4. Practicing in Daily Life

How to Welcome the Worst Case Scenarios

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life, 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden , , , ,

Sometimes we worry about worst case scenarios; and sometimes even, the worst case scenario comes to pass. How can we learn to be mentally at peace with this? For me, I think the key to avoiding such worry about the future or despondency when adversity actually strikes is the practice of patient acceptance. This, for me, is the main point of the book How to Solve our Human Problems.

When things go badly in our life, most people will tell us something like, “this too will pass” or try give us some sort of hope that things will externally get better.

This may reassure us some, but such ways of thinking often leave us still worried that things might not improve and we think we can’t be happy if they don’t. Our mind is still attached to things being a certain way externally for us to be happy. But when we have a mind of patient acceptance towards the possibility that things could remain bad (or even get worse), we know how to keep our mind at peace with respect to the possibility that things remain as they are, then we can let go of that worry. In other words, we will know how to be happy if things improve and how to still be happy if they do not.

How can we get ourself to that point? The key for me is realizing how the difficult situation is in fact perfect for my Dharma practice. If I know how to transform the difficult situation (or the possible arising of my worst fears) into the path, then I will begin to understand Shantideva’s perspective that “suffering has many good qualities.” It still sucks from the perspective of my worldly concerns, but it is great with respect to my spiritual aspirations to purify my negative karma, generate authentic renunciation and bodhichitta, and even train in tantric pure view with respect to what would otherwise be considered awful circumstances.

Our training in Lojong – specifically the teachings from Universal Compassion and Eight Steps to Happiness – will give us the tools we need to transform our suffering into rocket fuel for our swiftest possible enlightenment.

To help gain this ability, I think it is foundational to surrender our lives completely to Dorje Shugden’s care. His job is to arrange all the outer and inner conditions necessary for our swiftest possible enlightenment. At one level, he does this through helping control what karma ripens (and what karma doesn’t) so that whatever happens is what we need next for our spiritual training, but at a more profound level he grants us the wisdom blessings to see and understand how what has happened (or what horrible thing could possibly happen) – no matter how terrible it might be – is in fact perfect for our spiritual development.

But this only works if our aspiration for spiritual development is stronger than our worldly concerns for a pleasant, easy life. If we still want a pleasant, easy life MORE than we want spiritual growth, then we may see how our present difficult circumstances (or even our feared worst case scenario) would be perfect for our spiritual training, but we don’t care! We want life to be good!

To address this problem, we need a deep and consistent practice of Sutra Lamrim. Sutra Lamrim (Joyful Path of Good Fortune, Meditation Handbook, etc.) primarily functions to change our aspirations from worldly ones to spiritual ones – generating greater concern for our own and others well being in our countless future lives than our concern for this life alone.

In short, when we have a deep and stable practice of Lamrim, then our spiritual desires are greater than our worldly ones, so when we receive Dorje Shugden’s wisdom blessings helping us see how our difficult situation – or the worst case scenarios we worry about – are in fact perfect for our spiritual development, we will no longer fear the worst but have the ability to be at peace with the possibility it could happen. We may even perhaps relish the possibility of it happening because we know such challenges will push us to attain enlightenment even more swiftly.

Then, we can be at peace with the possibility things get better and with the possibility that things might stay bad or even get worse.

In other words, we will know and have the ability to be happy all the time, no matter how bad things might get. Exactly what Venerable Geshe-la has promised us.

On Overcoming the Final Hurdles for Generating Bodhichitta in Our Heart

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life, 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden

It doesn’t have to be hard. I guess for me what makes it hard is my attachment to those I love being OK – I’m OK when they are OK, I’m not OK (my inner peace is disturbed) when they are not OK.

What has happened is I now mostly just cherish the happiness of those I love and am mostly working for their benefit, but then I see both them suffering a lot and that I’m quite limited in how I can help. But since I’m attached to their well-being (I think my happiness depends upon them being OK), their suffering has turned into my suffering and worry – like a mother who always worries about her children, and sometimes when their suffering is great, it tears her apart or breaks her.

Intellectually, I understand what I need to do.

First, I need to let go of my attachment to them being OK (not suffering) without falling into an indifference towards their plight. I need to be able to keep my deep concern, but not have it disturb my inner peace when they suffer.

Second, I need to accept (become at peace with the fact) that at present there is very little I can do to change the fundamental trajectory of things for them, in the short-term at least. Part of bodhichitta is realizing that at present we don’t have the ability to really help them with their deep sufferings (maybe we can help some with their manifest suffering, but not so much with their changing and pervasive suffering, or the fact that they are trapped in a cycle of uncontrolled rebirth). Once this truth touches my heart, it becomes “unbearable.” The gap between how much I would want to help and how much I can actually do so becomes unbearable.

Third, I need to channel this unbearability into bodhichitta. I can’t at present do much, but a Buddha can. Only if I become a Buddha will I have the wisdom, skillful means, and ability to be there for them every moment, in life after life, for as long as it takes. I want to be able to, at least in my heart, say to those I love what VGL has told us, “I will be with you always. I will never forget you, I’m always working with you. Please do not forget me.” I then use this wish to channel the feelings of unbearability into a qualified and powerful bodhichitta.

But then fourth, I need to overcome my doubts about whether it is even possible to become a Buddha, whether our teachings are indeed scientific methods that can take me to that state, and whether I even have the ability to do what it takes for long enough to accomplish these goals – or at least get far enough along the spiritual path in this life to ensure I can continue with it in my next life, and so on without interruption until I can accomplish these lofty spiritual goals.

I know intellectually what I need to do, but the “hard” part is bringing it into my heart. It forces me to confront these different levels of subtle delusions in my heart. At each stage there are different pitfalls and deep-seated delusions to work through – most of them rooted in my attachment to them being OK, my impatience for quick results, and my doubts about myself and the path. Working through these is how we actually enter the Mahayana.

