Everything is equally good, just in different ways

It is becoming increasingly clear to me that the key to daily happiness is having the right purpose.  If our purpose is to strive to satisfy our desires for wealth, power, pleasure or a good reputation, then some situations we face will seem good and others will seem bad.  If instead our purpose is to train our mind then every situation is equally good, just in different ways.  Since every circumstance we encounter is equally empty and since every circumstance provides an opportunity to oppose delusions and train ourselves in virtuous responses, from the point of view of wishing to train our mind, every situation is equally good.  With such an outlook, we can be happy with anything, anybody, anywhere and anytime.

It may not be immediately obvious to us how every situation is equally useful from the perspective of training our mind, but we at least can know for sure it is.  This is especially true if we have surrendered our karma to Dorje Shugden.  If we have done this, not only is every situation equally good for training our mind, every situation is equally perfect.

So how can we realize how every situation is equally good for training our mind?  There are five things I do (any one of which can work).  First, I ask myself, “what delusions does this situation give me an opportunity to oppose?”  Second, I ask myself, “what virtues does this situation give me an opportunity to practice.”  Third, I ask myself, “what does this situation teach me about the truth of the Dharma.”  Fourth, I ask myself, “what skills does this situation give me an opportunity to build within myself?”  And the fifth thing I do is I request wisdom blessings from Dorje Shugden asking, “please reveal to me how this situation is perfect for training my mind.”  With our reliance on Dorje Shugden, we want to get to the point where we feel within ourselves we have completely surrendered control to him and we say “please do with me what you wish” confident in the knowledge that we are in his care and protection.

Of course, none of this will work if in our root desires we do not value training our mind more than we value our pursuit of wealth, power, pleasure and a good reputation.  This only works if our deepest desire is to train our mind.  So how do we develop this desire?  For me, there are several thoughts which work to help me stay centered in this desire or purpose.  First, I consider how the only thing I can take with me from life to life is the karma I create and the habits of mind I cultivate.  Everything else I have to leave behind.  Second, I consider how happiness depends entirely upon whether my mind is peaceful, not whether I have satisfied my worldly desires.  The less my mind is deluded and the more my mind is virtuous, the more my mind is peaceful and thus the happier I will be.  Third, I remind myself I am working for a purpose larger than myself.  My Spiritual Guide is seeking to forge me into the Buddha I need to become to be able to benefit the beings with whom I have the karma to lead to enlightenment.  The situations he is giving me now are designed to cultivate within me the realizations I need to be able to help these beings.  Knowing that the happiness of countless others in the future depends upon me gaining these realizations now, for their sake I need to learn what needs to be learned and gain experience with what needs to be experienced.

Sometimes it will take a long time before we have reached the point where we are equally happy with every situation, but it seems clear to me if we work in this direction we will get there.  And once we are equally happy with the situation we are currently in, it will be time to move on to the next situation and the next spiritual assignment.

Your turn:  Explain how some “obstacle” in your life is actually “equally good, just in a different way.”

Why people have affairs

At the beginning of many relationships, there is this special magic you feel with the other person.  Your heart naturally feels warm when you think about them, they appear to you to be just a wonderful person, you see good in them, and every once in a while, they also feel the same way about you!  Magic!  This feels so good because in our heart of hearts, we all long to be linked with others by love.  It is as if our heart knows that this feeling of separation and isolation we feel is not the natural state of our relationship with others and we get a glimpse of the experience of loving interconnectedness.

The reason why people have affairs is because they lose this feeling with the person they are with (more on that below).  They then meet somebody (or refind a long lost love from earlier in life), feel that magical spark again, and since it feels so good they start heading towards it.  If there are sexual feelings towards this new person, and especially if the feelings are reciprocal, it is almost an irresistable combination.  They see the difference in the feelings towards their regular partner, become increasingly dissastisfied, and gradually the relationship erodes away.  Affairs are often not just sexual flings, they are usually a by product of having lost that special feeling with the one we are with, and then being hit with it with somebody else.

