for us.  We will know it is by working through this emotional challenge that we will grow spiritually and move closer to enlightenment.  We will gain the realizations we need to help others in the future who are suffering from similar problems.  In short, our difficulties will have a clear spiritual purpose.  If we genuinely feel that things are indeed “perfect”, then there is no basis for us wishing things were different than they are.  Therefore, there will be no basis for an angry response to arise in our mind when we are harmed.  Conflict may still occur, but we will not experience that conflict as a problem.  Through our not adding fuel to the fires of anger in the world, gradually the relationships around us will become increasingly harmonious, peaceful and rewarding.

Cultivating healthy relationships: How to resolve conflicts in our relationships

Kadampa Ryan 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden, Cultivating healthy relationships with others


For most people, conflict is the main problem they have in their relationships.  There is virtually no one who does not have conflict in their relationships.  In this post I will try explain what are the causes of conflict in our relationships, how to overcome our own anger and how to resolve conflicts with others

What are the causes of conflict in our relationships

Self-cherishing is the root cause of all problems in our relationships.  It is because we are pursuing our own interests, often at the expense of others, that our relationships have difficulties and conflict.  From self-cherishing comes attachment – where we view other people as a cause of our happiness.  They are there to make us happy.  From self-cherishing also comes anger – the mind that things that other people are the cause of our suffering.

So how does attachment cause problems in our relationships:  mostly through our expectations of others.  We expect so many things of others, and then when they don’t live up to our expectations of them, we feel like they have failed us, and we are unhappy or angry.  We have expectations that others treat us in a certain way, for example talking to us in a certain way or treating us with respect. We have expectations that others do or not do certain things for us, for example our parents paying for our university or our partner bringing us flowers on Valentine’s day.  We have expectations that others behave in a particular way, for example of wanting our kids to go to bed. But others did not ask us to have these expectations of them, so it is mighty unfair to judge them when they don’t live up to them.

So how does anger create problems in our relationships?  We can get angry about anything and anger always makes the situation worse.  It always escalates the conflict or harm.  Even if we deter the other person from doing what we don’t want with our anger, we just create resentment which provokes other problems, it leaves us miserable and from a spiritual perspective, it destroys all our merit.

How do we overcome our own anger in our relationships?

In the final analysis, it is better to have zero expectations of anyone or anything.  Then we are never disappointed.  Take the example of how we are all taught to manage the expectations of our boss.  If he gives us some project to do and asks us how long do we think it will take to complete it, we always give ourselves a little more time than we will actually need.  Why do we do this?  If we think the project is going to take us 1.5 weeks to complete and we say that, then if we turn it in in 1.5 weeks it will be expected and if it takes longer than 1.5 weeks we are late.  If instead we say 2 weeks, then if we turn it in after 1.5 weeks we are a hero, whereas if we turn it in in 2 weeks it is not a problem.  We manage our boss’ expectations.  But we need to manage our own expectations of others.  If we expect great things – or for that matter, if we expect anything – from others, then we set ourselves up for disappointment.  If they meet our expectations, we are not happy because it was expected.  If they fall short of our expectations, we are unhappy.  Either way we lose.  If instead we expect absolutely nothing from others, then even the smallest thing they do will exceed our expectations and we will be happy and grateful.  Ironically, by expecting nothing of others we can become grateful for everything.

In every situation if we check carefully we will see there are two possibilities:  We can do something about it or we can’t.  If we can do something about it, we should do so.  Then no problem.  No need to make a big drama out of it (which we usually do).  If we can’t do something about it, then we practice patient acceptance.  This is a mind that happily and wholeheartedly accepts difficult situations.  It is not just bear with it, but genuinely welcome the situation.  Since there is nothing you can do about it, you have a choice of either be upset about the unavoidable or transform the experience into something meaningful.  If with two cancer patients, one accepts their illness and the other does not, surely the latter suffers far more.