We actually enter the Mahayana path when we generate spontaneous bodhichitta. Once we do, our enlightenment becomes inevitable and unstoppable. But to get to spontaneous bodhichitta, we first need to generate a qualified, in our heart, bodhichitta even for just a moment. Working through the four final hurdles above is how we do that. It seems these are the final steps we need to take in our heart to get to the actual precious mind of bodhichitta. Once we get to it once, we then do so again and again and again, until it becomes our new habit of our heart. We then gradually build up more and more momentum until it becomes present all the time.

For that to happen, we need to train in concentration. Technically speaking, to actually enter the Mahayana (by generating spontaneous bodhichitta), we need the mind of tranquil abiding. That too seems so far off from where I’m at. I’m also getting older, which will make it harder. I’m running out of time. But it seems most of the instructions of the Ganden Oral Lineage explain that if we can get to the fourth mental abiding on our main objects that’s good enough to get the train started with enough irreversible momentum that we will eventually get to the fully qualified minds. That seems doable.

But it all starts with those initial experiences in the heart of an authentic bodhichitta. To get there, we have to work through the four things explained above. Once we can do it once, we then know it is possible. So really, from a practical point of view, we enter the Mahayana when we generate for the first time in our heart an authentic bodhichitta.

But bodhichitta is this feeling for the sake of all living beings, not just the small circle of people we currently feel heart-felt love for. So we first need to generate a qualified bodhichitta for a few people, and then we gradually expand that until it encompasses all living beings.

I feel like the challenges I have faced the last several years are all forcing me to actually make these steps in my heart. This is quite different, much more subtle and difficult, than intellectually understanding what I need to do. But I do feel I’m starting to get there. It’s been hard, but I’m starting to feel it coming together in my heart. I’m not there yet, but I am starting to see the landing zone.

Dorje Shugden, Venerable Geshe-la, Guru Sumati Buddha Heruka, please help me to do this. May I never waver until I attain the final goal.

Unclogging our Spiritual Pipes:

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life

One of our biggest obstacles to developing bodhichitta is we don’t really believe we can become a Buddha. Maybe others can, but not us. Maybe nobody can and all this Dharma stuff is a big scam. Such doubts may lurk within our mind and we’d be wise to dig them up and work through them. Pretending they are not there will not help us.

Without this confidence that we actually can become a Buddha, when we consider the full magnitude of others suffering and see there is nothing much we can do to help, we can quickly become despondent and then overwhelmed by it all.

Knowing this, we then hold ourselves back from considering their suffering, both in this life and their future lives, because we feel it will just be too much.

This in turn filters further down into a reluctance to actually change the object of our cherishing from self to others. Best we just accept everyone else is going to suffer and try save ourselves, or at least eke out a little bit of mental peace.

Therefore, it is vitally important that we confront our doubts about our ability to attain enlightenment – including whether such a thing is really possible. If we allow these doubts to remain, it will clog the spiritual pipes of everything that comes before it.

How can we overcome these doubts? Fundamentally, it comes down to believing in the methods we have received, believing in our pure potential, and believing in the laws of karma.

We have the same methods all the previous Buddhas had, the only difference between us is they applied enough effort and we haven’t yet. But the methods themselves are scientific methods that work for all who put them into practice.

We can believe in our pure potential because, first, we do have many examples of having successfully changed ourself with small things. If we can do so with some things, we can, with sufficient effort, do so with everything. And because second, everything – including ourself – is empty, mere constructions of our mind. This can be proven directly through our own investigation. Descartes said “I think, therefore I am.” The Kadampa corollary to this is, “I can change how I think, therefore I can change who I am.”

And we can have confidence in the laws of karma because everything points to them being true and because enlightened beings – those who have completed the path – have verified for us with their omniscient minds that they are true. If we create the necessary causes to attain enlightenment, the result is definite.

When we believe we have methods that can actually take us there, the ability to change ourselves and ripen fully our pure potential, and unwavering conviction that if we never give up creating the causes for it, we will get there in the end, then we will believe – in our heart – that we can actually do it. More than that, we will know we can. This is wisdom.

But then there is one last obstacle we will need to unclog and that is our attachment to immediate results – both for ourself and for others. Even with the Ganden Oral Lineage instructions, it is going to take time, possibly a long time, before we get there. During that time, we will suffer and all those we love will continue to suffer. We need a patience that can accept these realities, but knows eventually we will get there and we will help all those we love do the same.

Once this final obstacle is removed, then every suffering we encounter both for ourself and for others gets channeled into a powerful bodhichitta. Since samsara is the nature of suffering, this means our samsaric experience itself – every moment of it – becomes a cause of our enlightenment. As this becomes our new mental habit, we start to pick up spiritual momentum until we feel ourselves charging down the path like a locomotive, with all living beings in tow. Nothing will stop us from reaching the city of enlightenment and bringing all those we hold dear to the same final destination.

How wonderful!

Understanding Being in Keajra Without Abandoning our Human Body:

Kadampa Ryan 3. Tantra, 4. Practicing in Daily Life, 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden

I’ve been thinking about what it means to attain Keajra without abandoning our human body.

Geshe-la said in Portugal that, “When practitioners reach Keajra pure land or Keajra Heaven through a transferrence of consciousness in this sadhana, their previous body immediately changes into the nature of light. If a practitioner who is 80 years old reaches the pure land of Keajra, he or she will become like a 16-year-old youth with a body made of light and filled with bliss. The contaminated body ceases and their body transforms into an uncontaminated body, permanently free from sickness, aging, death, and every kind of samsaric rebirth. Their original body transforms into a special body.”

