Author: Kadampa Ryan

Being listened to by those in power

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life

Throughout my life, I have had the problem of not being listened to by those in positions of power.  At the same time, it has appeared to my mind why those in positions of power are wrong or could benefit from the ideas I want to share with them, but they are not open to listening.  Sometimes they just dismiss me, sometimes they are closed minded and not willing to listen, sometimes they are just not willing to put in the effort to read anything more than a Twitter-length explanation of something.  When they don’t listen, yet I think they are wrong, I then lose faith in those in power, become frustrated by them, become discouraged that things will never change, etc.  This has happened in many contexts of my life, professionally, personally and in the Dharma.

So what is at play here?

  1. The first thing to check is my pride.  Are my ideas genuinely right, or is it just my pride that makes me think they are?
  2. Next, I need to check my attachment to my own ideas.  It is very easy to become attached to one’s own ideas, and then frustrated when those ideas do not move forward.
  3. Next, I need to take the time to try see things from their perspective.  They are not resisting my ideas just because they are wrong and stubborn, but because of their world view accumulated through their own experiences which are different than my own.  Different people see issues differently depending upon where they are sitting.  Even the same person can view things differently by changing where they are sitting.  So I should try understand things from their perspective, not just reject their position from my perspective.
  4. Next, I need to improve my modes of communication and delivery.  Perhaps the problem is not the ideas, but how I am delivering them.  I need to learn to deliver them in a way that people can accept.  I should not deliver the message like an attack or I am breaking down the doors or that others are wrong, but rather work with people trying to help them, etc.

But if after all of that, I still feel like they are wrong but not listening, what should I do?  Why is this happening

  1. This comes from my negative karma of idle chatter.  When you say a bunch of nonsense, then people do not listen to you even when you do later have something valid to say.  So I need to purify this and stop engaging in idle chatter in any form.
  2. This comes from my negative karma of not listening to others when I have been in positions of power.  I have done the same things to others – not listening to them when I was wrong and could have benefited from what they had to say.  I need to purify this too and not make this same mistake again when I later assume positions of power.
  3. I need to accept the karma that is in play.  Karmic inertia is sometimes quite slow as it takes time for already activated karma to play itself out and for new karma to assert itself and become the dominant force.  I need to patiently accept this, and during this time I need to work on assembling the causes and conditions for the karma to actually change.
  4. I need to cease to be the perpetual outsider.  I always construct myself as an outsider when it comes to authority and power.  I construct myself as the unlistened to outsider who knows better.  I need to become an insider, but in the good sense, not the bad sense.  One of the reasons why I am an outsider is I find it easy to work on projects that are my idea, but I find it difficult to commit energy to other people’s projects.  Since I am unwilling to volunteer to help other people accomplish their projects, they do not let me ‘in’ to a position of greater power.  So I remain an outsider.  I need to learn to help those in positions of power accomplish their vision and their projects, then they will naturally want to bring me in.  The goal here is not to become a sychophant, but to become a productive, contributing member of the team.  To make this transition, I need to contemplate the worthiness of the projects that they are working on, come to appreciate them myselves so that I want to contribute to them, then I volunteer. 

Launch of Dorje Shugden Debate website

Kadampa Ryan 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden

This website has been prepared for the benefit of Buddhist practitioners as well as the general public (journalists, concerned persons, etc.) to better understand the different arguments on both sides of the current controversy surrounding the practice of Dorje Shugden.

The goal is to have in one place all of the major arguments on both sides of this debate so that individuals can examine the debate and come to their own conclusions.

http://dorjeshugdendebate.wordpress.com/

You don’t need friends, you need to be a friend

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life, Cultivating healthy relationships with others