How do we practice patient acceptance?  We find ways of transforming the situation into an opportunity to increase our own inner qualities. We consider the situation a lesson in the law of karma.  We created the cause to experience whatever is happening to us.  So we are paying off a long-standing debt – like paying off the last mortgage payment.  We can use the situation to increase our determination to treat others as we would want to be treated:  kindly.  It is important to not feel any guilt here.  Guilt differs from regret in two ways:  (1) regret is forward looking, and (2) regret blames our delusions (not ourselves).  We can consider it a lesson in the need to overcome our delusions.  The only reason why we suffer in a situation is because we respond to it in a deluded way, and because motivated by delusions we created the karmic cause to experience this problem.  So we can identify what delusions are present in our mind, and try to overcome them.  We can consider it a lesson in compassion for others.  Others are suffering from far worse, and so instead of thinking about ourselves, we can think about others and generate the compassionate wish to actively dedicate ourselves to helping relieve others of their suffering.

In the next post we will talk about how to not-retaliate, and instead to make peace.

 

Cultivating healthy relationships: What is a healthy relationship?

Kadampa Ryan Cultivating healthy relationships with others

With the background of the previous post in mind, we can now turn to what exactly is a healthy relationship.  A healthy relationship is one where we grow internally as a result of the relationship.  Where within the context of the relationship we are able to increase our own inner qualities and abandon our own inner faults.  It is worth noting that this definition is strictly internal.  We can’t judge whether our relationships are healthy or not by external appearance, but only by the effect they are having on our mind.  Whether we grow or not grow internally in our relationships depends entirely upon ourselves, and not the other person.  If we relate to our relationships with others in a constructive, beneficial way, we can grow from them, no matter how difficult they may be.  Thus what externally may seem like a non-healthy relationship, for us can be extremely rewarding and beneficial.  Remember whether we are happy or not has nothing to do with our external circumstance, but instead depends entirely upon our mind.

This is important because it means whether we have healthy relationships or not is completely and utterly in our control.  The extent to which we hold on to the notion that the health of our relationships is outside of our control is the extent to which we deny ourselves the possibility to have all our relationships be healthy and rewarding.  A mutually healthy relationship would be one where two or more people grow internally as a result of the relationship.

So what is the difference between true love and dependency or attachment? We all want loving relationships, but unfortunately we have no idea what they really are. Society says love says, “I love you because you make me happy.”  We love other people for what they bring us, such as good food, company, support when we need it, etc.  I am not just talking about in relationships with our partners, but also with our friends, families, etc.  Here the object of concern is oneself.  At best, this can be called self-love, but more accurately, it is a contract.  Conditioning our happiness on something the other person is doing is called dependency, or attachment.  When both people are doing it, it is called co-dependency.  The principal motivation for relationships like this is ‘self-cherishing’, the mind that thinks one’s own happiness is supremely important, or the mind that values one’s own happiness over others.  Others derive their importance from their relation to us.  This attachment and self-cherishing are the root causes of ALL dysfunctional relationships.  It is a very useful exercise to identify how behind every problem we have in our relationships, we find attachment and self-cherishing.

True love, in contrast, says ‘I love you, how can I make you happy?’  Here the object of concern is the other person.  It is this distinction that makes our feelings towards others true love.  The mind of true love is what we call a ‘virtuous state of mind’, where it’s very presence in our mind makes our mind more peaceful and controlled and happy.  A loving mind is a happy mind.  True love doesn’t expect anything in return.  It just thinks about the other person and works to secure their happiness.   The principal motivation for relationships like this is the mind of ‘cherishing others’, which is a mind that values others’ happiness as important.  True love and cherishing others are the root causes of all functional relationships.  It is a very useful exercise to identify how a pure heart of cherishing others is present in all functional, healthy, and rewarding relationships.

So how do we generate true love for others?  There are three different levels of love.  Affectionate love is where we are delighted to see or think about the other person.  Like a mother when she is reunited with her child.  Cherishing love is a love that values, or considers to be precious and importance, the happiness of others.  Wishing love is a love that wishes the other person to be happy, and actively works towards accomplishing that goal.  This is the highest form of love.

At the end of the day, love is a daily choice.  To generate true love, or the mind that values and works for others happiness, all we need to do is understand why we need to do so, and then make the decision to do it.  The more we familiarize ourselves with this determination, the more we naturally change our heart until we naturally feel pure warm hearted love for everyone we meet.