It seems the meaning from the perspective of such a practitioner is their original body (in the aspect of Ryan, for example) continues to appear but is perceived as being the nature of light. It transforms into a “special body.” Their contaminated body that they normally see completely disappears, but this “special body” of light in the aspect of their original body continues to appear like an emanation in this world. But “their body,” the basis of imputation referred to by the mere name “my body,” becomes like a 16 year old in the prime of their youth, with a body of wisdom light filled with bliss.

It is like Russian dolls. The outer layer is their “special body” in the aspect of their original body that performs a function in this world like an emanation, but within that, like a Russian doll, they see themselves with a deity body. Their original body may still appear as an 80 year old, but they experience “their body” as the 16 year old deity body. The thought “my body” no longer refers to the our original body, but to our deity body; but our ordinary body still appears to us in its normal aspect but no longer as a contaminated body, but rather as a “special body” of wisdom light.

So is this special body still in samsara? It depends upon from whose perspective we look at it. For the people in our life, they will continue to see us as they have always seen us, through the lens of their karma. But we see our original body as a special body of wisdom light in the aspect of our original body.

But VGL goes further and says, “With this practice of the Uncommon Yoga of Inconceivability, we can reach the pure land of Keajra with this human body. When practitioners engage in the special transferrence of consciousness, their consciousness does not leave their body, but goes to Keajra together with the body.” In other words, we experience it as if our human body is in Keajra. How can that be if our special body still has its original aspect and still appears to be functioning in our original world? All sorts of questions start to arise.

I think the answer to these questions lies in something VGL said long ago that “the mind of Lamrim is Akanishta pure land.”

During the teachings on distractions, Gen-la Jampa explained (quoting How to Understand the Mind) that nothing is a distraction from its own side, but becomes so when we engage with it with a deluded mind. Deluded minds project objects of delusion and all objects of delusion are distractions. But if we relate to objects with Lamrim minds, they cease to be objects of delusion, they become objects of Dharma. That annoying person in our life becomes an object of our patience, the deluded person becomes an object of our compassion, everyone becomes an object of our love, and everything becomes an object of the wisdom realizing emptiness. These objects cease to be objects of samsara, but become objects of Akanishta pure land. The mind of Lamrim is Akanishta pure land.

So from the perspective of the practitioner, their human body is also with them in Keajra and they see their human body functioning in a world similar in aspect to the world we normally see in our daily lives, but instead of it appearing as contaminated objects of delusion, everything appears as objects of Dharma because they are relating to all objects with Lamrim minds.

A similar outcome can be obtained through our faith in Dorje Shugden alone. If we view all things as emanated by Dorje Shugden and that we are in his pure land training grounds, the aspect may still appear similarly as our original world, but for us it will be his pure land because all objects that appear to our mind are seen as objects of Dharma (because we are relating to them all with Lamrim minds).

With this understanding, there are no contradictions and everything settles into the pure land quite nicely.

May we all attain Keajra without abandoning this human body.

What to do When Scandal Strikes Within the Tradition:

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life, 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden

Just because some senior teachers may fall into scandal does not mean the Dharma is wrong, it means their understanding was wrong or their delusions or negative karma got the best of them.

Gen Tharchin said our primary refuge should be in the Dharma, not the person. The reason for this is simple. If we put our primary refuge in the person and they do something stupid, we will lose everthing. But if we put our primary refuge in the Dharma and the person does something stupid, the conclusion we reach is their story is a cautionary tale encouraging us to not do stupid things or to not hold on to wrong understandings. Instead of losing everything, we will become more motivated to do things correctly. Their downfall becomes their most powerful teaching.

And let’s be honest with ourselves, our tradition has had its fair share of pretty awful scandals. We don’t need to run away from these, minimize them, sugarcoat them, or worse deny them. We need to have the courage to own them, call a spade a spade and declare wrong is wrong, even when committed by people within our tradition. Indeed, I would say we especially need to do this if we want our tradition to survive, much less thrive. At the same time, we also don’t need to exaggerate our mistakes, self-flagellate about them, or become despondent about them. We simply admit them, learn from our mistakes, make amends, and move on. This is just as true for the tradition as a whole as it is for us as individuals.

We have also left a wake of some really hurt people by unskfillful things we have done or how some people have been treated. Sure, they made mistakes too along the way, but that doesn’t absolve us of our own mistakes. We need to own them, admit them, and do our best to repair any damage we may have caused.

Yes, we need to defend our tradition, sometimes even in wrathful ways, but we don’t have to harm living beings in the process of doing so. Sometimes (I would say most of the time, if not all of the time) the best way of defending our tradition is by responding with patience, acceptance, understanding, compassion, and wisdom. We need to show love for these people, not scorn. We need to be grateful for their criticisms, not retaliate in kind.

Just because we are defending something precious does not give us license to betray the teachings by harming those who seek to harm us. This doesn’t mean we do nothing or allow false accusations to stand, but we don’t protect our principles by violating them. It is like those who called for suspending democracy or engaging in torture during the war on terrorism in the name of supposedly defending it.

As a tradition, we need to have the courage to learn from our mistakes. And by and large we have done so. Things are so much better now than they were before. But we still have a long ways to go. Admitting that is not a criticism, it is an act of love for the tradition. Owning up to our mistakes and making amends for them are crucial parts of how we cause the Dharma to flourish for generations to come.

How to Respond to False Accusations or Criticism

Kadampa Ryan 3. Tantra, 4. Practicing in Daily Life, 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden

As individuals, groups, countries, even species, we will be subject to all sorts of false accusations or criticisms. This is sometimes very painful, especially if they come from those we love or are close to, or it touches on something dear to us like our role as a worker or parent, or it is about something important to us, such as our spiritual tradition or practice. In the Dorje Shugden prayers, it says, “now is the time to dispel false accusations against the innocent.” What follows are various ways we can do that, or at least things I have found to be helpful.