You don’t need friends, you need to be a friend.  You don’t need people to love you, you need to love people.  You don’t need others to do things for you, you need to do things for others.  Other people don’t need to like you for you to feel fulfilled, you need to simply like others.  Don’t be upset when others don’t contact you, rather contact them.  Don’t wait for others to come to you, go to them.  Don’t let anything be an obstacle, make it an opportunity to grow.  Don’t want, instead give.  Don’t wait for things to satisfy you, rather bring satisfaction to them.  Don’t expect anything from others, rather be grateful for what you have.  Don’t judge people if they don’t live up to your expectations, rather strive to live up to your own expectations for yourself.  Don’t fish for compliments, rather give them unconditionally.  You don’t need to say anything, you need to listen.  You don’t need others to understand you, you need to understand others.  You don’t need anybody to do anything for you, you need to do things for others.  You don’t need to receive anything from others, you need to offer things to others.  Don’t blame others for your experience of life, take responsibility for it.  Don’t wish you were with somebody else, be delighted to be who you are with.  Don’t judge a situation in terms of what it can do for you, rather look at what you can do in  a situation.  Don’t create problems, resolve them.  Don’t judge, accept.  Don’t focus on what you are doing, focus on why you are doing it.  Don’t expect things to change quickly, just be happy to create causes which take you in the right direction.  Don’t keep going down roads you know lead nowhere, just decide to do the right thing.  Don’t base your sense of self-worth on what others think of you, rather base it on your potential to get better with effort.  Don’t try to change others, change yourself.  Don’t blame others for your problems, blame your delusions.  Don’t wish things were different, realize they are perfect just the way they are.  Don’t waste your time chasing rainbows, spend your times planting seeds.  Don’t get angry when confronted with the truth, realize it is your pathway to freedom.  Don’t waste the days you are given, make the most of them.  Don’t expect yourself to already be perfect, rather joyfully but patiently work on perfecting yourself.  Don’t lament that things are unfair, just treat others fairly.  You don’t need to be anywhere else, you need to be where you are.  You don’t need to be with anybody else, you need to love who you are with.  Don’t take half-measures, deal with things definitively.  Stop making excuses, know you can do it.  Don’t try go it alone, pray for the strength to change.

Engaging in your daily practice for the benefit of all living beings

Kadampa Ryan 3. Tantra, 4. Practicing in Daily Life

The only thing we can take with us when we die is the karmic causes we have created for ourself.  A pure practitioner is not concerned with results, but is exclusively focused on creating good causes.  We have a fininte amount of time in this life to create good causes, so we need to make sure that every moment we dedicate to doing so we get the most karmic bang for the time invested.

The basic daily practice we do is the Yoga of Buddha Heruka (adding Dorje Shugden on at the end).  So the question is how do we engage in this practice in such a way as to create the maximum amount of good causes while we do it?

There are three things we can do:

First, we should take the time before we begin the practice to generate a qualified bodhichitta motivation.  Bodhichitta multiplies the power of our practice by the number of living beings – in other words, infinitely.  But it is not enough to just say ‘bodhichitta’, you need to actually generate the mind of bodhichitta.  To do this, I find it most helpful to recall that every living being is an aspect or a part of my mind and my dream.  I have imprisoned all living beings into contaminated aggregates and they are suffering terribly as a result.  I have made a terrible mess of the universe of my mind, and now I need to clean up the mess I have made, I need to right the wrongs I have committed, I need to undo the samsara that I have created.  Since the enitre universe and all of the beings within it are only the fabric of my mind (my mind is currently in the shape of a samsara filled with suffering beings), to correct for everything I need to reshape my mind in the aspect of a pure land in which all beings are free.  My mind is currently uncontrolled and is shaping itself as a samsara, but now I need to gain control of my mind and intentionally shape it as a pure land.  Only a Buddha can do this fully and compltely and irreversibly, therefore I need to become a Buddha.  How?  By engaging in the practice of the Yoga of Buddha Heruka, the method for reshaping my mind.  The advantage of this contemplation is it also functions to make our practice a practice of purification.  We acknowledge all the wrongs we have committed, and we resolve to do right by all living beings by undoing all that we have done.  This mind is absolutely orthogonal to all of the negativities we have ever created, and so therefore functions to purify all the negative karma we have with respect to all living beings very very quickly.  For me, bodhichitta is my main purificaton practice.