There are two main valid reasons for generating the good heart of love for others.  First, they are so kind.  If we check carefully everything we have comes from the kindness of others.  Cars, roads, our body, our mind, our language, etc.  It does not matter that others don’t intend to be kind to us, from our perspective we still receive benefit and thus they are kind to us.  So what appears is the various things, but what we understand is the kindness of everyone.  We live in a web of kindness.  It is so beneficial to do.  All problems and all suffering come from self-cherishing, and all happiness and all good fortune come from the mind of cherishing others.  When we sincerely cherish others, we are liked by everyone, we easily establish rewarding relationships, and we are able to keep a positive attitude all the time.  Ultimately, all spiritual realizations flow from this mind as well.  It is like the first domino on the way to enlightenment.  Love is the opponent to all jealousy.  Jealousy is a mind that is unhappy at others good fortune.  Love, or rejoicing, is happy that others are happy.  With rejoicing we can enjoy all the happiness that exists in the world.  Love is the opponent to all loneliness.  Loneliness comes from thinking of oneself and from viewing others as objects for our own happiness.  With love we think about others, not ourselves, and we view ourselves as there to help others be happy, not the other way around.

The inner mechanism of self-cherishing, attachment, and anger is inappropriate attention.  We focus all our attention on our own good qualities and on other’s faults.  We need to examine whether this is a beneficial thing to do or not.  What are the disadvantages of ignoring our faults and focusing on the faults of others?  We develop a highly distorted, self-important view of ourself, and an arrogant, disrespectful attitude towards others. We perform many negative actions resulting in lower rebirth.  It prevents us from overcoming our faults.  If we can’t identify them we can’t get rid of them.  If we can’t get rid of them they will continue to cause us problems.  It is no different than someone pretending that they don’t have cancer.  It is a useless mind because it neither increases our qualities nor reduces our faults, and it does not cause others to share our exalted opinion of ourself.

What are the advantages of facing up to our faults and focusing on others good qualities?  It decreases our deluded pride.  Pride prevents us from learning anything.  Water does not collect at the top of a mountain.  Cherishing love flows naturally from focusing on other’s qualities.  The inner mechanism for being able to develop cherishing love for others is changing our attention.  If we do this, cherishing love comes easily and effortlessly.  We shall gain the respect and friendship of many people.  Understanding it is more beneficial to put our attention on our own faults and focus on other’s good qualities we make the determination to do so.

Cultivating healthy relationships: Motivation for series

Kadampa Ryan 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden, Cultivating healthy relationships with others

The goal of this series of posts is to examine some of the Kadampa tools we have available for making our relationships more healthy, stable and rewarding.  Ever since the publication of Modern Buddhism, the main mission of the tradition has been to attain the union of Kadam Dharma and modern life.  Our modern lives are the field of our practice of the Kadam Dharma.  Just as there is the field of accumulating merit and the field of all living beings, so too there is the field of our practice.  The field of our practice is like our personally emanated training ground/camp to forge us into the Buddha we need to become.  If we wish, our drill sergeant can be Dorje Shugden.  Part of our modern life is our modern relationships with other modern people.  Conventionally, we can’t accomplish anything, spiritual or worldly, if we don’t know how to maintain good relationships with everyone.  Ultimately, we cannot attain enlightenment until we realize the emptiness of all other beings and our relationships with them.  We see them all as the dance of the fabric of our mind.

Will part of our motivation for wanting to fix our relationships be worldly?  Of course it will.  This is normal.  When we all come into the Dharma, one of the main reasons is because our relationships are so bad and we are seeking some solutions.  Learning these methods for worldly reasons is not bad.  Seeking the solution to our worldly problems with spiritual means is better than seeking solutions to our worldly problems with worldly means.  We don’t stop doing the right thing if our motivation is less than perfect.  We will want to do so for both worldly and spiritual reasons in the beginning, but over time the spiritual reasons will gradually purify the worldly ones until eventually our motivation is entirely spiritual.

There are no quick fix solutions to problems with our relationships, but there are proven methods for gradually breaking free from all dysfunctional patterns in our relationships.  I want to make this series of posts very relevant to our actual modern life situations.  If all of this remains academic information, there is actually little value.  We need to dig deep into our actual situations, and try come up with more healthy ways to deal with them.  As you read through these posts, I encourage you to try think of them directly in the context of your relationships.  Mentally try these ideas to see how they might work.  Please also feel free to post questions in the comments section and I will try answer them.  If we do this, we will also be able to learn from other’s situations as well.  This is why the Facebook groups are so important.  They enable us all to learn from one another and keep the Dharma relevant to our lives.  We should not expect that just because we read a few posts on a blog that we are going to be able to fix all our problems in our relationships.  Our goal should be to gain some valuable tools, and to get yourself started on a fresh way of approaching our situation.

