We all know the saying “give someone a fish and you feed them for a day, teach them to fish and you feed them for life.” In popular culture, this is often frankly used as an excuse to NOT help people, and we almost never actually teach them to fish either! The retort of course is “do both.” Give them fish while you are teaching them how to do so. While in theory, this makes sense, practically many complications arise based upon how the other person responds to our approach.

People will often want us to solve their problems for them and then get mad at us if we don’t. How’s a bodhisattva to react? First, we need to check the capacity of the other person – are they capable of solving the problem on their own or do they need us to do some aspects for them. Second, we need to offer as much help as necessary to help explain to them HOW they can solve their problems on their own, but leave them to actually do the work. Third, we make ourselves available to answer specific questions that might arise as they go about solving their problems on their own, while preserving a clear boundary about what we will or will not do for them. Fourth, we need to accept that they often will get upset at us if we are not doing their work for them, especially if we have frequently done so in the past. We need to accept this upsetness as purification for our past mistakes and manipulative behavior of others in the past.

Fundamentally, a big part of this is loving the other person enough to believe in them that they can do it. Sometimes we wrongly don’t believe in them, especially when they don’t believe in themselves. When they do it on their own and succeed, their confidence and capacity will grow. If we do it for them, their confidence and capacity will diminish, and they will become either increasingly dependent upon others or never flourish in life always stuck in perpetual doubt. It is, in some cases, a profound act of love to say, “sorry, I can’t help you, you will have to do it yourself. I believe you can do it, and I’m here for you to provide support and guidance as you do so.”

In the long-run, they will likely come to realize our motivation is love wishing for them to become self-sufficient and to know how to solve their own problems on their own. They may resent us in the short-run, but perhaps thank us in the long-run. Even if they don’t and they hate us forever, it doesn’t mean we didn’t do the right thing by relating to them in this way. No, none of this is easy, especially with our kids.

All of this is equally true with being a good Sangha friend helping people along the path. We can’t do their work for them, but we can skillfully help support them as they do their own work.

The challenging case comes when the other person is not willing to do their own work. They wait until the last minute and come to you asking for you to do their work for them, and if you don’t step in, then they will fail and the consequences on their life could be extreme. This is a situation I often find myself in, actually. Sometimes, this situation creeps up gradually, with small instances in the beginning and eventually extreme issues as it becomes a habit. It’s best to arrest this process in the early stages because it becomes harder when we wait until the more extreme situations. When we say “no, we won’t do your work for you,” it will almost always create a negative reaction in the other person. This is normal, and something the other person is just going to have to get used to. They step up or they down, the choice is theirs. Sadly, their reaction is most often to go find somebody else to manipulate into doing their work for them.

But if the consequences of them not getting it done are low, saying no early to small things is often a good life lesson that avoids future more extreme situations. But sometimes the consequences are unacceptably severe for not stepping in and doing their work for them. At such times, you can say, “this is unfair of you to put me in this situation, but I understand the consequences of me not stepping in are too severe. Therefore, I’m telling you now, this is the last time I will do this. Next time, I will let you fail, regardless of the consequences. I don’t help you by doing your work for you, and since I’m only trying to help you, I have to say no. I’m telling you now so you can plan accordingly and not find yourself in a similar situation again in the future. If you fail becuase you didn’t do your work, it will be on you. I can help support you do your work, but I’m not doing your work for you.” They will usually agree to this at the time because what choice do they have – if they don’t get your help now, they’re screwed.

Once the task is done, again, tell them “never again.” Then, tell them again early on when they are given large assignments that you won’t be doing their work for them and they need to plan accordingly. If they then come to you with some urgent situation like before, you will need to hold the line and say no. They very well may fail and they very well may hate you for it for a long time, but you are looking at a larger picture. Our goal is to help everyone become not only self-sufficient individuals, but eventually sources of refuge for all living beings. They will only gain that capacity if they embrace the ethic of wanting to do their own work because they know that is how they grow.

To not do this is to either (1) not believe in them, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and (2) indulges them in not only their laziness but creating negative karma for themselves of manipulating others. At some point, life will require them to perform and they won’t be ready because you haven’t loved them enough to say no to helping them earlier.