Second, we need to practice guru yoga throughout our practice.  Every visual apsect, every mind we generate, every intention we should correctly see as a manifestation of and inseparable from our guru.  The Guru functions karmically as the focal point for all the countless Buddhas.  We recall this fact, so that we have the feeling that when we make offerings, prostrations, requests, etc., we are doing so to all the countless Buddhas.  We are calling upon all of them, we are mixing our mind with all of them.  When we generate a visual form in the practice we recognize the nature of this visual form as being all of the Buddhas, so throughout the entire practice we are cognizant of the fact that we are mixing our mind with the minds of all the Buddhas in every aspect of the practice.  Since there are countless Buddhas, this too multiplies the power of our practice by the number of Buddhas.  We receive a flood of blessings, because they are all trying to bless our mind.  The most important mind to generate with guru yoga (besides the recognition that the guru is the synthesis of all the Buddhas) is the mind of total and complete surrender to him.  From the perspective of our Dharma practice, there are three things:  the conditions of our practice (outer, inner and secret), our practice itself (what we are doing) and the final objective/destination of our practice (the enlightenment of all beings in the aspect of ourselves and all beings abiding in Keajra as Heruka).  We surrender completely the outer, inner and secret conditions of our practice to Guru Dorje Shugden.  We surrender our practice itself completely to Guru Tsongkhapa (he guides us as to what to do and he even engages in our practice for us within our mind).  We surrender the final objective/destination of our practice as being Keajra.  We have no other objective, we let go of and leave behind (renounce) all other goals and objectives.  Renunciation in this context is not a foregoing something good that we are depriving ourselves of, rather it is a leaving behind of all things less worthy, desirable and meaningful. 

Finally, when we engage in the practice itself, we should do so either as all living beings or for all living beings.  Living beings are currently samsaric beings in our dream because we have been having them engage in samsaric actions.  By engaging in the practice as all living beings, in other words, recognizing ourselves as all living beings and imagining that they are all engaging in the practice, we karmically reshape our mind such that in the future living beings will appear to us to be engaging in the stages of the path to enlightenment – engaging in pure actions instead of contaminated actions.  Imagining they are doing this is one of the most virtuous things we can do towards them, and for us it creates several great causes.  First, we get the karma as if we were engaging in our practice countless times since in effect we are doing so.  Second, we create the causes to have Buddhas engage in our practice for us within our own mind, we are doing it for living beings creates the causes for Buddhas to do it for us.  Since they know how to engage in the practices perfectly, if we learn to surrender to their engaging in our practices within our mind for us, we too will come to practice perfectly.

Within the context of the Yoga of Buddha Heruka, how specifically do we do this?

  1. When we do refuge, bodhichitta, through to the mandala offering, we imagine that all living beings are around us and we are all collectively engaging in the practice, like a universal puja, towards Guru Sumati Buddha Heruka and the field of merit in front of us.
  2. When we engage in the Migstema prayer (which I add to the practice) and the request to GSBH, we dissolve all living beings into us, generate the mental recognition that they are in us, that we are them (imputing our I on all living beings in the aspect of us engaging in these requests).
  3. When we dissolve everything into the Dharmakaya, we imagine that we have freed all living beings from the samsara we normally project them in/imprison them in.
  4. When we arise as Heruka, we imagine that we are inside the minds of all living beings (in the aspect of the Dharmakaya), and that we are generating the Heruka Body Mandala within their mind in order to accomplish the function of the mandala in their mind, like a medical treatment of their mind. 
  5. When we do the checking meditation of the mandala we recall the symbolism of each aspect of the mandala, and we recognize that as we are performing these different functions inside of their mind as a means of healing/treating their minds.
  6. When we recite the mantras, we imagine each mantra is like a magical spell we are casting which functions to accomplish the function of each mantra on the mind of all living beings.
  7. When we do the Dorje Shugden part (which I add) we recall how all beings and the entire universe are empty (the fabric or ocean of our mind), and we request that he accomplish his function for all living beings within your dream, so that everything that happens to every single being function to channel or herd all living beings to enlightenment.
  8. When we dedicate, we once again recall emptiness and dedicate to reshape our mind according to the dedication prayers so that all beings are freed.