This series of posts will have three main parts:  The first is “what is a healthy relationship”, the second is “how to resolve conflict in our relationships”, and the third is “how to bring out the best in others and ourselves.”

Before we begin with the topic, it is worthwhile going back to basics.  We all want happiness all of the time.  We mistakenly think our happiness depends upon external things, and as a result certain external things are seen as causes of our happiness and other external things are seen as causes of our suffering.  We will then develop attachment for the former and aversion for the latter.  But the reality is our happiness is a state of mind, it is an internal feeling.  Since its effect is internal, its cause must be so also.  The cause of happiness is inner peace.  When our mind is at peace, we will feel happy even in the worst of external conditions.  When our peace of mind has been disturbed, we will feel unhappy even in the best of external conditions.  From this, we can see that the essential condition for happiness is inner peace.  This then raises the question, “what is the cause of inner peace?”  Delusions, by definition, function to destroy our inner peace.  We know a particular mind is a delusion if it functions to destroy our inner peace.  In other words, any mind that destroys our inner peace is, by definition, what we call a delusion.  In the same way, virtuous states of mind, by definition cause our mind to become more peaceful.  We know a state of mind is a virtuous one if it functions to make our mind more peaceful.  All of Dharma practice, therefore, is training our mind to abandon its delusions and train our mind to cultivate virtuous states of mind.  The more we do this, the more peaceful our mind will become in all circumstances, and the happier we will be all of the time.

In the context of our relationships, we have countless opportunities to do this.  Some relationships generate delusions in us, such as attachment and anger; and some relationships generate virtuous state of mind in us, such as love and caring.  Most relationships have a mixture of both.  If we want to make our relationships healthy, stable and meaningful, we seek to abandon all deluded reactions on our part in our relationships and instead cultivate only virtuous responses to whatever may arise.  By learning how to do this, and by transforming any adversities that come our way, we will position our mind in a space where no matter what happens in our relationships, good or bad, it will function to generate virtuous states of mind in us.  In this space, even if there are problems in our relationship, they won’t be “problems” for us – they will be just another opportunity to practice abandoning harming others and learning to cherish them fully.

We have no control over what other’s do, so our main focus should be on getting our own actions correct.  We waste so much time thinking about what others need to do to change, and we fail to look at what we need to do.  We need to reverse this.  We need to redefine the problem.  Normally we define our problems in our relationships in external terms:  what others are doing, whether we are with somebody or not, and so forth.  Here we make an important distinction between situations and problems.  The situation is what it is, but whether it is a problem or not depends upon our mind.  It is our mind that makes our situation a problem.  Geshe-la says we should distinguish the outer problem from the inner problem.  He uses the example of a car that has broken down.  Normally, we say, “I have a problem.”  But this is not correct, the car has a problem.  Whether we have a problem depends on how our mind relates to the outer problem.  If our reaction is deluded, then we have an inner problem.  If our reaction is virtuous, then we have no inner problem, and we remain happy.  Our focus here will be to redefine our problem to be how our mind relates to the situation, not the situation itself.  The advantage of this is it puts you in total control of your own experience.  Geshe-la gives the example of imagine we had to cross a large, rocky surface.  What would make more sense, covering the entire surface with leather or just covering our feet.  It is certainly more efficient to just cover our feet.  In the same way, when we are confronted with the endless series of outer problems we call samsara, we have a choice:  either try make the external conditions exactly as we want them all of the time (good luck with that!) or we learn to make our mind react virtuously to whatever arises.  Surely a more effective strategy.

Whether we are happy or not in a situation depends 100% on our mind, and actually has nothing to do with the external situation.  It is our belief that we have no choice about our emotional response to the world we experience that leaves us the constant victim, and creates all our problems.  When we accept that it all depends upon our mind then we take things completely into the domain of something that we have total control over, namely our reaction to events, a solution becomes possible.  As long as we condition the solution to our problems on what others do, then our freedom will always be arbitrary, fragile, and outside our control. True happiness is inner peace, the ability to remain calm and positive regardless of our external situation.

