Not acting in accordance with the inclinations of others. 

When relating to others we should try to please them by conforming with their wishes whenever possible, unless of course their wishes are wrong and would lead to great suffering.  If we ignore the wishes of others without a good reason, we incur a secondary downfall.

As a general rule, we are here to serve.  Everything we do should be reduced to this basic practice.  In fact, there are no exceptions to it.  However, how we serve must be informed by a wisdom which understands what is actually helpful to the other person.  It has been discussed in earlier posts some of the circumstances under which “helping” somebody is actually doing them a disservice.  We need wisdom.

In the end, the test is very simple:  if other’s inclinations are harmful to themselves or to others, we should not go along with them.  If other’s inclinations are good, or at least neutral, then we should go along with them.  Often, of course, we don’t know, so we do our best and learn from our mistakes.  Where things can grow complicated is when our decisions and actions affect more than one person.  Very often people’s wishes and inclinations are in conflict with one another, so by going along with one person we are often going against somebody else.  So what should we do in such situations?  Quite simply, we try to maximize the aggregate benefit taking everybody concerned as equally important.  So we need to take the time to consider how our actions or decisions will affect everybody involved, and even if there will be some people who are made worse off, if more people are made even better off then we go forward.  Again, we never know for sure and so we need to be open to learn from our mistakes.

Ideally, of course, we should try find some third way that leaves everybody at least “no worse off” due to our decisions.  For example, if the gains from a decision truly outweigh the losses, then it should almost always be possible to transfer some of the gains to those who are made worse off so that at a minimum they are made “no worse off” after your transfer of gains than they would be if you never made your decision in the first place. 

Not praising the good qualities of others. 

We should rejoice and praise the good qualities of others.  If motivated by delusion we do not do so, we incur a secondary downfall.

Venerable Tharchin says just as our rejoicing in others’ good qualities creates the causes for us to acquire those good qualities ourself, so too criticizing others for their apparent faults creates the causes for us to acquire those same faults ourselves.  So quite literally, we are sabotaging ourself. 

Praising and rejoicing in others’ good qualities is by far the easiest way to acquire such qualities ourself.  How hard is it really to see good qualities in others and praise them for it?  Yet we almost never do so.  Most of the time our self-absorption is so extreme that we simply don’t see anything outside of ourself – we are too busy looking at ourself.  Most of the time our pride is so extreme that we simply don’t see any good qualities in anybody other than ourself.  When others praise somebody else, our mind immediately generates a “yes, but they also have … fault.”  These are terribly counter-productive habits. 

Instead, rejoicing in others good qualities helps inspire us to adopt them ourselves.  It makes the other person feel good about themselves and encourages them to continue their good deeds.  Our praising sets a good example of how we should relate to one another, thus helping change the inter-personal dynamics of all those around us.  Only good comes from it. 

As always, we need to be skillful with this.  Our praising should be legitimate – praising somebody for qualities they do not possess often is taken as shallow, contrived, or even manipulative.  It should also not be exaggerated because otherwise it will not be believed.  Our praising should also be free from any selfish concern – praising our boss, even if merited, with the intention of personal advancement is not Dharma, it is brown-nosing.  Likewise, we should be mindful to not create jealousy in others.  Sometimes we praise publicly, but if doing so will cause somebody else to become jealous, etc., then we should pick our time, place, and method accordingly.  We should also try have our praise be widespread.  The bottom line is everybody has good qualities and everybody has something they can teach us.  Find this in them, praise them for it, learn from them, and be grateful to them.  In many ways, pride is the worst delusion.  If we have every delusion, but we remain humble, we can learn from others and eventually overcome all our faults.  But if we have pride, we feel we have nothing to learn from others, and this closes the door to changing anything.  Systematically praising others breaks down our pride like no other method.  It softens our heart, opens our mind, and allows personal transformation to take place.

If we have disciples, we must help them by guiding them along the path, as far as we are able to, provide them with whatever they need for their Dharma practice, and take special care of our faithful disciples.

Even if we are not a formal Dharma teacher, there may arise within this lifetime some people with whom we have a karmic relationship of providing them with spiritual advice that they are happy to receive.  Even though it would be wholly culturally inappropriate to refer to these people as “our disciples” we can nonetheless consider them as such – or at least consider them a similitude of such.  Ultimately, if we have bodhichitta, we view all beings as our future disciples because we have made the promise to assume personal responsibility to eventually lead them to freedom.  We view and relate to our spouse and kids differently than we do somebody on the street largely due to our imputing them as our spouse and kids.  Other than this imputation, there is no particular reason for us to think of them any differently than we do anybody else.  In the same way, if we impute “future disciple” onto all living beings, it completely reorganizes our mental outlook towards all them.  We start to view the present manifestation of our relationship with them in a much larger context of us eventually leading them to liberation and enlightenment.  When we know where we are going with a relationship, we know how to act in that relationship.