False accusations can take many forms, from others accusing us of doing something we didn’t do, having ill intent, misunderstanding what we are doing or saying but believing that misunderstanding to be true, being a worse person than we actually are, of being the cause of problems that aren’t our fault, and so forth. The list is endless.

So what can we do when this happens? Here are a few suggestions of things that have helped me.

First and foremost, we need to check is the accusation indeed false? We need to be honest both with ourselves and with others here. If the accusation or criticism is correct and we lie to ourselves, we never become a better person. If the accusation is correct and we pretend or lie to the other person that it is not, that’s gaslighting and usually fools nobody. If the criticism is fair, then the correct response is to be genuinely grateful that the other person pointed it out, regardless of whether their intention in doing so was love for us or hatred of us. Most often, whatever criticisms are lobbed our way are a mix – part correct and part false. For the correct part, we should admit it, apologize, and then apply effort to change. For the incorrect part, we can try the ideas below.

Second, we need to accept patiently as purification that this is our karma to have people lodge false accusations against us and believe them to be true. When you think about it, we do this to others all the time. Every time our delusions project some exaggerated or distorted image of another person and we believe it to be true, we create the karma of mentally making false accusations. If we verbalize it, then that is one step further. When you think about it, all delusions are actually false accusations. They project a distorted image and then grasp at that distortion as if it were actually true. We have been doing this since beginningless time, so we shouldn’t be surprised when some of that karma ripens. What does it mean to accept false accusations as purification? It does not mean we assent to the false accusation as being true nor does it mean we do nothing about it. It simply accepts that, “yup, this has happened. It is my karma that it has happened. My patiently accepting it is what it is will gradually purify the karmic seed giving rise to it.” When negative karma ripens for me, I like to imagine that I take on all the negative karma of all beings (including all my future selves) to experience such things and my experiencing of it is actually me purifying not only my negative karma but all the negative karma of everyone else so nobody ever has to go through what I’m going through. So I can think, “May I take on all the negative karma of false accusations of all beings (including all my future selves), and may my patiently accepting this false accusation now purify all of it for them and for me.” It goes without saying we should not retaliate in kind because that just restarts the karmic cycle all over again.

Third, we need to let go of all attachment to what other people think about us. Of course we care what other people think about us because we cannot help others or have good relationships with them if they think bad things of us. But we don’t need to be attached to what other people think about us, even those very close to us such as our family, coworkers, or friends. To be attached to something means we think our happiness depends upon this external thing. We need this external thing to be happy and we can’t be happy without it. To be attached to what others think about us means we think we need others to think good things about us to be happy and we can’t be happy if they think bad things about us. No, our happiness depends upon our inner peace. If our mind is at peace, we can be happy, even if other people think terrible and false things about us. We need to be mentally at peace with the fact that people believe false things about us. This doesn’t mean we are happy that they think false things about us, but that their thinking false things about us does not disturb our inner peace. When it hurts that people think false things about us we are being clearly shown where there is still such attachment in our mind, and this episode gives us an opportunity to root it out. Great! When we don’t have attachment to what other people think about us for some things, it is easier to let go of this attachment for all things. So much inner pain comes from being concerned with what others think about us. Rooting out this attachment from our mind is one of the most liberating things we can do in life and will likely make one of the biggest differences to our overall well-being.

Fourth, once our mind has accepted the situation as it is (others believe false things about us) and we have removed (or at least sufficiently reduced) any attachment from our mind thinking our happiness depends upon what they think about us, we can then try clarify our perspective on the situation (if the other person is open to hearing our perspective, that is). When we clarify, we shouldn’t say, “you’re wrong.” Because we are appearing vividly to the mind of the other person to be that way and to tell them they are wrong will likely either be taken as gaslighting, obliviousness to our obvious faults, or cause them to just grasp even more tightly to their false view of us. Instead, we should say things like, “I can see how you could view it that way, “ or “I understand your perspective,” and “if indeed I were that way, I could see why you would be upset since obviously that would be bad.” This acknowledges that the other person sees what they see, but simultaneously acknowledges that there are other ways of viewing things. If they are open to hearing your perspective on the situation, you can then offer it – not saying it is right and the other person is wrong, just this is how you see it and understand it. There is more than one way of viewing this. They may or may not accept your perspective, they may or may not be able to accept that there is any perspective other than theirs, but that is not something we can control. If despite our clarification, they continue to falsely view us negatively, then we need to accept that they have their opinion and we have ours and that is perfectly OK. They may be mad at us that we don’t share their perspective, but that is their issue, not ours (though it is still our karma to have people be mad at us and something we also need to accept as purification). We are not responsible for managing how other people view us or react to the things that appear in their life. That is their responsibility.

Fifth, we can view the false criticism as an indication of what we need to work on next as we proceed with our bodhisattva training. A bodhisattva seeks to abandon all faults and attain all good qualities. If somebody is making a false accusation against us and believing it to be true, we could just blithely say, “not my problem, that is their karma to see me this way.” Yes, it is true, how they see us is not our problem (meaning their distorted view of us is something happening in their mind and thus not something we can control) and it is their karma to see us that way, but to stop there would be to miss out on a great opportunity for improvement. Yes, realizing it is not our problem helps us let go of our attachment thinking how they view us matters for our inner peace and it prevents us from developing self-hatred by internalizing their distorted, negative view of us, so in this sense it is very good. But we can do even better. We can view their false accusation of us as a sign from Dorje Shugden that we need to do the work within ourselves to remove any last possible valid basis for others to view us falsely in this way. For example, if somebody views us as a bad parent, then view this as a sign we should work on becoming a better parent. Just because we can become a better parent doesn’t mean we are presently a bad parent, just we still have room for improvement. So improve! Do a better job. If others doubt us, thinking we are worse than we are, then we can view this as an opportunity to work on proving them wrong by getting better and improving in the ways that they see wrongly. Doing so can’t hurt us. If over time we consistently show the example of somebody who does NOT have the faults the other person is falsely accusing us of having, and instead we show the example of somebody who is the opposite of these things, there is a chance the other person can gradually change their view of us because there will be no valid basis for their wrong view of us. It may take time, but if we prove ourselves to not be what they think we are, they may gradually come to see us differently. Or maybe they won’t. Maybe they are not capable of letting go of their view of us. Maybe for some reason unknown to us they need to view us in this negative way. This is not something we can control. But even if it doesn’t work, we will at least have improved thanks to their false accusation of us, so we will be better off. In short, when somebody makes a false accusation against you, “prove them wrong.” Not because you are attached to what they think or because you want to be right, but because by proving them wrong you become a better person, which is the essence of our bodhisattva training. You can even dedicate your efforts so that in the future you will be able to help the person making false accusations against you.