The main focus of this series of posts is give us the internal tools we need to learn how to interact in our relationships in a more beneficial way.  We will explore more beneficial ways of looking at the situations we face, and we will find ways of being able to grow internally from every situation, regardless of whether it is good or bad externally.  If we can do this, then even if we remain in a difficult situation, for us it is good and we grow from it.  Our external sitaution may not have changed, but its status as a ‘problem’ for us has changed.  The extent to which we are happy depends upon the degree to which we have beneficial, healthy states of mind.

Cultivating true self-confidence: How to fully seize the opportunity you now have (final post in series)

Kadampa Ryan 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden, Cultivating a true self-confidence

In this series of posts, I have done my best to explain my understanding of how we generate a reliable basis for generating self-confidence and then how we actually practice cultivating self-confidence.  In this last post, I will try explain what helps me overcome my laziness and indeed light a fire in my heart.

The first thing to do is to meditate again and again upon dying full of regrets.  Imagine that you arrive at your deathbed and your spiritual guide shows you what all you could have accomplished if only you had been motivated enough.  You could have accomplished all spiritual goals and lead countless others to the same state.  You could have caused your local center to flourish and enabled countless people to make contact with the Dharma – actually engaging in a Bodhisattva’s actions.  But instead you listened to and followed your laziness and attachment and anger, and accomplished nothing.  You have used up all the Dharma karma and now will fall into the lower realms where you will remain for aeons once again saving up your spiritual pennies.  Use this meditation to arrive at the conclusion that you will not let this happen to you.

Second, we need to realize that this moment is the one in which we can fulfil our spiritual destiny.  We wouldn’t go to school for years and years only to at the last minute not finish.  We wouldn’t run for political office our whole career and win the election to presidency and then not show up for the job.  Allow yourself to really feel this epic opportunity.  Meditate again and again on the opportunity you now have and that you have everything in front of you to accomplish everything.  The only thing you have to do is pick up what Geshe-la has given you.  The only thing standing in your way is the strength and purity of your motivation.  If you work on that, then you will have everything.

Third, we should appreciate the high stakes for the success of your practice, our local center and our tradition.  If you don’t attain enlightenment, everyone you know and love will fall into samsara and be lost for as long as it takes you to get out.  All the people who are depending upon your future students are also depending upon you, and so forth.  There are literally countless beings whose fate depends upon your actions in this life.  Our local Dharma centers are like an Embassy for all the Buddhas in our area.  It is our job to make it happen for the people of our respective areas.  If we don’t make it happen, it won’t happen for them at all.  When you see others you should think, ‘this person is depending upon me.’

On this basis, we should cherish our local Dharma center.  Through our local Dharma center we can accomplish everything.   Geshe-la has put everything at our feet.  We simply need to pick it up and use it.  We can accomplish with our local center what Geshe-la has accomplished with Manjushri center.  And we will have it much easier than he did because he has already written all the books and practices, established the study programmes, etc.  We just need to use it.  Venerable Tharchin says every person who walks into the center he views as the future saviour of all.  This is true.  This is a very literal statement.  We need to adopt this view, and cherish others accordingly.  The karma we accumulate working for the center continues to accumulate for as long as the center exists.

At a personal level, we need to quit hedging and holding ourself back.   Normally we have one foot in our practice and one foot in samsara – hedging our bets. What are we hedging on samsara for.  We already know enough Dharma to know it is a dead end and has no prospect for giving us anything.  Do something different with your life.  Really make a decision to go for it with all you’ve got.  Burn all the bridges to samsara and never look back.

With our relationship to our tradition, we need to allow ourself to be influenced by the three jewels and especially Shantideva.  We need to be careful about what we allow to influence us, so we need to check carefully that these things are of quality and value.  But once we have done that, then we need to make the decision to allow them to influence us.  Allow them to change us.  Yes, this will mean changes which are sometimes difficult, but this is a small price to pay for unspeakably fantastic goals.  In particular, you need to allow yourself to be influenced by Shantideva.  He pulls no punches and if you allow yourself to be influenced by him nothing will ever be the same.  You will leave behind your meaningless worldly life and embark upon a spiritual journey beyond your wildest dreams.

The choice is yours.

