As individuals, groups, countries, even species, we will be subject to all sorts of false accusations or criticisms. This is sometimes very painful, especially if they come from those we love or are close to, or it touches on something dear to us like our role as a worker or parent, or it is about something important to us, such as our spiritual tradition or practice. In the Dorje Shugden prayers, it says, “now is the time to dispel false accusations against the innocent.” What follows are various ways we can do that, or at least things I have found to be helpful.
False accusations can take many forms, from others accusing us of doing something we didn’t do, having ill intent, misunderstanding what we are doing or saying but believing that misunderstanding to be true, being a worse person than we actually are, of being the cause of problems that aren’t our fault, and so forth. The list is endless.
So what can we do when this happens? Here are a few suggestions of things that have helped me.
First and foremost, we need to check is the accusation indeed false? We need to be honest both with ourselves and with others here. If the accusation or criticism is correct and we lie to ourselves, we never become a better person. If the accusation is correct and we pretend or lie to the other person that it is not, that’s gaslighting and usually fools nobody. If the criticism is fair, then the correct response is to be genuinely grateful that the other person pointed it out, regardless of whether their intention in doing so was love for us or hatred of us. Most often, whatever criticisms are lobbed our way are a mix – part correct and part false. For the correct part, we should admit it, apologize, and then apply effort to change. For the incorrect part, we can try the ideas below.
Second, we need to accept patiently as purification that this is our karma to have people lodge false accusations against us and believe them to be true. When you think about it, we do this to others all the time. Every time our delusions project some exaggerated or distorted image of another person and we believe it to be true, we create the karma of mentally making false accusations. If we verbalize it, then that is one step further. When you think about it, all delusions are actually false accusations. They project a distorted image and then grasp at that distortion as if it were actually true. We have been doing this since beginningless time, so we shouldn’t be surprised when some of that karma ripens. What does it mean to accept false accusations as purification? It does not mean we assent to the false accusation as being true nor does it mean we do nothing about it. It simply accepts that, “yup, this has happened. It is my karma that it has happened. My patiently accepting it is what it is will gradually purify the karmic seed giving rise to it.” When negative karma ripens for me, I like to imagine that I take on all the negative karma of all beings (including all my future selves) to experience such things and my experiencing of it is actually me purifying not only my negative karma but all the negative karma of everyone else so nobody ever has to go through what I’m going through. So I can think, “May I take on all the negative karma of false accusations of all beings (including all my future selves), and may my patiently accepting this false accusation now purify all of it for them and for me.” It goes without saying we should not retaliate in kind because that just restarts the karmic cycle all over again.
Third, we need to let go of all attachment to what other people think about us. Of course we care what other people think about us because we cannot help others or have good relationships with them if they think bad things of us. But we don’t need to be attached to what other people think about us, even those very close to us such as our family, coworkers, or friends. To be attached to something means we think our happiness depends upon this external thing. We need this external thing to be happy and we can’t be happy without it. To be attached to what others think about us means we think we need others to think good things about us to be happy and we can’t be happy if they think bad things about us. No, our happiness depends upon our inner peace. If our mind is at peace, we can be happy, even if other people think terrible and false things about us. We need to be mentally at peace with the fact that people believe false things about us. This doesn’t mean we are happy that they think false things about us, but that their thinking false things about us does not disturb our inner peace. When it hurts that people think false things about us we are being clearly shown where there is still such attachment in our mind, and this episode gives us an opportunity to root it out. Great! When we don’t have attachment to what other people think about us for some things, it is easier to let go of this attachment for all things. So much inner pain comes from being concerned with what others think about us. Rooting out this attachment from our mind is one of the most liberating things we can do in life and will likely make one of the biggest differences to our overall well-being.