Yes, this is a lot to do and it takes time to become skilled at doing so, but if we do, the power of our practice will be augmented infinitely.  We will make the most out of the little time we have to engage in formal practice.

The dangers of allowing negative karma to remain on your mind

Kadampa Ryan 5. Reliance upon Dorje Shugden

Our personal world is a dream world arising from our karma.  Because the karma that is ripening on our mind is contaminated karma, when these dream worlds ripen, they appear to us as being ‘real’ worlds.  Out of ignorance, we believe this appearance and experience our world as such.

The problem is this:  we have spend at least 99% of our previous lives in the lower realms, and 99% of our actions have been negative actions (while in the lower realms, basically all of our actions were negative).  It is true that in this life we are not engaging in significant negativities, though we are still engaging in some.  But this life is an exception, a brief period of relative non-negativity in an infinite history of non-virtue.  It is also true that I have done next to nothing to purify my negative karma.  Out of a false arrogance from the fact that little negative karma is ripening right now, I arrogantly assume that I do not have a lot of negative karma which remains on my mind.  Or I ignorantly become lulled into a false sense of security because things are OK right now. 

The reality is the only reason why I am not being crushed by my negativity is I am being protected by Dorje Shugden.  His protection circle holds back the fires of my negative karma.  He has provided me with the space necessary to create more virtue and to purify the negativities which plague my mind.  But the point is this:  for as long as these negative seeds remain on my mind, I remain in extreme danger of falling into the lower realms.  Once I fall, I will engage in almost exclusively negative actions, and I will be forced to undergo unimaginable sufferings for incalculably long periods of time.  I will lose everything I have worked so hard for.  Even if the risk is only 1% that this will happen, because the impact of it happening is infinite, this is an infinite risk.  It is just too dangerous to remain.  If I don’t use the space that Dorje Shuden has provided me to purify my mind of its negative karma, then the risk is always there. 

I must take the time and apply effort to purify my mind before it is too late.  It does not take much.  All I need to do is generate a strong regret about my negativities before I engage in my daily practice and then intend to engage in my practice as a means of purifying that negative karma.  It adds one minute to my contemplations before I start, but could save my life.

I just joined Facebook! Strange (but pleasantly meaningful) experience.

Kadampa Ryan 1. Reflections on doing this website/blog

Well, I did it!  I made the plunge.  I joined the virtual world.  I just created a Kadam Ryan Facebook identity (is that what you call it?  Perhaps it is “profile.”) and I reconnected with a Twitter identity I briefly created out of curiosity about a year ago.  I then went looking for “friends”, and I found my (real) friends, my Sangha buddies!   

One of the hardest parts about my new life is not having daily or regular contact with my Sangha.  For me, Facebook then becomes a sort of virtual lifeline to (and eventually meeting place to be with) my Sangha.  I was actually (pleasantly) surprised when I found how many Kadampas are already in this world.  When I saw each name, I was able to remember my time with them, and in this way I could reconnect with them and all that they mean to my life. 

Then a couple of days passed by, and I have really only just now been able to reopen my Kadam Ryan gmail address.   I then saw all of the people who “confirmed me” as their friend.  Seeing this was, for me, like those first few hours when we arrive at a Festival at Manjushri and we run into everybody we know and it is like one big family reunion. 

The reality is we are moving into a digital world.  Not completely, but quite significantly in terms of the number of hours of our day will be engaged with it.  When you consider the number of hours a day we are in front of our computers plus our time in front of the TV plus our time in front of our smartphones plus out time listening to music, virtually ALL of our waking experience time is taking place in this digital world.  The rest of the time we are either tending to the needs of our body (cleaning it, feeding it, putting it to sleep) or in the dream state.  Even during a good hour of our non-digital waking time, we are meditating so not really engaging all that much with physical reality. 

It seems to me our interactions in this digital world now will define the culture and parameters of the Kadampa experience on the digital world for generations to come.  If we do it right, we can create the feeling of a global festival of all digital Kadampas all of the time!  This is really important. 