It goes without saying that we don’t go around and tell everyone that “their savior has arrived, and it is me!”  Such an approach would quickly cause them to flee in terror and land us in a mental hospital.  But internally, we should assume this mantle and strive to live up to its mandate.  Just as viewing all beings as our mother or as our children functions to ripen our virtuous qualities and actions towards them, so too viewing all beings as our special disciples ripens our mind and our relationship with them in special ways. 

Depending on our karma, we all have more or less a certain degree of karmic responsibility for others. For example, our kids, our employees, our close friends, our family, etc. The beating heart of bodhichitta is the mind of “superior intention,” a mind which assumes personal responsibility for the eventual liberation of somebody else. These are the people we are responsible for. In the beginning, it might not be many, but as our bodhichitta expands and becomes more qualified, quite naturally more and more people will fall under our care. Our ability to help them depends upon (1) us having useful realizations/experience to share with them, and (2) the quality of our relationship with them. So practically speaking, we work on improving both. Some people will be with us for our whole life and others only for a short while, but in any case, we do everything we can so that their interaction with us functions to bend the trajectory of their mental continuum in the direction of enlightenment. 

Venerable Tharchin says, “for every step we take towards enlightenment, we bring all living beings with us in dependence upon their karmic relationship with us.” This makes sense – if we are headed straight for enlightenment and others travel along side of us, even if only for a short while, they too are heading towards enlightenment – even if they don’t realize how it is so. 

Venerable Tharchin also explains that those who serve as the basis of our bodhichitta will be among the first ones we liberate when we ourselves become a Buddha. This also makes sense because when we generate the wish to become a Buddha for certain people, this pure karmic action will naturally ripen in a way that it becomes a reality.

Of course, none of this may happen in this lifetime. We do the best we can, bringing people along as best we can, but we accept that this is a work that will span many lifetimes. Nonetheless, from our side, we have the mind of the person who has come back for them and who, if they are willing, will see them to safety. If we are currently a teacher, obviously this vow has particular importance for guiding our relationship with our students.  If we were a teacher but are no longer, our responsibility towards our former students never ceases.  We never know when they may contact us for help, even if they abandoned the Dharma long ago.  We always stand ready to help, and they should know our door will always be open to them.  The bonds of family are for life, the bonds of Sangha are forever

When beggars or others in need of our charity approach us, we must try to give them something.  If we refuse for some invalid reason other than miserliness (which is a root downfall) we incur a secondary downfall.

If we live in a city, this is probably something we do all the time.  We see others begging in the streets, we judge them in some way with some ridiculous internal comment like “get a job” (as if it were that easy), we come up with some internal justification about how they are going to just spend it on alcohol or drugs anyways, and besides our giving just encourages them to continue to be lazy, so we don’t give.  Or we say, “the government where I live already provides for them, so I don’t need to do anything extra.  I am a taxpayer, after all.”  Or perhaps we just don’t give them a second thought and keep on going. 

Years ago, when Geshe-la would send Gen-la Losang to India to learn certain things, such as how to build the mandalas we now find in our temples, he would always give Losang change so he could hand it out to the beggars.  We should do the same with our kids.  The worst thing we can teach to our kids is indifference to the suffering of others, and every time we walk by without helping that is exactly what we are teaching. Even if nobody is looking, we should still make an effort to give something to help.  Venerable Tharchin explains that it does not matter how much we give, what matters is how frequently we generate the mind of giving.  If you have only one dollar to give away, it is better to give one penny one hundred times than one dollar once.  If we have no money to give, we can still give people our love and respect.  Imagine how hard it is to live on the streets, imagine how many people walk by considering beggars to be scum.  We can give people a smile, we can give people understanding, we can show them some respect, and we can give them encouragement.  We can also give people our time.  Stop, and ask them to tell you their story.  Listen to it, learn from it, and respect their struggles.  Yes, they will expect some money, but so what – give it to them. 