 

I dedicate any merit I may have collected from doing this series of posts so that all Kadampas may generate a vajra-like confidence in themselves, their practice, their tradition and our larger purpose.  Our tradition has been reborn into the modern world.  We have been reborn into our vajra family.  Now let us go do what we came here for.

Cultivating true self-confidence: Fulfilling your spiritual destiny

Kadampa Ryan 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden, Cultivating a true self-confidence

This series of posts combines together much of my understanding of what it means to be a Kadampa and how that serves as the basis for an infinite self-confidence.  In the first few posts we learned how to construct a reliable basis for self-confidence:  our virtuous actions, our overcoming of our delusions and our pure potential.  In the subsequent posts, we learned how to practice self-confidence by learning how to wholeheartedly accept everything and everyone, how to embark upon the Bodhisattva’s path by making a vajra commitment to others and how to become a qualified member of the vajra family.

In the next two posts we will talk about where to go from here.  What do we do with all of this?  To answer this question, I will first try explain how all our past spiritual practices over countless previous lives have ripened in the form of this one moment.  Then, in the final post of this series, I will talk about how to fully seize the opportunity we now have.

Understanding how all our past spiritual practices over countless previous lives have ripened in the form of this one moment

How can we understand this? We currently have everything:  We have a precious human life.  We were not born a hell being, we were not born a hungry ghost, we were not born an animal, we were not born a demi-god, we were not born a god, we have all our mental and physical faculties, we live in a country where religion is tolerated, we live in a country where there is the pure Dharma, we live at a time when Tantra is being taught, we have a strong interest in spiritual matters, we have the resources necessary to practice.  We have access to Dharma centers.  We have found a pure spiritual tradition with a robust spiritual community and pure instructions, we have the opportunity ourselves to work to cause the Dharma to flourish and engage in a bodhisattva’s actions.  We have all the books, all the sadhanas, the study programs, a qualified spiritual guide, everything.

None of this happens without a cause.  Essentially all the karma on our mind is negative.  We have spent 99% of our previous lives in the lower realms where we engaged almost exclusively in negative actions.  When we were in the upper realms we rarely if ever engaged in virtue, but instead just burned up our merit.  It is extremely difficult for us to engage in virtue. Look how easy it is for us to get angry versus how hard it is to love somebody else unconditionally without expecting anything in return.  Psychologists estimate that for most humans, it is 9 times easier to generate a negative thought than a positive one.  To create the cause for just a human rebirth, you need to engage in a pure action of moral discipline together with stainless prayer for an upper rebirth.  How often do we do that?  And we are Dharma practitioners.  I did the math once, and karmically speaking a life like this happens roughly only once every 475 trillion lives!

But look at all that we have.  We have created the cause for every single thing we are currently experiencing.  We have been saving up our spiritual pennies for countless lives, and they have all ripened in this life.  Dorje Shugden has caused it all to ripen in this one opportunity.  It is, for all practical purposes, now or never.  Essentially all of our Dharma karma is ripening right now.  If we waste this opportunity, the causes which created it will exhaust themselves and then we will have nothing left.  This should cause our heart to crack open with fear.  If, however, we use this opportunity to the fullest, then we will create the causes to continue and eventually get out.  It is as if we are in a line hundreds of billions of people long, and we are third in line.  Now is not the time to get out of line because we see some shiny object of attachment.

For all practical purposes, our choice at the end of this life is the pure land or hell.  These are basically our only two options at the end of this life.  Why?  If negative karma ripens at the time of our death, we will fall.  What activates negative karma at the time of our death?  If we respond to the death process with delusion and a negative mind, it will activate negative seeds and we will fall.  Right now, when we encounter just the smallest of inconvenience or discomfort we respond with negative minds.  Death is the loss of everything.  Everything will be taken away from us.  We will realize how almost everything we worked for in this life was for naught.  Our body will likely be in pain perhaps from cancer.  Our mental faculties will be dulled, whether it is from old age or all the medicine we will be on.   As we die, there is a good possibility we will feel as if we are suffocating.  If we can’t deal with the check out line at the grocery story without delusion, how will we manage death?

We must not allow the laziness of indolence to cause us to waste this precious opportunity.  We must actively seek out and destroy our delusions, like a resistance fighter living under occupation.  I know a practitioner who calls delusions warlords who have seized control of the field of our mind.  We must not allow objects of attachment to distract us.  Spirits can give you everything to keep you distracted and then at the time of death they reveal themselves saying ‘gotcha’ as you fall into hell having wasted this opportunity.