I see the tremendous potential for creating a global digitial Sangha (maybe the Kadampa IT people can create an internal “Sanghabook.org” which functions exactly like Facebook but where it is an all Kadampa environment).  Eventually all of the different Kadampa blogs could be transferred to a host owned by the NKT, etc., etc., etc.  Each center will develop a digital identity and community.  People could blog and chat and share from the festivals in real time like people do for political or sporting events, so that the whole world can participate no matter where they are.  Of course all of this has to be done right, and it will take a long time before it matures to that level, but it does seem inevitable.

But for me and for now, the realities of my life are such that I will, despite a sincere effort, probably be pretty bad at being a good digital friend.  But please know it is not because I don’t love you all very much.  You are my Sangha, my vajra family.  I take refuge in you.  We are the planets that orbit the sun of our Guru, and as long as we stay in each other’s orbit we will all pull, push, surf each other to enlightenment.  We all hold on to Venerable Geshe-la and enjoy the meaningful (and blissful) ride!

OM VAJRA WIKI WITRANA SOHA

How the Spiritual Guide can “be there” for each and every being all of the time

Kadampa Ryan Activating our inner Spiritual Guide

From an external point of view, I have very bad karma when it comes to being able to be with my spiritual guide.  It is hard for me to go to festivals, everytime I have tried to physically meet with him in the past, something has happened where it hasn’t been possible.  It is even very difficult for me to have much interaction with those teachers he has formed.  It is very easy to become discouraged thinking we must be doing something wrong or feel like we have insurmountable obstacles and we will never be able to attain enlightenment because we can’t receive this direct interaction. 

Other times we can have the doubt, how is it possible for him to help directly each and every being all of the time.  Yes, he can help those around him and they in turn can help others like ripples on a pond, but that is him helping all beings indirectly – not directly. 

When I did my Heruka close retreat, my main conclusion was the answer to these doubts – and I need to remind myself of this conclusion again and again so that I never lose it.  The way in which it is possible for the spiritual guide to be able to “be there” for each and every living being all of the time is he resides at the center of the sphere of all living beings.  Technically speaking, and perhaps more poetically, he resides simultaneously in the heart of each and every living being.  How? 

All hearts of each and every being have a common intersection point, like the hub of a wheel or the center of a sphere (of emptiness).  Each being is like a spoke on this wheel.  If you are inside an individual spoke, you can only see what is inside that spoke.  But if you can move yourself to the hub, then you can simultaneously reflect yourself inside every spoke.  This is where the Spiritual Guide resides.  By being present there, he is present everywhere for everyone all of the time.  Beings can even die and be reborn, and he remains equally “right there the whole time.”  For him, it is like a parent watching their child fall asleep and then waking up again.   He is able to stay with us in life after life.

If we can understand this, then we will never feel alone, we will feel we can always access him, and that he has never and will never abandon us in life after life.  Even when the reflection that is Venerable Geshe-la’s present body dies, it is really our karma to have that appearance which has exhausted itself, but he is still there.  He will never abandon the NKT and he will always be there because he is not the body of VGL, rather he is the eternal Je Tsongkhapa, like the Living Christ for Christians.  The body of VGL is an echo or a reflection of a much deeper, eternally abiding being.  We do not need to fear, he will always be with us.  In fact, he will always be within us eager to fill us with his wisdom and respond to our prayers.

While it is beyond the scope of this blog, this understanding also has tremendous benefits for our self-generation practice.  We are able to feel as if we are doing our practice inside the hearts of each and every living being, directly and profoundly blessing and healing them.

How we abuse the Dharma and destroy our relationships at the same time

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life, Cultivating healthy relationships with others

An extreme I often fall into is the extreme of trying to change others with the Dhama motivated by attachment. 