If we live in a democratic country, we should elect leaders who actually care about the poor and are willing to do something to help them.  Jimmy Carter once said, “if you don’t want your tax dollars helping the poor, then stop saying you want a country based on Christian values, because you don’t!”  We live in incredibly unequal times. In America, the top 1% owns more than 40% of national wealth, and the bottom 80% owns less than 10%.  Europe and Canada are slightly better, but the rest of the world is more like America.  It is true, going to the extreme of Communism would be a mistake, but surely protecting people from abject poverty is not that.  There are many studies done which show it is actually cheaper on society to give the homeless shelter and help them get on their feet than it is to leave them homeless.  When you add up the costs of policing, crime, mental institutions, prisons, loss of value due to urban blight, etc., it is simply cheaper to do the right thing.  Of course we don’t mix Dharma and politics, but this does not mean we cannot use Dharma values to influence our political actions, such as voting.  There is no contradiction between a Kadampa not mixing Dharma and politics and them nonetheless engaging in political advocacy for causes they believe in.  Democratic citizenship is part of modern society, and if we are to attain the union of Kadampa Buddhism and modern life we need to learn how to unite the two without mixing the two.  Just avoiding all political action or thought is not the middle way.  If we can vote for those who will help and we fail to do so, then it does not seem a stretch to say we are perhaps committing this downfall.  Perhaps I am wrong, but it is something to think about.

Not returning help to those who benefit us. 

If we completely forget the kindness of others and have no intention to repay them, we incur a secondary downfall.

The reality is this:  most of us are so self-absorbed that we don’t even realize all the different ways people provide us benefit, much less think to bother to repay their kindness.  When others are kind to us and we don’t even acknowledge it, they then can come to regret their kindness or at the least be less willing to help again in the future.  This helps neither them nor us.

The first step, therefore, in avoiding this downfall is to take the time to recall others’ kindness.  This is not something we do just once every 21 days when this meditation comes up in our lamrim cycle, but it is something we need to make a constant reflex.  Every time something comes our way, we “see” all the kindness that brought it to us.  If we see others’ kindness, the wish to repay it will naturally arise.

The second step is we need to realize nobody owes us anything.  The reason why we most often take for granted others’ kindness is we “expect” them to give it.  For example, with our parents, because we “expect” them to provide us with certain things, when they do provide us we consider it to be “normal” and so therefore we feel no gratitude.  In fact, we usually have nearly unlimited expectations of what they are supposed to do for us that no matter how much they do, they always fall short in our eyes.  Instead of being grateful for what they do do, we judge them for what they don’t do.  To be blunt, we are nothing but spoiled brats when we do this.  We may feel we are “justified” in having these expectations of them because they are cultural norms, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is nonetheless kind that they abide by them – even if imperfectly.  We have similar attitudes towards our teachers, our friends, our bosses – even others on the road or in the supermarket checkout line.  In all cases, such projected expectations are completely wrong.

Gen-la Losang advises we should “expect nothing from anyone ever.”  If we expect everything and others do something, we are disappointed and frustrated.  If we expect nothing and others do something, we are surprised and delighted, and thus naturally feel grateful.  If we expect nothing from anyone ever, then no matter what people do, it will exceed our expectations, and thus we will naturally feel grateful to them.

But it is not enough to just feel grateful, we need to repay others’ kindness towards us.  We need to look for opportunities to do so, not just passively wait for them to ask us for our help.  When they do ask, we should do so eagerly, not grudgingly.  We are even grateful that they give us a chance to repay their kindness.  I had a friend once who helped me out tremendously.  Many years later, I told this person what a positive effect they had had on my life and a I asked him what I could do to repay his kindness.  His answer was, “do the same for somebody else.  And if they later ask you how they can repay you back, give the same answer.  In this way, the kindness keeps going.”  I find this the most perfect answer.

Not relieving the distress of others. 

If we meet people who are beset with grief and have the opportunity to comfort them and yet do nothing, we incur a secondary downfall.

This downfall is really the mirror image of the earlier downfall about not helping others when we can do so.  Here, we are focused on relieving others of their suffering (acting on our compassion) as opposed to helping them in some way (acting on our love).  Ultimately, these are two sides of the same coin.