There is much more I could say about the karmic effects of tantric pure view, emptiness, etc., but I think the above are some practical things we can do to at least maintain our inner peace despite other people thinking bad things of us or making false accusations against us (or things we hold dear, such as our tradition or practice). That’s a good enough start. On the foundation of being at peace with these things, we can then engage in more advanced practices. But without this basic foundation, these other things can become some sort of spiritual cos play that is really an act of repression, not the dismantling of delusions and faults within our mind.

I hope this helps. If not, I at least found it helpful to clarify my own thoughts about the subject. It has helped me move closer to being at peace with the false accusations in my life.

Abandoning Attachment to the Pure Kadam Dharma Flourishing:

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life, 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden

The strong wish for the holy Dharma to flourish can be a virtuous wish or it can be an attachment. Most often it is a mix in our mind.

Attachment thinks some external thing or condition is a necessary requisite for our happiness – having this external thing is a cause of happiness, and I can’t be happy without this external thing.

For example, imagine I am attached to the people close to me not suffering. This means I mistakenly think my happiness depends on them being OK. If they are not OK, I can’t be OK. I need them to be OK before I can be OK. When they suffer, I suffer; when they go down, I go down with them. This is an attachment to them being OK. I think my happiness depends upon something external, not on my own inner peace. The wish that others were free from all suffering could be a mind of pure compassion (for the sake of others, free from all attachment) or it could be an attachment (for the sake of myself, motivated by a delusion of attachment). Most often it is mixed. I want others to be free from suffering for pure compassionate reasons and for attachment reasons. My training in compassion includes gradually purifying my compassion of all attachment so that it is completely pure, free from all self-concern or attachment.

In exactly the same way, strongly wishing for the pure Kadam Dharma to flourish can be a pure wish or it can be an attachment. For example, if I’m attached to the people in my life being free from delusions – thinking my happiness depends upon them not being deluded – then I could strongly wish that they appreciate or practice the Kadam Dharma so that their delusions could decrease since I find their delusions so annoying and disturbing to my mind. I need them to practice Dharma for me to be OK. That’s attachment in my mind to the Kadam Dharma flourishing.

Resident Teachers and Center Administrators develop attachment to the Dharma flourishing all the time, or at least that’s how it appears. They have dedicated their lives to the flourishing of the Kadam Dharma, often facing significant judgment and concern from their family members who fear they have gone off and joined some cult. They might become attached to their family appreciating the Dharma so that this painful judgment stops. Or they might show up to a Summer Festival and only 2 of their students came, or maybe none at all. They might feel they have failed as an RT. They might work for many years to cause the Dharma to flourish in their area of the world, but try as they might, nobody seems interested.

Any endeavor usually involves some sort of “key performance indicators” where our success is measured against some metric. For RTs and center administrators, it can easily become “how many students do you have, is your center able to financially support itself, are you opening up new branches, how many people from your center go to festivals, etc.” It is very easy to become attached to all these things. All of these wishes could also be completely pure wishes, or they could be motivated by attachment – thinking our happiness depends upon these external things and if we don’t have these external things we can’t be happy. Most often our wish is mixed – part pure, part attachment. So just as we purify our compassion of attachment, so too we need to gradually purify our wish for the pure Kadam Dharma to flourish of attachment as well.

Just because our wishes right now are mixed does not mean they are wrong. We need these wishes, but we also need to make them more and more qualified and we do so through gradually purifying them of any trace of attachment, self-concern, and ignorance.

In many ways, it appears (to me at least) that attachment to the pure Kadam Dharma flourishing is one of the biggest, most pervasive, most corrosive attachments within our tradition (within any spiritual tradition, really), even if it is subtle and operating hidden like a tiger underneath the surface. It seems so justified, surely attachment to this wish is a good thing. No, attachment is attachment, and all attachments are delusions. The wish isn’t necessarily an attachment, but it can be. It can also be a pure wish.

Pointing this out is not a criticism of our tradition, it is an act of love. It is because we love our tradition and want it to flourish that we feel compelled to dig deeper and see what is going on in our mind. This is not finding fault in our tradition, it is finding fault in delusion. VGL’s surely does not have attachment to the Dharma flourishing, his motivation is completely pure. He has done the work to abandon all attachment to it flourishing and so must we. Perhaps I’m the only one with this attachment in my mind, I don’t know. But I do know it is present in my mind and so it is my responsibility to root it out. What others do by looking in this particlar mirror is up to them. I also need to eliminate all attachment to the people of my tradition eliminating this attachment from their mind (if it even exists in their mind, which I don’t know).

To me, it seems our job is to make our wish for the pure Kadam Dharma to flourish a completely pure wish. The more we do, the more we align ourselves with VGL’s pure intention and the more all our pure deeds (and this tradition) will flourish. The more we do, the more we fulfill our heart commitment to Dorje Shugden and the more effective he can be in our life helping us fulfill all our pure wishes.