We need to realize what all you can accomplish with this life.  We can solve all the problems of this life, we can prevent ourself from ever having to fall into the lower realms again, we can permanently wake up from the nightmare of samsara, we can gain all the abilities of a Buddha.  We have a local Dharma center with which right now we can engage in a bodhisattva’s actions.  Through the center we can cause the Dharma to flourish and directly engage in a bodhisattva’s actions.  If all of this didn’t exist, we could only intellectualize about the Dharma.  So what are we going to do with the opportunity we have?

Cultivating true self-confidence: Unity born from being part of the same entity.

Kadampa Ryan 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden, Cultivating a true self-confidence

What is the unity born from being part of the same entity?  Here, we realize that we are all ultimately the same entity.

The correct meaning is we don’t say everything everyone does in the NKT  is perfect, rather we say I can transform everything they do, the good, the bad and the ugly, into something that is perfect for my own practice.  We can learn much more from people’s mistakes than their successes because people generally make many more mistakes than they do things right.  Each mistake we observe teaches us something, so even though it is a mistake in a conventional sense, for us it is perfect for our practice.  When we extend this understanding, we start to see the guru as the synthesis of all three jewels.  We see the Deities of our tradition as our personal Buddha Jewels, we see the books and teachings of our tradition as our family Dharma Jewels, and we will see the teachers and practitioners of our tradition as our close Sangha Jewels.  Since we are teachers and practitioners of the Kadam Dharma, it is correct to say that we are the same entity as the guru.  He gave birth to us and everything we have comes from him.  To see our Sangha as the spiritual guide appearing in the aspect of all Sangha Jewels means to make no distinction between Sangha and Geshe-la.  When we think Geshe-la, we think our Sangha.  When we think our Sangha, we think Geshe-la.  Our relationship with our Sangha is our relationship with Geshe-la, and vice versa.  If our relationship with even one member of the Sangha is not good, then our relationship with one aspect/part of our spiritual guide is not good.  The same logic applies to our relationship with each instruction in the tradition and each deity in our pantheon.  If we extend this view deeply, we come to feel our bodies as being Geshe-la’s body in this world.  Our speech will become Geshe-la’s speech in this world.  Our thoughts will become Geshe-la’s mind in this world.  We are all part of the same entity.   If we have unity born from same entity, we will naturally have unity born from a common view and from this common purpose and being polite and considerate to one another.  In my view, unity born from the same entity is our final goal and what Geshe-la is encouraging us to arrive at.

So what should we do concretely?  We shouldn’t keep our focus just our local center or teacher, but we should try understand how they fit within the larger picture of the tradition (we act locally, but we think globally).  We should try develop relationships with members of our extended vajra family.  For me, for example, my main teachers have been Gen Lekma, Gen Lhamo, Kadam Bjorn, Venerable Tharchin, Gen-la Samden (when he was Gen-la), Gen-la Khyenrab, and Gen-la Dekyong.  I likewise feel very closely connected with Kadam Lucy, Kadam Morten and my dear friend Kadam Olivier.  Spiritually speaking, these people have been my principal spiritual influences.  My home Sangha will always be the Sangha of Santa Barbara in the mid-1990s because that is where I spent my spiritual childhood.  We are almost all still around somewhere.  It was a great group.  The Sangha where I was really a member of a spiritual home is the Sangha of the Suisse Romande (French-speaking Switzerland).  This is when I was with my spiritual family of my own.  They are all each practicing in their own way now.  What I find is I naturally seem to form easy friendships with students of my main influences.  I think we should actively seek to build bridges across the entire vajra family by meeting and developing relationships with those in other parts of the vajra family.  This is why those who go to the festivals year after year feel like they are going back to a family reunion.  Our center, teachers, our courses and our Sangha are simply microcosms of the larger universe of our tradition which we should rely upon entirely as inseparable from the guru Geshe-la, who himself is nothing more than how Je Tsongkhapa is appearing in this world for us.  Because our center is a microcosm we lack nothing and have all we need, but because it is a reflection of a bigger picture, we can have so much more…

 

Cultivating true self-confidence: Uniting with our vajra family

Kadampa Ryan Cultivating a true self-confidence

In the last post in we talked about what is the vajra family and some methods for becoming a qualified member of the vajra family.  Here I continue with some additional ways we can become more qualified.