But once again, we need to be skillful.  We cannot approach others with our KadampaMan cape on with a “your savoir has arrived” attitude!  The best help is that given anonymously.  When we help others with some expectation for something in return, it destroys the virtue of our help and makes the person not want to accept our help for fear of later being obliged to us in some way.  We should also let go of any individual need for the person to change.  Very often we develop an aversion to deluded people and their actions, and our “helping them” is actually us trying to get them to stop their bothersome behavior.  They of course are not stupid, sense our selfish motivation, and therefore reject our help and advice.  Paradoxically, it is because we want others to change for the better that we have to completely let go of any need for them to do so.  Instead, we should think their deluded attitude serves us just fine because it gives us an opportunity to practice.  If they change, good for them; but from our side, we have no need for them to do so.

If there are people who habitually engage in behavior that directly or indirectly harms themselves or others and we have the opportunity skillfully to help them overcome their habits, we should do so.  If we cannot help them directly we should at least pray for them.  If we do nothing, we incur a downfall.  This differs from the 16^th which concerns heavy negative actions.

Most of the time people will respond negatively to us telling them what they shouldn’t be doing, so unless the other person respects us and we think they value our opinion or intervention, it is usually best to not say anything directly.  When we feel we are judged, how do we respond?  We begin all sorts of self-justifications and we try establish why the other person is wrong.  So their “saying something” actually just serves to cause us to grasp even more tightly to our wrong views and to reject the very advice we are receiving.  So we need to be skillful. Nobody has asked us to get on our soap box and tell everybody else why they are wrong.  The Dharma should be used as a mirror for better seeing our own faults, not a magnifying glass for highlighting others’ faults. 

But this does not mean we do nothing.  In addition to praying, Venerable Tharchin says we should “own others’ faults as our own.”  His meaning is whenever we perceive a fault or bad habit in somebody else, we should recall that they are a karmic reflection of our own mind and karma.  We then find within ourself where we have that same fault (or some variant thereof) and then purge it like bad blood.  When we do so, we then show the best possible example of somebody freeing themselves from that person’s particular fault and we ourselves become less faulty.  He went on to say that if we remove the fault from ourself, “almost miraculously” the fault will begin to disappear from the other person.  The reason for this is obvious – they are a reflection of our own mind anyways. 

If the other person does have some respect for us, then it is usually best to just ask questions like, “is that a wise thing to do?”  It is far better for people to reason for themselves why what they are doing is wrong than to be told so.  We should also not say anything in front of other people, because then it introduces all sorts of unnecessary concerns about them losing face, etc.  If they are asking us to go along with their wrong course of action, we can politely refuse without casting any judgment on them doing so.  Often when people realize they are alone in their negativity, they stop.  On rare occasions, we can say something directly, but when we do so we should keep our message aimed at our view without projecting it onto the other person.  Something like, “in my view, that is a bad idea” or “it seems to me you are just harming yourself by continuing to do this.”  This leaves people free to take on board our view or not.  The irony is it is because we want people to change their view that we must give them the choice to not do so.  If we impose our view onto them, we almost invariably invite rebellion.  If we are in a position of authority over somebody, such as being a parent or a boss, then we should not hesitate if it is appropriate for us to remove the possibility of somebody harming themselves with their bad habits.  You don’t leave knives out with little children and you do what you can to create an environment in which they can make correct choices.

If somebody does come to you asking for advice for how to change their bad habit, we should of course help in every way we can.  But we should avoid the mistake of “overdoing it.”  As a general rule of thumb, we should give people slightly less than what they are asking for.  This creates the cause for them to ask for more.  If instead we smother them with all our “help,” they just push us away.  Kadam Lucy gives the example of a mother bird feeding their baby birds.  Give them just enough, but not too much.  In giving advice, it is usually best to just relate personal stories that are somewhat analogous to the person’s situation without you directly applying the conclusion of the story to their situation.  Let them make that final connection and then they will own the conclusion as their own.  Or you can explain “general principles when thinking about questions such as this” and then let them apply those principles in whatever way seems most appropriate to them.  Above all, we should completely let go of any judgment of the other person and any attachment to them taking any particular course of action, especially following our advice.  When we are attached to the other person changing, we are actually creating obstacles to them doing so.  Instead, we need to have no personal need for the person to change in any way.  If we have attachment to them changing, people will know we have an ulterior motive for our advice and they will reject it on those grounds alone – even if it is exactly the advice they need to hear.

Whenever we see another suffering living being, we should feel compassion and consider how we can help them.  If we are unable to be of any practical assistance, we should at least pray for them.  If we do nothing, we incur a secondary downfall.

