I think I need to allow myself to rebuild a completely new relationship with the Dharma.

I have had other rounds of this earlier in my life. The first iteration was from when I found the Dharma in 1994 to about 2000, I got as far as I could relying upon my ordinary intellect for understanding the Dharma, but then I couldn’t go any further. My teacher at the time encouraged me to rebuild from scratch by relying, which eventually led to a new framework of “rely upon the Guru’s mind alone.” This lasted until about 2009 and saw me through my time as a Resident Teacher, the birth of my first three children, etc.

I then had to also completely rebuild my practice after I experienced an external sequence which wiped out entirely the external conditions supporting us remaining in Geneva and me remaining a Resident Teacher – from a major landslide at our house which cost us all our money, losing the tuition for the schooling of our kids, to the birth of my twin sons. This period lasted until essentially my 50th birthday this year and my pilgrimage to Bodh Gaya.

I now also feel I need need to completely rebuild after everything I have been through the last five months in which my family relationship structure as I previously understood it got completely obliterated. I feel like “going with the flow while relying upon Dorje Shugden, together with taking and giving for whatever is going on and creating the space in my mind to both not be OK myself and to be OK with those I love not being OK” is how I will rebuild this next phase. This is my new framework for this next phase of my Dharma life. Integrating the insights I gained in my retreat and after it into my life and simply putting into practice what I have realized is how I will rebuild. This is, I think, how I start to move back deeper into the tradition after having been a bit in the wilderness since 2009. This new phase is how I will prepare for my three-year retreat which I hope to do when I retire from my work in about 8-9 years. After my three year retreat, I hope to once again become a Resident Teacher and dedicate the remainder of my days to largely loving my family and helping the Dharma flourish.

I think it will go in waves like this, where there will be various times where I need to completely rebuild based upon new frameworks, this will take me a certain distance until I reach the limits of what that framework can support. It will then collapse on itself in some way, signaling it is time to “die and then rebuild again.” And that’s totally OK, it is just the cycle. No problem. It will still be painful, sure, but it will slowly take me where I need to go.

This is Dorje Shugden’s path for me. I made a pact with him long ago, “please take me to enlightenment as quickly as my karma will allow,” and this is what he is doing. This is Dorje Shugden’s path for me.