Indeed, it is because we want the pure Kadam Dharma to flourish that we need to purify our mind of all attachment to it flourishing. Like all attachments, attachment to the pure Kadam Dharma flourishing actually creates obstacles to it flourishing in this world. People will feel manipulated, we will act all cult-like, we will become defensive when attacked, and we will create the karma to be separated from what we are attached to.

Clearly it is better to be attached to the pure Kadam Dharma flourishing than to making a bunch of money or having a great professional reputation, but it is better to have a pure wish for the pure Kadam Dharma to flourish than to have this wish mixed with attachment.

Hardly anybody ever talks about this attachment, or at least not publicly. But we do need to look into the mirror of Dharma and see if we have it in our mind, see how it disturbs our inner peace, gradually reduce it with the opponents, and finally eliminate it with the wisdom realizing emptiness. We owe it to ourselves to do this work since it is a delusion in our mind creating unhelpful karma for ourselves. We also frankly owe it to VGL to do this work. We owe it to all our lineage gurus who have done so much to pass this lineage on to us to do this work. We owe it to all living beings who we have been charged with carrying the lineage forward for to do this work.

But the choice is ours, of course. It’s not like it is bad to have this attachment (well, actually it is bad to have this attachment since all delusions are objects of abandonment). Being attached to the Dharma flourishing is good. But purifying our motivation of all attachment is even better.

Again, perhaps I’m the only one.

Ten Steps for How to Help Others When they Come to Us with Their Problems:

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life, 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden

When somebody comes to us with a problem, I have found the ten steps below to be helpful. They are born from my basically having made every mistake in the book and the sometimes painful lessons I have learned trying, but failing to help those I love. I share them with the hope that you might learn from my mistakes and help those you love.

First, just listen fully with a compassionate heart free from any personal attachment to them not suffering, nodding often, seeking to understand how they are perceiving, feeling, and experiencing what they are going through. Give them the time and space to say whatever it is they need or want to say, no matter how long it may take. Sometimes this is all people need from you – just somebody they can express themselves to or a shoulder to cry on. Often just giving people the space to verbalize what is happening inside of them is enough for them to realize the answers to their own questions or to at least get it all off of their chest. That is perfectly OK and often enough. While you are listening to them, generate Venerable Geshe-la (or Guru Sumati Buddha Heruka) at your heart, imagining the person we are speaking with is actually in his presence and they are expressing themselves to him. You can also generate Avalokiteshvara or Tara in them, reciting their mantras as appropriate requesting that their minds be blessed.

Second, repeat back what you understood them to say from their perspective (not your interpretation of their experience). Explicitly recognize what happened to them and how that made/makes them feel and what they thought about it. It’s often helpful to ask to confirm that you understood them correctly to make sure you are understanding them and everything as they are experiencing it. This step is important because unless they know we understand their problem as they are experiencing it, they won’t accept, appreciate, or understand any advice we might later give.

Third, empathize with them about how hard that is, how sorry you are that they are going through all of that, and reassure them that it is entirely normal that they are having the reaction that they are having to it. If somebody has wronged them in some way, it is very important to call that out explicitly as wrong, hurtful, and harmful. We must be able to call a spade a spade, call out wrong as wrong, and acknowledge what happened to them was hurtful. This step is important because people need to feel validated in their reactions and experiences of things before they are open to viewing things differently. If we don’t do this, then there is a real risk that any advice we later might give gets misperceived as us gaslighting them, telling them that the are wrong to experience what happened to them as harmful and that they are the one at fault for their suffering or the other person’s wrong behavior. Indeed, they may think we are saying the other person’s wrong behavior is somehow correct and our friend is the one in the wrong to take things as they did.

Fourth, we can either explicitly ask or do our best to intuit (requesting blessings helps) if the person wants any advice or suggestions or whether they just want to be heard and perhaps receive a loving hug. Here again, it is super important that we abandon any last trace of attachment in our mind to them being OK. If we need them to be OK for ourselves to be OK, then we will feel compelled to try change them and give them advice (and attached to them accepting our advice) so they can get better so that we can be better. This corrupts the whole process and just creates obstacles to them accepting any advice we might offer. It’s not our job to control or manage other people’s emotional reaction to things. Our job is to accept them as they are exactly where they are at, without any personal need whatsoever for them to change or get better.

If they are not open to receiving advice, then don’t give any. Let me repeat that: if they are not open to receiving advice, then hold yourself back – don’t give any. Just be loving and compassionate acceptance. Our job is to be for them what they need, not impose upon them what we think they need. If we give unsolicited advice, all we often do is create the causes for them to reject the advice they very well may need, which doesn’t help anybody.

Fifth, if they are open to receiving advice, don’t offer any yet. Ask questions first. How does this make you feel? What do you think is driving that? What are your thoughts about how to deal with it? What does this make you want to do? If you did that, how do you think it would play out? Have you dealt with situations like this in the past? What worked and what didn’t work in those situations? Just ask questions with genuine curiosity and no implied judgment of what you think are the right answers. Ask the questions that help them find their own answers. Do not ask them the questions that guide them towards your answers or solutions because they will sense that and again it can be mispreceived as a form of judgment, gaslighting, manipulation, or the offering of unsolicited advice. Much better to help people uncover their own solutions than be given solutions by you. Request Venerable Geshe-la at your heart to help guide you to ask the right questions.

Sixth, ask again (or intuit with blessings) if they want your perspective on the whole thing. Sometimes they will, sometimes they won’t. Again, let go of all attachment to them being OK or wanting to be their savior or giving advice or them receiving advice.

Seventh, if they do want your perspective, begin with once again repeating what you understood, call a spade a spade recognizing what the other person did was wrong, empathizing with what they are going through, acknowledging it is both hard and normal how they are reacting, and then flag what you agree with in terms of their own responses or solutions they identified in step five. Reinforce all that you have previously done and validate where you agree with their proposed solutions.