All of these dynamics occur because we mistakenly think these special feelings reside in and are dependent upon the other person.  We relate to the other person like we relate to any other samsaric object, really, where we believe that happiness resides within the other person and by “consuming” the other person we can get some of it.  The problem is as soon as we start relating to other people like they are samsaric objects that have the power to give us happiness, things start going south!  We start to relate to them like a drug, where we are trying to get our fix, and we need more and more of them to get the same high.  But then they are no longer able to provide us with the same good feelings they once did, and we become frustrated with them because they are not living up to our expectations.  We lose the magic.  We then are willing to do anything to get it back.  We start acting in all sorts of goofy ways towards the other person, alternating between being a sychophant to being a raging lunatic, and then back again.  The relationship grows increasingly dysfunctional, we increasingly blame the other person, and we start to hate ourselves for how we are stuck in such a dynamic.  We blame them for how we are, and so we start hating them.  We have invested so much in chasing the end of the rainbow with them we become willing to do anything to get some good out of the relationship to justify all that we have done.  But the more we run after the mirage, the more it escapes us.  Eventually, we decide to end it.  But we go back – again and again – caught in a vicious cycle.  Eventually, though, we realize it is a cycle and start to break free completely.  At some point we walk away and don’t fall back in.

But if we still grasp at other people as samsaric objects, it is just a question of time before we fall into a similarly dysfunctional dynamic with somebody else.

So how do we protect ourselves against this?  Simple, we need to realize that the magic is within us and within our own mind, and it is in no way dependent upon the other person.  This magic is called affectionate love, and we can cultivate it within our mind with training.  We can feel this magic towards everyone all of the time.  Our affectionate love can become like the sun which radiates out towards all around us.  The sun does not need the objects it illuminates to be a source of warmth, it simply radiates from its own inner fire.  It is the same with affectionate love.  When we know it comes from within and is not dependent upon or sourced in others, then we stop chasing the rainbow and instead we start becoming a loving person.  We learn how to feel affectionate love for everyone around us.  Of course we will express this love differently with different people depending upon our karmic relationship with them, but the warm, magical feelings within us remain within us all of the time.  We must apply effort to cultivate and sustain these feelings, but it is an internal project, not one of stalking and manipulating others to get them to do what we want them to do so we can regain the feelings.

So how do we generate these feelings?  Simple:  take the time to identify and appreciate the good qualities of others.  Each being has within them Buddha nature, so each being has within them all of the qualities and potential for all goodness.  We need to appreciate others.  See the good in others, draw it out, transform all of their faults into opportunities to practice.  Then you will appreciate all that they do, good and bad, and your feelings of affectionate love will be stable and ever lasting.

(Please note, no, I am not having an affair!  I am just reflecting on what I have observed and understood.  Just thought I needed to clarify that!  hee hee)

Your turn:  Describe how relating to others as an object of attachment has created problems in your life.

The middle way of career ambition

It is not easy for a Kadampa to get career ambition correct.  But it is very important that we try if we are to thrive as a tradition in this modern world.  In my view, there are two extremes when it comes to career ambition.  First, is the extreme of not living up to our full professional potential.  Second, is the extreme of becoming attached to worldly success as an end in itself.  The middle way is pursuing your career fully as a skill-building training regime organized by Dorje Shugden to forge you into the Buddha you need to become.

Before we encounter the Dharma, many of us have a well-developed sense of career ambition.  I wanted to be a high-powered engineer, then lawyer, then banker.  We then encounter the Dharma, learn about abandoning worldly concerns, learn how the only thing that matters is gaining realizations, and then we start to think that pursuing a career is inherently mundane.  We look around us at the various examples in the Sangha and see that “to be committed to the spiritual path is to do the minimum amount of normal work as possible so that we can do retreats, etc.”  We come from a historically monastic tradition, so as a tradition we have few examples of professional Kadampas.  This is something new we are learning as a tradition.  There is a cultural bias within the Kadampa community that looks down on those pursuing a normal career, as if doing so is necessarily somebody preoccupied with worldly concerns and not really committed to their practice.  For others, some of us are naturally lazy, not really wanting to do much or accomplish much.  With such a mind, when we encounter the Dharma it provides us the perfect excuse for not pursuing our professional careers!  We now (mis)use the Dharma as our pretext for being lazy and doing nothing.