Bodhichitta is the wish to become a Buddha so that we can lead all other beings to the same state.  We talk all the time in the Dharma about how everything we need to do needs to be for others and how it is only by abandoning our delusions that any being can find happiness.  I have a highly inflated sense of how much wisdom I actually possess and how I know exactly what everybody else’s delusions and problems are and what they need to do to overcome them.  Call this pretentious wisdom!  As with all prides, this pretentious wisdom is often accompanied by an attachment to everyone else sharing my exalted view of my own wisdom, and so I feel the need to go around and “save everybody” by getting them to realize how I am right about everything – “if only they saw things as I did, they would not suffer…”

At the same time, I am still very much controlled and dominated by my delusions, in particular I still have a strong aversion to people being deluded around me and a strong attachment to people “succeeding” around me, in particular with my family.  If I am honest, I still have a “need” for others to change around me.  I still think my happiness depends upon whether those around me are happy.  Out of an attachment to a life of ease, I wish those who I interact with often had no problems so that I didn’t need to deal with their problems.  In short, I also have a strong attachment to those around me changing.  Additionally, an attachment to others changing actually functions to block any wisdom knowing how to help others from arising in our mind.  Instead of thinking about how to help others motivated by compassion, we “meditate” on their faults motivated by an anger wishing them to change.  Any “solutions” to their problems that such “meditations” produce, no matter how much they sound like Dharma wisdom, will not be the right ones.

These two together, namely pretentious wisdom and an attachment to those around me changing, are a very dangerous cocktail.  I tell myself I am being the good bodhisattva trying to bring wisdom to others, but in reality I am trying to change others with the Dhama motivated by an attachment to them changing.  People are not stupid.  They know when we are trying to change them, and they know when we are doing so motivated by an attachment.  Unless the other person already possesses great wisdom (and if they do, who are we to try chang them?), if we try change others motivated by attachment the only thing it does is cause them to reject the very advice we are trying to give and to resist the “help” we are trying to offer. 

Using the Dharma in this way is quite simply abusing the Dharma.  It is using it for our own purposes to fulfill the wishes of our attachment.  It also destroys our relationships with others because we start fighting with them and having all sorts of problems.  It is also the exact opposite of the bodhisattva path because it causes people to reject the Dharma.

So what should we do instead?  Just focus on changing ourselves and working on our own delusions.  This can still be bodhichitta in that the main activity of the bodhichitta wish is improving ourselves.  It is only after we have actually acquired some wisdom and skilful means and are completely free from the need for others to change that we can then start helping others.  Who we are is a far more effective “teacher” than anything we have to say, so it is only by ourselves living the example of somebody working on improving themselves without trying to or needing to manipulate or change others that we can help bring about change in others.  In short, if we are saying all the right things but still trying to change others motivated by attachment, we will create only problems and help nobody.  If we say nothing, but just be the example (not try “show” the example) of somebody working on themselves, we will help everybody around us.

We therefore very easily fall into the extreme of trying to change others with the Dharma

“I’ll change honey, I promise…”

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life, Cultivating healthy relationships with others

There are certain interpersonal dilemmas which come up again and again in modern life.  It is very important for Kadampas to learn how to respond to these situations with wisdom.  I don’t pretend to know what is the best way to respond to these situations, but I figure it might be useful for me to share some of the dilemmas which I have observed and what lessons I have learned for how to respond to them.  If other people have other examples and lessons learned, I am sure we could all benefit from learning from one another.

One of the most common such dilemmas is the “I’ll change honey, I promise…” dynamic.  Very often people find themselves in abusive or dysfunctional relationships.  The dynamic is as follows:  one person consistently mistreats the other and the other just generally accepts and goes along with it because they do not want to lose the relationship with the abusive person because sometimes there are “good times” that they don’t want to lose.  The abused person eventually realizes that it is unhealthy and they have had enough, so they say, “I am leaving.”  The abusive person then starts acting all nice, offering flowers (metaphorically or literally), and tells the other person that they will change, they promise.  The abused person then “sees the good” in the abusive person and decides to take them back.  But as soon as they do, the abusive person then starts to (gradually or quickly) relapse back into thier old ways and becomes abusive again.  Then the cycle starts all over again. 

