It doesn’t have to be hard. I guess for me what makes it hard is my attachment to those I love being OK – I’m OK when they are OK, I’m not OK (my inner peace is disturbed) when they are not OK.

What has happened is I now mostly just cherish the happiness of those I love and am mostly working for their benefit, but then I see both them suffering a lot and that I’m quite limited in how I can help. But since I’m attached to their well-being (I think my happiness depends upon them being OK), their suffering has turned into my suffering and worry – like a mother who always worries about her children, and sometimes when their suffering is great, it tears her apart or breaks her.

Intellectually, I understand what I need to do.

First, I need to let go of my attachment to them being OK (not suffering) without falling into an indifference towards their plight. I need to be able to keep my deep concern, but not have it disturb my inner peace when they suffer.

Second, I need to accept (become at peace with the fact) that at present there is very little I can do to change the fundamental trajectory of things for them, in the short-term at least. Part of bodhichitta is realizing that at present we don’t have the ability to really help them with their deep sufferings (maybe we can help some with their manifest suffering, but not so much with their changing and pervasive suffering, or the fact that they are trapped in a cycle of uncontrolled rebirth). Once this truth touches my heart, it becomes “unbearable.” The gap between how much I would want to help and how much I can actually do so becomes unbearable.

Third, I need to channel this unbearability into bodhichitta. I can’t at present do much, but a Buddha can. Only if I become a Buddha will I have the wisdom, skillful means, and ability to be there for them every moment, in life after life, for as long as it takes. I want to be able to, at least in my heart, say to those I love what VGL has told us, “I will be with you always. I will never forget you, I’m always working with you. Please do not forget me.” I then use this wish to channel the feelings of unbearability into a qualified and powerful bodhichitta.

But then fourth, I need to overcome my doubts about whether it is even possible to become a Buddha, whether our teachings are indeed scientific methods that can take me to that state, and whether I even have the ability to do what it takes for long enough to accomplish these goals – or at least get far enough along the spiritual path in this life to ensure I can continue with it in my next life, and so on without interruption until I can accomplish these lofty spiritual goals.

I know intellectually what I need to do, but the “hard” part is bringing it into my heart. It forces me to confront these different levels of subtle delusions in my heart. At each stage there are different pitfalls and deep-seated delusions to work through – most of them rooted in my attachment to them being OK, my impatience for quick results, and my doubts about myself and the path. Working through these is how we actually enter the Mahayana.

We actually enter the Mahayana path when we generate spontaneous bodhichitta. Once we do, our enlightenment becomes inevitable and unstoppable. But to get to spontaneous bodhichitta, we first need to generate a qualified, in our heart, bodhichitta even for just a moment. Working through the four final hurdles above is how we do that. It seems these are the final steps we need to take in our heart to get to the actual precious mind of bodhichitta. Once we get to it once, we then do so again and again and again, until it becomes our new habit of our heart. We then gradually build up more and more momentum until it becomes present all the time.

For that to happen, we need to train in concentration. Technically speaking, to actually enter the Mahayana (by generating spontaneous bodhichitta), we need the mind of tranquil abiding. That too seems so far off from where I’m at. I’m also getting older, which will make it harder. I’m running out of time. But it seems most of the instructions of the Ganden Oral Lineage explain that if we can get to the fourth mental abiding on our main objects that’s good enough to get the train started with enough irreversible momentum that we will eventually get to the fully qualified minds. That seems doable.

But it all starts with those initial experiences in the heart of an authentic bodhichitta. To get there, we have to work through the four things explained above. Once we can do it once, we then know it is possible. So really, from a practical point of view, we enter the Mahayana when we generate for the first time in our heart an authentic bodhichitta.

But bodhichitta is this feeling for the sake of all living beings, not just the small circle of people we currently feel heart-felt love for. So we first need to generate a qualified bodhichitta for a few people, and then we gradually expand that until it encompasses all living beings.

I feel like the challenges I have faced the last several years are all forcing me to actually make these steps in my heart. This is quite different, much more subtle and difficult, than intellectually understanding what I need to do. But I do feel I’m starting to get there. It’s been hard, but I’m starting to feel it coming together in my heart. I’m not there yet, but I am starting to see the landing zone.

Dorje Shugden, Venerable Geshe-la, Guru Sumati Buddha Heruka, please help me to do this. May I never waver until I attain the final goal.