Eighth, if they are open to more, begin explaining your perspective by making a distinction between the outer and the inner problem as you see it. The outer problem is what happened and what external situation they need to deal with and the inner problem is how it may have triggered delusions in their mind that are disturbing them or they are unable to see how this bad thing that happened to them is actually good for their inner personal growth. Begin by offering very normal, very practical advice for how to deal with the outer problem. When the car breaks, take it to the mechanic. Sometimes Kadampas are reluctant to offer normal practical external advice, as if doing so is somehow not our place or takes away from the Dharma solutions we also have to offer. This is total nonsense. We should help people in all ways we can, both normal external good advice and internal advice. Most people strongly grasp at the external situation as THEIR problem, and so if you don’t show them how they can also address the external situation, they won’t feel like you understand or heard what their problem is. They also have a broken down car and need to get it fixed, so explain to them what they need to do so fix it. We should feel free to share our own experiences of when we faced similar situations and what we did externally to try address it, all while making clear that the external solution may or may not work. As Kadampas, we also need to know how to function in this world and get stuff done. Worldly wisdom is still wisdom. Once people feel like they have a solution – or at least a course of action – for their external problem, then they are more willing to be open to what we might have to say for addressing their internal problem.

Ninth, now you can turn to thoughts and suggestions on addressing their internal problem. The first thing you need to ask yourself is are they open to receiving internal advice using Dharma terminology or not. Most often, frankly, they are not; but sometimes they are. If they are not open to or familiar with Dharma terminology, don’t use it. You need to be like the ancient Tibetan translators who first had to learn the Dharma in Sanskrit and then translate it into Tibetan. We learned how to speak Kadampa through our own training, but we need to learn how to translate it into normal speech that the person we are speaking with can accept and understand. Sometimes it will be through personal stories, sometimes sports analogies, and sometimes it will be through passing on wisdom you got from your grandma. Your job is to explain things to them in a way they can understand, not how you understand it. Begin by helping them accept the situation for what it is, differentiating what we can control and what we cannot control. For the things we can control, help them see what they can do – how they can change their mind towards the situation or view it differently. More often than not, people can understand that while they may not be able to change the external situation, they can change their opinion about it. This is the beginning of the wisdom realizing emptiness. Usually, any difficult situation reveals many truths of Dharma. For the things they cannot control, help them see how this difficult situation gives them to a chance to develop some valuable internal qualities like patience, love, compassion, a backbone, setting boundaries, etc. A thorough understanding of the Lojong teachings on transforming adversity into the path is usually all we need. It is typically best to transmit this through telling stories about how you dealt with things when you faced similar situations and then let them apply the story to their own situation in their own way. Resist the temptation to tell them how they should be thinking or feeling, rather give them options they can choose from about how they might be able to view or relate to the situation differently and leave them free to decide what to take or not take from your stories or suggestions.

Tenth, ask them questions about what they think of what you had to share, if any of that was helpful or if you missed the mark. When you ask, you need to be completely free from any attachment whatsoever that they understand, appreciate, or follow anything you said. They may get mad at you for what you said and reject everything. Or they may think you are nuts and your advice is crap. Or they may appreciate what you said but you know they will not act on it. All of that is TOTALLY OK. You need to accept any and all of that. Be patient with them as Venerable Geshe-la has been with us. They may only take a fraction of what we offered and that is perfectly OK. Sometimes they hear what we say now, but will need to go through a few more similar life experiences before what we said makes any sense to them. What they take from what you offered is entirely up to them. We have no need for them to listen to us, follow our advice, or even get better. Of course we hope they do all these things, but we have no personal need for them to do so. We leave them completely free to ignore us or even hate us for what we had to say. We can request Dorje Shugden that their conversation with us becomes a cause of their enlightenment, even if they reject everything.

I’m not saying any of these ten steps are guaranteed to help and there may be many circumstances when they are not appropriate. But generally speaking, I have found them to be helpful when people have come to me with their problems. Each thing above comes from having learned the hard way that doing the opposite doesn’t work. I hope others reading this might be able to learn from my mistakes and be more helpful to those they love.

If we can learn how to help others, then we can really help the Dharma flourish in this world. If we are not able to help people with their personal problems – help them solve their problems with Dharma – then what, really, is all our practice about? But if people start coming to Kadampas when life gets hard and we are able to help them, then people will start to see the value of ancient Kadampa wisdom in the modern world. This is how it flourishes. Everyone needs Kadam Dharma. Skillfully helping them when they come to us with their problems is part of how we make it available to them.

On Embracing Our Place in the Mandala:

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life, 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden

Sometimes people may criticize or judge our practice thinking we are prioritizing a small number of living beings around us (our family, friends, work colleagues, etc.) and supposedly neglecting all living beings. That may be, but for me, I view the people in my life as proxies for all living beings like them. So by cherishing them, I mentally imagine I am cherishing all beings who are like them.

Long ago, there was this one practitioner on NKT-chat who once said, “all I need is my Spiritual Guide and my son. Through my Spiritual Guide, I receive the blessings of all the Buddhas. By cherishing my son, I can imagine I am cherishing all living beings.” I think this is exactly perfect.

I would just add that we can also view oursleves as a proxy for all those who have karma similar to our own. My blog is called “Kadampa Working Dad.” I can view myself and my life as a proxy for all Kadampas, all those who work, and all parents – in other words, all living beings. If with a bodhichitta motivation I learn how to transform my karmically appearing life into the path and gain the realizations I need to navigate through a life like mine without delusion, I am forging myself into the specific Buddha I will need to become to assume my place in the mandala.