Clearly, it does not help people to allow them to abuse us.  They are engaging in negativity against us, and if we allow them to continue to do so, we are enabling them to create bad causes for themselves for the future.  Likewise, it is not good for us because like a drug addict it erodes our sense of self-worth as we become increasingly ready to sacrifice all that is healthy and good in our lives in a desperate attempt to hold on to what little good remains.  I have a cousin who was once in an abusive relationship, she told the guy “If you hit me one more time, I am leaving.”  He became nice again for awhile, but then hit her again.  Without saying a word, she packed her bags, grabbed her kid, and never looked back!  Not only is that the right thing to do, it also is a powerful lesson to her daughter that we do not allow people to do these things to us.  In contrast, I know many people who for years allow these things to drag on, to the detriment of all.  Of course, physical violence is an extreme case, but the same dynamic plays itself out in many lesser forms.

So does this mean we should just leave and show total non-cooperation with any and all dysfunction in our relationships?  Of course not.  If we did, we would very quickly find ourselves without any relationships at all since everybody in samsara, at one level or another, is under the influence of their ignorant delusions and so is necessarily acting in deluded and dysfunctional ways. 

The test I use is the following:  if the other person is genuinely aware of their problems, is actively trying to change themselves (on their own, not due to your outside pressure), and you are providing some sort of positive influence in their process of change, then it is perfectly appropriate to remain in a relationship and to support the other person in their path of personal change, even if that means sometimes having to serve as the object of their abuse and dysfunction.  But if the other person is oblivious to their problems and doing nothing to change (except in response to your threats to leave), then it is better to let the relationship go and move on.  Of course, you still should always love the person and pray for their well-being, but you can do so without having daily intereaction with them. 

Will this mean you lose the “good” that you sometimes get from the relationship?  Yes, it does, but only in the way that a drug addict has to give up the “good” that comes from drugs – the honey they lick off of a razor’s edge.  So yes, you will have to give up some good feelings or times, but what you gain is self-respect, self-confidence and freedom from the constant troubles inherent in a dysfunctional relationship. 

When the other person realizes that they have permanently lost you due to their abusive behavior, there is a chance that they will then genuinely change.  We should pray that they do, but even if they do, we should never take the person back because doing so will just reproduce the old pattern.  But sadly, more often than not, even our absence in their lives is not sufficient to change them because they are completely possessed by the demons of their own uncontrolled delusions.  Their not changing when we cut the relationship does not mean we made a mistake to do so – it was and still is the right decision both for them and for ourselves – but rather it is a commentary on how powerful delusions can be and therefore it serves as a powerful reminder of the need for us to not allow ourselves to remain under the influence of our own delusions and for us to never abandon our bodhichitta wish to become a Buddha so that we will be able to have the time, wisdom and skilfull means to gradually and eventually lead these people we love to freedom.

Qualities of a Kadampa in the workplace

Kadampa Ryan 4. Practicing in Daily Life

The professional world is full of temptations to engage in negativities in order to professionally get ahead.  I would argue that as a long-term prospect even in professional terms, such actions are short-sighted and ultimately will fail even if they produce some short-term gains.  Karmically, if one succeeds in a professional environment, it has much more to do with whether they have previously created the karma for success than their current actions.  For example, somebody will become rich if they have given a lot in the past, not how hard they work today (though of course hard work is a circumstantial condition most of the time).  Somebody will become powerful if they have protected others in the past, not whether they are willing to assert themselves today. 

Further, if we engage in negativities today in the workplace, it actually increases the likelihood that good things will not happen for us even in the short run.  Why?  Because negative minds activate negative karma.  So if we are generating negative, selfish minds thinking this will get us ahead (the peak of delusion), then this will activate negative seeds on our mind which will bring about more misfortune and obstacle.  The only exception to this is when we are subject to massive spirit interference where malevolent spirits actually activate karmic seeds for ‘success’ in an effort to fool us into confusing cause and effect (namely negative actions bring about success).  This is quite similar to the mythical ‘deals with the devil.’  Even if they are not formal deals, karmically they are quite similar.