  1. We need to abandon all attachment to others changing.  Because we have patient acceptance, we find others to be perfect for our practice, just the way they are.  If we have a personal vested interest in the other person changing and we are attached to them doing so, they will reject our advice even if it is exactly the advice they need.  What good is it to be right if nobody will listen?  People will only listen when they trust us, and they will only trust us when they know we are not going to try use them in some way for our own purposes, rather they know we are only there to support them in fulfilling their pure purposes.
  2. We also need to make it a priority to abandon all attachment to any member of our vajra family.  Attachment is the mind that views others as a cause of our own happiness.  Attachment’s sole function is to separate us from the object of our attachment.  In the context of the Vajra family, the means it functions to create divisions and undermine the unity of the Sangha.  Since our relationships together are so important, the stakes are so high, we cannot allow ourselves to allow our attachment towards each other to go unchecked.  How do we deal with this?  We try learn to love each other purely.  Gen-la Dekyong said we do not abandon relationships because there is attachment in them, rather we redouble our efforts to love the other person purely.  The normal distinction we draw between love and attachment is attachment says ‘I love you because you make ME happy’ whereas true love says, ‘I love you, how can I make YOU happy.’  A senior teacher once gave me a very clear test for whether our love for others is pure:  we check whether we are thinking about and working towards the happiness of the other person in their future lives.  If it is, then it is definitely not mixed up with interests of ourself and it is spiritually pure.
  3. We should abandon any attachment to results, individually, as a center or even as a tradition.  It does not matter whether we see any results from our efforts, what matters is that we keep a happy mind of joyful effort.  From joyful effort, good results will always come.
  4. We need to rejoice fully and often in whatever others do do, and not be unhappy about whatever others don’t do.  For others, we need to just ignore what they don’t do and be genuinely grateful for what they do do.  For ourself, we need to accept our weaknesses as weakness – accept that is simply where we are at and we then happily try to do better.  We actively cultivate a feeling like we are all on the same side, the same team with no competition between us.  The success of one is a success of all.
  5. Finally, we should strive to unite with the vajra family.  This last one I would like to elaborate in more detail.

There are four levels of unity with the vajra family:

  1. Unity born from being polite and considerate to one another.  From one perspective, this is very superficial and very external, but it is nonetheless a vital foundation for living harmoniously with your vajra family.  Within any grouping, whether it is at work or at home or in a center, we should strive to meet all of the group expectations without anybody having to ask us to do so.  We should always make a point of imposing zero cost on others and always give much more to the community than we ask of it.  And above all, we need to never get angry at anyone – ever.  If we do, we should sincerely apologize as soon as we have returned to a space where we can admit our mistakes.
  2. Unity born from a common purpose.  We all share the same common purpose of wishing to liberate all living beings from samsara and lead them to enlightenment.  We will each do this in our own way, but we all share the same purpose.  Our purpose is necessary non-worldly.  A fully qualified member of the vajra family will leave behind worldly conceptions, concerns and goals.  We have nothing to accomplish in a worldly sense, but are focused exclusively on the accomplishment of spiritual goals.  Worldly conceptions means viewing others or situations in a worldly way.  We view everyone as Dakas and Dakinis and everything as the magical dance of Dorje Shugden.  Worldly concerns themselves are the 8 worldly concerns.  We are not interested in these, but only interested in creating good causes for ourselves and others.  If we have unity of a common purpose, we will naturally be polite and considerate to one another because we understand we are all ‘members of the same family.’
  3. Unity born from a common view.  A common view is attained when we discuss the Dharma, debate it and so forth amongst each other until we arrive at a commonly held view.  We aggressively try address and work through all differences of view (as opposed to sweep them under the rug).  By doing so, we all eventually come to the same final conclusions.  This is one of the essential purposes of the different International Teacher Training Programs (the other being building strong karmic bonds of relationship with the other teachers, which serves as a karmic net holding the global tradition together).  This is when everyone gets together and has these discussions.   Since purpose derives from view, if we have a unity born from a common view, we will necessarily have unity born from a common purpose.

The fourth level of unity, the unity of being part of the same entity, I will explain in the next post in this series.