Gen Tharchin said the specific bodichitta we develop as a bodhisattva shapes the specific type of Buddha we will become. We have Buddhas of compassion, wisdom, spiritual power, protection, and those that bless specific channels, drops, and winds. Why not a Buddha who can specifically help people with a normal modern life like mine? Why not a Buddha who can specifically help people transform tragedies and challenges similar to what I have faced into the path? The same is true for all of us.

Venerable Geshe-la wants us to make the Kadam Dharma available to everyone. Everyone is welcome. Everyone needs the Kadam Dharma. There is so much unnecessary grasping within this tradition that thinks dedicating one’s life to the practice of Dharma looks a certain way – becoming ordained, becoming a Resident Teacher or a center administrator, or living in a center, etc. Hogwash! So much mental suffering comes from grasping at such notions, causing us to think some people or life situations are obstacles to our path. It’s a form of divisive speech, really. VGL dedicated his life to breaking the Dharma free from the confines of monastic communities in Tibet. He didn’t do that to replace it with a modern version of the same ignorance within Kadampa Meditation Centers.

But if other people want to judge or misunderstand our practice, that’s their choice – and their problem. We can understand what we are doing. VGL understands what we are doing. Dorje Shugden understands what we are doing, indeed he is orchestrating the whole thing. So accept the judgment, but don’t let it bother you. Be confident in your path. You are exactly where you need to be, experiencing exactly the challenges you need to face. We are fulfilling VGL’s vision. We are assuming our place in the mandala.

Everything is perfect.

On Creating Sangha:

Kadampa Ryan 3. Tantra, 4. Practicing in Daily Life, 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden

Sometimes people can feel like they are isolated from sangha. For example, they may live far from a center or be physically incapable of making it very often – or even at all. Sometimes also, people might be able to go to the center all the time, but feel like they are not accepted or don’t fit in, even if everyone there loves and accepts them fully. This can be very painful for people, leading to a good deal of discouragement and despondency.

Many people leave the Dharma for this reason because we have a legitimate need for spiritual companionship and feel it is not being met, so we go looking elsewhere – searching, but perhaps never finding, leading to ever greater depths of despair. Even spiritual people don’t love us, we are truly worthless.

Knowing there are many people like this, we should make a concerted effort to reach out to those who seem to feel alone or isolated. Everybody welcome is not just a center policy, it is the very essence of the Kadampa way of life. We need to help make everybody feel welcome, accepted as they are without judgment, appreciated for their good qualities, and loved unconditionally.

But what should we do if we ourselves feel this way?

I would say this feeling comes from grasping at sangha existing from their own side in one form or another. We think Sangha are external to us somehow and we wait for them to “do something to us” or “for us.”

This can sometimes come across as harsh, like we are blaming people for their own loneliness or isolation. It can even take on a degree of judgment and callousness like it is your own dumb fault you feel that way, thus feeding the feeling like nobody cares. But this is not correct. Recognizing that our feelings of isolation are created by our own mind means by changing our mind, we can solve our problem. We don’t need others to do anything for us to no longer feel isolated from them. We cease being a victim of what they think and do towards us. We realize the solution lies within.

Whether somebody is a friend, enemy, or stranger depends upon the mind with which we engage with others. We can construct people in any number of ways by adopting different minds towards them. How we relate to others often quickly becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, for good or for bad. When we assume somebody is our friend and we relate to them in that way, we tend to be friendly and open and then others respond to us in similar ways. When we assume everybody hates us an is judging us, we relate to them defensively and awkwardly, and they then find us strange or off-putting or somebody to be avoided. We don’t realize that how we view others, the mind with which we engage with them, very much shapes how they view and relate to us.

Sangha are those that inspire us along the path. They encourage us to practice Dharma. We may think, I don’t have anybody in my life like that. Everyone in my life is encouraging me to follow worldly paths and the so-called sangha in my life reject me or don’t make me feel welcome. So what should we do if we find ourselves in such a situation?

Practically, there are some clear things we can do. First, we can make an effort to go to our centers or festivals; or if that is not possible, to try at least stay connected with them on-line. Second, we can accept people as they are, not be disappointed in them that they are not loving and accepting us as much as we would want them to. Third, we can create the karma to have sangha friends by being a good sangha friend ourselves towards others.

More profoundly, we can realize sangha do not exist from their own side. Whether somebody functions for us as sangha depends upon how our mind relates to them. For example, if we see somebody being cruel or deceptive or lazy or whatever, we can view that person as showing us the example of how not to be. Their bad example is teaching us to not be like that and to instead be kind, trustworthy, and hard-working. Because we are relating to them that way, they are encouraging us to practice Dharma, even if that is not remotely their intention. Thus, for us, they are functioning as sangha. Perhaps they are even emanations appearing in this way to teach us these lessons, we don’t know. Actually, as soon as we view them as emanations, they become emanations for us because emanations do not exist from their own side. Nobody is an emanation from their own side, they become one for us through our mind of faith.

More profoundly still, we can cultivate a deep, personal, and very “real” relationship with our supreme sangha, the deities of Dorje Shugden’s vast assembled retinue and the deities of Heruka or Vajrayogini’s body mandala. Even if we never step foot in a Dharma center again, we can be with our supreme sangha every day for the rest of eternity. They are actual beings with minds, not just figments of our imagination who aren’t really there. The only difference between our external sangha friends and our internal sangha friends is whether they are form sources (objects that appear to our sense consciousnesses) or phenomena sources (objects that appear to our mental consciousness). But both are equally beings with whom we can – and should – develop deep, living relationships with.

Like anything else, sangha are created by mind. If we don’t create others as sangha, we will have no sangha in our life. Realizing this, we can let go of thinking we have no sangha in our life or let go of our real or perceived narratives of our sangha not accepting and loving us and start creating our own sangha – both externally and internally – by creating the causes for them to appear in our life. We can use the perceived absence of sangha in our life as a sign from Dorje Shugden encouraging us that now is the time to create such causes.

Then, no problems.