We are normally so busy that we don’t even notice other’s problems, much less stop to help.  If there is something we can do to help and we fail to do so without a good reason, we are in effect abandoning others to their suffering.  Would we want to be treated in the same way?  Karmically speaking, every person we see is a future emanation of ourself.  By helping them now, we are karmically helping ourselves in the future when we face a similar problem.  By abandoning others now, we are karmically abandoning ourself in the future.  Who in life are we the most grateful towards?  Surely it is those who were there for us when nobody else was.  Venerable Tharchin explains our ability to help others depends on two things:  first, we have some useful realizations to share; and second, the closeness of our karmic connection with the person.  By being there for others in their hour of greatest need, we build very deep and very pure karmic bonds with them.  We may not be able to give them Dharma now, but if we dedicate appropriately the day will come in this life or a future one, where we will be able to use our close relationship with them to help them along the path.

We may look at our life and say we don’t have many opportunities to really help others.  But Venerable Tharchin explains that our desire to help and the opportunities to do so are mutually dependent.  In other words, it is by maintaining a constant desire to help that we create the karmic causes to have opportunities to do so.  If we do not currently have many opportunities to actually help others, we can generate the constant wish to be of greatest possible service to others.  In dependence upon this wish, our karma will be reorganized and opportunities will begin to appear.  This desire to help also gives us special wisdom eyes to see opportunities where before we saw none. 

Ultimately, though, the best way we can help others is through our prayers.  Many people come into the Kadampa path in rejection of the touchy-feely sides of other religions, especially this whole prayer thing which strikes as superstition.  It says in many sadhanas, “Through the force of my intention, through the force of the blessings of the Tathagatas, and Through the force of the truth of all phenomena, may any suitable purpose that I wish to come about be accomplished without obstruction.”  This verse explains the power of prayer.

“Through the force of my intention” means our intention for praying is a spiritual one.  At a minimum, it means we pray for the sake of the other person, not for selfish reasons.  The highest intention is great compassion and bodhichitta, wishing that the person be free from all suffering.  But that does not mean a lesser spiritual intention is wrong.  If we see somebody who often gets angry, we can remind ourself that they are constantly creating the causes to be reborn in hell.  Wishing to protect them from such a fate we can pray that they learn to control their anger and find their patient acceptance.  “Through the force of the blessings of the Tathagatas” means the way in which our prayers are accomplished is through the power of the blessings of the Buddhas.  From our own side, of course, we have no power to bless other’s minds.  But we are able to pray to the Buddhas to bless others minds for us.  In dependence upon our faith in the Buddha and our karmic relationship with the person we are praying for, the Buddhas can bless their mind.  Even if they themselves have little karma with the Buddhas, our karma can serve as a bridge into their mind.  What is a blessing?  A blessing is the ripening of a karmic seed within the mind of a living being that functions to send that mind in the direction of enlightenment.  The difficult external situation may remain, but the mind of the person experiencing it will move in response towards enlightenment.

“Through the force of the truth of all phenomena” means emptiness.  It is emptiness that makes the power of prayer possible.  Ultimately, it is all dream.  Others do not exist separately from our mind, the Buddhas do not exist separately from our mind and what we pray for does not exist separately from our mind.  All are equally part of the dream.  When we grasp at others as being separate from us, or we grasp at the Buddhas as being separate from us, then it is quite natural to think prayers cannot work and are just superstitious happy thought.  But when we understand the equal emptiness of the other person, the Buddha, the blessings, and our prayer then all is possible.  Nagarjuna said, “for whom emptiness is possible, everything is possible.”  In fact, the more we understand emptiness the more we realize prayer is simply the most effective way possible of accomplishing anything – arguably it is the only way possible.  In any case, it is clear that external methods have no power to alter the mind of another, so externally we do what we can to improve the external situation, and internally we pray to help improve the internal situation.

“May any suitable purpose that I wish to come about” means our prayers must be informed by wisdom of what is in fact suitable.  Many people mistakenly pray for specific external outcomes, such as good grades or a better job, and then lose faith when those outcomes do not materialize.  This happens in all religious traditions.  Suitable prayer is prayer conjoined with the humility that we might not know what is in fact best.  Perhaps the external hardship is exactly what the person needs to fundamentally alter the trajectory of their mental continuum.  So we pray, “please arrange whatever is best” and we pray, “please bless their mind so that this experience becomes a cause of their enlightenment.”  Such prayers open up the possibility for the external situation to remain exactly the same.  If it does, then we know it is “for the best” and we can accept it as such.  Our acceptance then helps the other person likewise accept their circumstance.  Acceptance and suffering are opposites – the more we accept, the less we suffer.  We suffer only because we do not accept. 