It is a big problem if, as a tradition, we shun professional life.  We will then evolve into and be perceived as a collection of losers and misfits who only pursue their spiritual lives with full vigor because we have nothing better we are able to do or accomplish with our lives.  Competent, intelligent and professionally capable people will then shun the tradition or certainly not feel at home amongst us.  We will have little chance to thrive and succeed for the long-term if we are a collection of societal “rejects” and “losers”.  People will conclude the Kadampa path is only for those with no life.  And once people start to develop a “life” they will then falsely feel they need to choose between their spiritual life and their newly emerging normal life.  We will become a tradition of people living far below their professional potential, implicitly grasping at professional life as inherently worldly.  Such ignorance is rooted in the unsaid belief that the Dharma cannot be practiced in certain circumstances or ways of life.

The other extreme is to become attached to worldly success as an end in itself.  We pursue worldly goals of wealth, power, reputation for their own sake.  We allow ourselves to become distracted with the concerns of this life.  We start to mistakenly believe our happiness depends upon worldly success in our career.  We allow ourselves to start engaging in negativity in the name of getting ahead.  We start to value our own happiness above that of our colleagues, clients or competitiors.  There is no doubt that the professional, working life is dominated by worldly mentalities.  We can very easily get swept away by such mentalities and come to possess them ourselves.  We start to view every professional setback as an obstacle or a problem, becoming despondent when we don’t achieve what we want.  Later in life, when we are no longer rising in our careers and we start to have to take old people jobs, we become depressed as if our best days are behind us.  When we retire, we feel as if our life has been robbed of all meaning since the only thing we have ever known is our professional careers.  We become sad, depressed individuals, frustrated with our dwindling potential, staring into an increasingly steep descent into irrelevance.

The middle way is to view our professional lives as a skill-building training regime organized by Dorje Shugden to help us develop the skills we will need to become the Buddha we need to become.  We must live up to our full professional potential.  Why?  Because it is in doing so that we will develop the skills we need.  Operating at a higher professional level requires a higher level skill set – working with people, being able to communicate effectively orally and in writing, analytical skills, managerial skills, problem solving skills, creativity, innovation, managing risk, inspiring others, transforming setbacks into opportunities, etc.  We need these skills to be able to help the tradition flourish and to be most effective at helping people.  As a tradition, we also need to gain the realizations for how to maintain a 100% kadampa life in the context of any professional life, from the highest king to the lowest beggar.  To run centers and to enable the tradition to flourish, we need to know how to get things done in this world.  We need the world’s best and brightest not only helping the tradition flourish but occupying the world’s most important and powerful positions so such power and wealth is being used with compassionate, bodhisattva intentions.  And yes, there is a financial component to this.  We need the wealth and resources necessary for the tradition to flourish at a material level.  We do not pursue material development for its own sake, but because we realize there is a material foundation and infrastructure required for the tradition in this world.

Dorje Shugden, our Dhama protector, knows what skills and realizations we need to become the Buddhas we need to become.  We should trust that if he has arranged for us to have certain professional skills and potential that he has done so because it is in developing those skills and living up to that potential that we will gain the realizations and skills we need.  To not live up to our fullest possible professional intention is to waste the conditions he has given us and to deny the fruit of our past virtuous deeds.  We do not seek these things for their own sake, but rather by having them we can help more people.  If we view things through the lens of eventually we need all of the skills and qualities of a modern Kadampa Spiritual Guide, then we will view our professional circumstance as part of our spiritual training.  We will simultaneously live up to our professional potential and our spiritual potential as part of the same continuum.  All contradictions between our so called worldly life and our spiritual life will dissolve away and we will become inspiring examples to all.