Fourth, once our mind has accepted the situation as it is (others believe false things about us) and we have removed (or at least sufficiently reduced) any attachment from our mind thinking our happiness depends upon what they think about us, we can then try clarify our perspective on the situation (if the other person is open to hearing our perspective, that is). When we clarify, we shouldn’t say, “you’re wrong.” Because we are appearing vividly to the mind of the other person to be that way and to tell them they are wrong will likely either be taken as gaslighting, obliviousness to our obvious faults, or cause them to just grasp even more tightly to their false view of us. Instead, we should say things like, “I can see how you could view it that way, “ or “I understand your perspective,” and “if indeed I were that way, I could see why you would be upset since obviously that would be bad.” This acknowledges that the other person sees what they see, but simultaneously acknowledges that there are other ways of viewing things. If they are open to hearing your perspective on the situation, you can then offer it – not saying it is right and the other person is wrong, just this is how you see it and understand it. There is more than one way of viewing this. They may or may not accept your perspective, they may or may not be able to accept that there is any perspective other than theirs, but that is not something we can control. If despite our clarification, they continue to falsely view us negatively, then we need to accept that they have their opinion and we have ours and that is perfectly OK. They may be mad at us that we don’t share their perspective, but that is their issue, not ours (though it is still our karma to have people be mad at us and something we also need to accept as purification). We are not responsible for managing how other people view us or react to the things that appear in their life. That is their responsibility.
Fifth, we can view the false criticism as an indication of what we need to work on next as we proceed with our bodhisattva training. A bodhisattva seeks to abandon all faults and attain all good qualities. If somebody is making a false accusation against us and believing it to be true, we could just blithely say, “not my problem, that is their karma to see me this way.” Yes, it is true, how they see us is not our problem (meaning their distorted view of us is something happening in their mind and thus not something we can control) and it is their karma to see us that way, but to stop there would be to miss out on a great opportunity for improvement. Yes, realizing it is not our problem helps us let go of our attachment thinking how they view us matters for our inner peace and it prevents us from developing self-hatred by internalizing their distorted, negative view of us, so in this sense it is very good. But we can do even better. We can view their false accusation of us as a sign from Dorje Shugden that we need to do the work within ourselves to remove any last possible valid basis for others to view us falsely in this way. For example, if somebody views us as a bad parent, then view this as a sign we should work on becoming a better parent. Just because we can become a better parent doesn’t mean we are presently a bad parent, just we still have room for improvement. So improve! Do a better job. If others doubt us, thinking we are worse than we are, then we can view this as an opportunity to work on proving them wrong by getting better and improving in the ways that they see wrongly. Doing so can’t hurt us. If over time we consistently show the example of somebody who does NOT have the faults the other person is falsely accusing us of having, and instead we show the example of somebody who is the opposite of these things, there is a chance the other person can gradually change their view of us because there will be no valid basis for their wrong view of us. It may take time, but if we prove ourselves to not be what they think we are, they may gradually come to see us differently. Or maybe they won’t. Maybe they are not capable of letting go of their view of us. Maybe for some reason unknown to us they need to view us in this negative way. This is not something we can control. But even if it doesn’t work, we will at least have improved thanks to their false accusation of us, so we will be better off. In short, when somebody makes a false accusation against you, “prove them wrong.” Not because you are attached to what they think or because you want to be right, but because by proving them wrong you become a better person, which is the essence of our bodhisattva training. You can even dedicate your efforts so that in the future you will be able to help the person making false accusations against you.
There is much more I could say about the karmic effects of tantric pure view, emptiness, etc., but I think the above are some practical things we can do to at least maintain our inner peace despite other people thinking bad things of us or making false accusations against us (or things we hold dear, such as our tradition or practice). That’s a good enough start. On the foundation of being at peace with these things, we can then engage in more advanced practices. But without this basic foundation, these other things can become some sort of spiritual cos play that is really an act of repression, not the dismantling of delusions and faults within our mind.
I hope this helps. If not, I at least found it helpful to clarify my own thoughts about the subject. It has helped me move closer to being at peace with the false accusations in my life.