“Be accomplished without obstruction” is fairly self-explanatory, but has a deep meaning.  Obviously the meaning is that the prayer be fulfilled easily and fully, but the deeper meaning is the only thing that obstructs this from happening are “delusion obstructions” and “karmic obstructions.”  So implicitly, this is praying that the mind of the person be free from all delusions and that any karma that stands in the way of the fulfillment of the prayer be quickly purified.

If we understand the above, we understand how prayer works.  Such understanding gives us great confidence that prayers do work.  The teachings on karma say “if the cause is created, the effect is guaranteed.”  The above explains how to create the proper causes, so if we pray in a qualified way the effects of our prayers are guaranteed.  The only thing we do not know is the timing.  It may be years, or even lifetimes, before the prayer will be answered.  This is not a problem for us because we know for a fact that it is coming and that our prayer will definitely help.  With each additional prayer we add, we build up karmic force for the outcome to happen.

Downfalls that obstruct the moral discipline of benefiting others

Not going to the assistance of those in need. 

If someone asks for our help, or we realize that they hope for it, and we are in a position to help them and yet, out of laziness or some other delusion, we do not go to their assistance we incur a secondary downfall.  In short, we should try assist others in whatever way we can.

Quite simply, this downfall says if we can help somebody and we don’t, then we incur a downfall.  Obviously, if we have a good reason for not helping, then this is not the case.  But generally speaking, we help others in every way we can.  In reality, the Kadampa path is very simple:  during meditation, we improve our inner qualities; outside of meditation, we serve others.  There is nothing else we need do.  Everything we do, one way or another, should be part of our practice of serving others. 

It is important to note, however, that sometimes helping people doesn’t actually help them.  If somebody out of laziness is manipulating us to do their work for them, then obliging them doesn’t help.  If somebody is confronted with some personal life challenge and absent our help they would do what is required of them and they grow from the effort, then helping them doesn’t actually help them.  If people know that if they make mistakes of create problems for themselves we will always be there to clean up their mess for them, then we are in effect encouraging them to engage in reckless behavior and are, again, not helping them.  If our kids are learning how to do things and we do it for them because it is just easier and quicker to do so, then we are actually not helping them.  We need wisdom to know when we are helping and when we are not helping them by helping them.  We will make mistakes along the way, but if we always request wisdom blessings to know what is the best way to help others, gradually over time we will become increasingly skilled.  Then, even our not helping others directly becomes an aspect of our serving them. 

Neglecting to take care of the sick. 

If we show no concern for sick people or animals whom we encounter and do not do our best to help them, we incur a secondary downfall.

Often times people will ask what is a good job for a Kadampa.  In my view, of course, any job is equally empty so any job can be equally transformed.  But with that being said, any job that is aimed at helping alleviate in some way the basic sufferings of samsara is a good one.  These basic sufferings are:  birth, sickness, ageing, death, being separated from what you like, having to encounter what you do not like and failing to fulfill your desires.  In this light, four of these are directly related to the medical profession in some way.  Being an assistant, nurse, or doctor, therefore, seems to be a natural job for a Kadampa.  I know somebody who helps really old people in their homes.  Every day they are confronted with the truth of ageing, and it does wonders for this person’s renunciation and compassion.  It is not emotionally or physically easy work, but it is a constant spiritual lesson.  I have another dear friend who helps people die in peace.  Wonderful.

We do not have to become a medical professional to go to the aid of the sick and dying.  Through the course of our life, the people around us will one by one get sick, get old, and die.  We should make a point of being that somebody who does more than the minimum culturally expected.  Do something extra.  Be there when everyone else has moved on.  Let them know you care for them.  Above all, pray.  Pray that they be healed; but more importantly pray that their sufferings become powerful causes of their enlightenment.  Some sickness will eventually kill us all, but each sickness is an opportunity to find the truth of the spiritual path. 

I find that most of society lives in total denial about samsara’s real nature, but when we are struck with some of its sufferings there is no longer scope for such denial.  It is then that it all makes sense.  It is amazing how the death of a mutual friend helps cut through the nonsense that clouds so many relationships.

When we ourselves are sick in the hospital, don’t wallow in self-pity.  Become a light where there is none.  Reach out to your fellow patients, listen to their stories, let them know you care.  Perhaps there is a reason why you have found yourself in the hospital with them at the same time.  Again, above all, pray for them.  In reality, we are all on our death bed.  Live your life now as if it was so.