Reliance on Dorje Shugden in the context of our careers also enables us to let go of worrying about what happens.  From an ordinary perspective, certain things will be a setback for our career and others will be good; but from a spiritual perspective when we know Dorje Shugden is arranging everything, good or bad, everything that happens to us will be a spiritual boon!  Both success and setbacks in our career give us opportunities to develop spiritually, so we will be able to take in stride (indeed joyful stride) whatever happens in our career.  This takes the stress out of career progression and enables us to focus on the journey.

While I don’t know enough about the Mormon and Jewish communities, and I am sure there are things not worth emulating, we can nonetheless take inspiration from these communities.  Both are minority religious groups who are nonetheless very successsful professsionally.  They possess disproportionate power and wealth relative to their numbers in the world.  Culturally, they value hard work, discipline, and living up to their full professional potential.  Externally, we should be just as professionally successful as they are, but internally our motivations are 100% Kadampa.

Your turn:  Describe a situation where have fallen into one of the extremes of career ambition and what you learned from that.

Cherishing others enough to listen to them

Our self-grasping ignorance falsely convinces us that we are just our ordinary body and mind.  It seems natural to cherish ourselves, but what we are confused about is who we really are.  In reality, we are the fully inter-dependent mandala of all living beings, of which our ordinary body and mind are but one small part, like one of countless limbs on the body of life.  We cherish all living beings not out of self-martyrdom but rather because doing so is simply more accurate in terms of cherishing who we really are.  Instead of seeking to optimize what is best for the small, ignorant conception of self; we seek to optimize what is best for our full selves, namely the ocean of all living beings.

People will not be open to your perspective if they do not feel you understand them.  If you speak without first demonstrating that you fully understand where they are coming from, they will dismiss what you have to say and they will spend their time trying to explain to you their perspective.  As banal as it is to say, it is impossible to demonstrate you understand somebody if you do not know how to listen to them.  People know when you are really listening and when you are actually just planning on what you are going to say.

If you look at all of the great examples within ours and other traditions what you find is people who actually know how to listen to others as an act of cherishing them.  How do we do this?  I would say there are four key elements to effective listening:

  1. Shut off completely your own inner commentary and just try to understand where the other person is coming from.  Generate a sincere desire to understand the other person.
  2. Accept the other person without judgement, regardless of what it is they are saying.
  3. Have no ulterior, selfish motive where you are in any way attached to or dependent upon what choices the other person makes.  In other words, you only want what is best for them.
  4. You filter everything you hear through the lens of how everything that is happening to the other person is actually perfect in terms of giving the other person an opportunity to work on improving themselves.

Developing the skill of listening well is one of the most important qualities we need to develop along the bodhisattva path.  Fortunately, this is a skill we can practice developing all day, every day.  Very often the mere act of really listening to somebody is all we need to do to help them.  They are able to verbalize what is happening to them, and by doing so they can better see and understand their own situation and how they should proceed.  When we accept them without judgement, they are able to accept themselves.  By seeing how what is happening to them is perfect, they miraculously start to see things the same way without us even having to say a word.

Your turn:  Give an example from your life where simply listening to somebody helped them.

Contributing to, not taking from the world

Every moment of every day we face a choice in terms of our strategy for engaging with the world.  It all turns on what we are trying to do at any given moment.  The choice is between contributing to the world in some way or seeking to take from the world in some way.  The former accumulates merit and creates the causes for a future of abundance (material, emotional and spiritual).  The latter burns up our merit and creates the causes for a future of impoverishment (material, emotional and spiritual).

The question we should ask ourselves in every situation is “how can I add value?”  Normally, however, the question we are asking ourselves is “how can I get what I want?”  Sometimes we are tring to get somebody to do something for us.  Sometimes we are cleverly not doing what we should be doing in the hopes that others will do it for us.  Sometimes we are chasing after some pleasure.  Sometimes we go fishing for compliments or affirmations that others see value in us.  Sometimes we are trying to steal the limelight or the credit for what was in fact the work of a team.  Sometimes we are seeking for everybody to be in agreement that we are the best, and that those we are threatened by are morons.  If we are not adding value to the world, but instead are constantly trying to harvest samsara’s goodies, how will we know anything but destitution in the future?