Finally, from simply the perspective of being happy while you work, engaging in negativities in the workplace is self-defeating.  Even if you ‘succeed’ more, you do so at the price of your own inner peace, so you are not able to actually enjoy your success.  Inner peace is an essential condition for being able to enjoy anything, and without it even if we become the richest and most powerful person in the world, we will not enjoy any of it.  So what is the point? 

Given all of the above, what then are the qualities of a Kadampa in the workplace?  First and foremost, we should be like my former boss Dr. Sahliyeh who has as his operating principle that he wants what is best for his employees, even if that means something not good for him.  He demonstrated this to me two times.  The first was when I was interviewing, and instead of saying something bad about other employment opportunities I had, he said he hoped I got Gonzaga and that he wanted what was best for me.  Then he suggested my name for the job in Dubai, even though that meant he might lose me which he didn’t want to do.  When our employees know that want what is best for them, even if it means it comes at our own expense, then they will naturally respect us and give us their all.  Dr. Sahliyeh was also an outstanding boss in that he always makes a point of asking how the family is and how our personal lives are going before he addresses the professional issues.  He does not view us just as workers, but as people with lives first, and he takes that into account in what he demands.  For example, he allowed me to only work mornings for the first couple of months when we arrived in Dallas so I could help get my family established in their new lives here.  All of these things are really amazing.  He is about as good of a boss as they come.

We should also be extremely competent in all that we do.  I think some Kadampas make the mistake of thinking that because our ordinary work is largely mundane that it does not matter, so we don’t really apply ourselves.  But even if the work we do is mundane, the personal skills we acquire by working are only mundane if we only intend to use them for mundane purposes.  But if instead we wish to acquire these skills for the sake of spreading the Dharma, then such skills are vital for the welfare of all living beings.  We will not be able to help all living beings if we are incompetent at all that we do!  This is one of the things that appeals to me about being a diplomat.  A diplomat needs to be the embodiment of virtually every good professional quality – smart, hard working, competent, diplomatic, good organizational skills, good communication skills, presents well, represents well, etc.  Kadampa teachers and practitioners in this world are, in effect, the diplomats of all the Buddhas.  Hard power is the ability to force people to do what we want, soft power is the ability to get people to aspire from their own side to do what we want, and this largely comes through the power of emulation.  Why would people want to become a Kadampa if they see us all as a bunch of incompetent losers?  Ambassador Chung was to competence what Dr. Sahliyeh is to personal qualities.

We used to watch Celebrity Apprentice.  This too was revealing about professional conduct.  Bret Micheals never said anything bad about anybody, he worked really hard, he was creative, he did not fight people or try advance his own agenda at their expense, he was just a genuinely good guy.  Since he was such a good guy, you cannot help but want him to win.  In contrast, Holly was a back-stabbing, self-serving, two-faced (sorry to say) b**ch.  But she is really competent at all that she does and she fights for a good cause.  But despite that, you can’t help but want her to fail because of the way she is.  As Thomas Friedman says we are in the age of ‘how’.  How we do things is more important than what we do.  Curtis was smug and too much of a pretty boy, so people also did not want him to succeed.  Cindy Lauper was brilliantly creative, but was such a wierdo that had no time management skills that, while you liked her and she was right on the personal side of things, couldn’t inspire the respect of others.  Sharon Osborne was really good at what she did and she clearly ‘got it’ in terms of the human skills, but she was either too tired, too sick or too emotionally involved to make it.  It just overwhelmed her.  Some people made it far simply by not rocking the boat and quietly operating under the radar.  Not being remarkable, either too good or too bad, just quietly doing a good job.  But if you don’t stick your neck out and lead you won’t make it all the way. 

The point is this:  as Kadampas we need to embody every good quality, but we develop these qualities for the sake of helping and inspiring all beings to enter into and complete the path.  We need to never say anything bad about anybody ever, work hard, be competent at all that we do, be fair, put our employees or clients interest firsts, not be smug, be creative, be a risk-taker, manage our time well, be diplomatic, etc., etc., etc.  Dorje Shugden arranges for us to be in a working environment for a reason.