In our relationships, we are constantly trying to manipulate others into doing what we want – sometimes what we want is for them to like us, sometimes we want them to just leave us alone, sometimes we want them to do some work for us, sometimes we are trying to get them to live up to our expectations for them.  Often times we just want to feel loved.  But the more we grasp at these things, the more elusive they become, leaving us feeling despondent, frustrated, needy and bitter.  What kind of life is that?

John F. Kennedy famously said, “ask now what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.  In his prayer, St. Fancis of Asisis said “O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love.”  In the Tao Te Ching it says “if you want to be given everything, give everything up.”  Ghandi sought to place zero demands on the world, but to only give.  Shantideva said considering ourselves important is the root of all suffering and considering others important is the root of all happiness.  What are all these poining to?  In every moment we need to seek to give, not get; to contribute, not take; to invest in the future, not consume our future now.

Of course the choice is ours.  The reason why we choose to take instead of to contribute is because we value our happiness now more than our happiness in the future.  The irony is the satisfaction, even in the present, that comes from investing in a better future far outstrips the temporary pleasure that comes from taking now.  It is hard to make this switch in life strategy, but all of the holy beings guarrantee us it is worth the effort!

Your turn:  Give an example of how you are currently taking from the world.  What are you going to do differently now?

Please make dedications for Paul Ashton

He is a close Sangha friend of mine who was just diagnosed with cancer.

For details, please read:  http://realkadampa.wordpress.com/2012/10/04/prayers-for-paul-ashton/

The world is the nature of mind

The entire universe and everything within it are one single entity – my mind.  It is like a giant play dough that assumes different aspects in dependence upon which karma is ripening.  Samsara is uncontrolled rebirth in an uncontrolled world.  Why is the world and our rebirth uncontrolled?  Because our mind is uncontrolled.  Since the world is the nature of our mind, if our mind is uncontrolled our world and rebirth are uncontolled because these are one and the same thing.  Because my mind twists and contorts in deluded and contaminated ways, the world, which is the same entity as this mind, also twists and contorts in an uncontrolled and contaminated way.

If I bring my mind under control, then the world will also come under control, again because the world and my mind are the same entity, like two names for the same thing.  The Lamrim cycle is like the ultimate anti-delusion mental multi-vitamin.  Directly or indirectly all delusions find their opponent in the lamrim.  A systematic, daily practice of the lamrim carried out over the course of a lifetime will gradually pacify all delusions and bring our mind (and by extension our world) under control.  There may be times when we need to pay particular attention to applying more direct opponents to specific delusions which are arising, but our main emphasis for our whole life is a systematic practice of the lamrim.

Within the context of our tantric practice, we try gain expereince of the recognition that the nature of the world is our mind, but the nature of our mind is the ocean of bliss and emptiness.  The world is the bliss and emptiness of our mind assuming the shape or appearing in the aspect of the world.  Our job is to transform through our generation stage practice the shape of the ocean of our mind of bliss and emptiness into a Keajra.  We transform all the beings of our world, who are likewise aspects or waves or parts of the same entity of our mind of bliss and emptiness into pure beings abiding in this pure world.  To get some feeling for this, the key recognition is to feel like our mind of bliss and emptiness is like the ‘land’ in Pure Land.   In this sense, pure land and pure mind are synonyms, or even two different names for the same thing.  It is not enough to just intellectually understand this, but try to experience your world in this way.

One thing that can easily give rise to doubts about the relationship between our mind and the world is it seems like we can change our mind, but the world remains exactly as it was before.  In other words, by changing our mind we change nothing.  We observe this and then falsely conclude that changing our mind changes nothing or that there is no relationship between the world and our mind.  The answer to this doubt is to understand karmic inertia.  Once a karmic seed has ripened, it cannot be stopped until it has run its course.  Every karmic seed when ripened creates effects for a certain duration of time.  The world as we know it is the collective effect of countless karmic seeds that have ripened.  Each one of these seeds will have a certain duration to them, and no matter how I change my mind, those seeds will still need to run their course and I need to accept this.  But, if starting now I create new karmic seeds and I activate new karmic seeds, then gradually the karmic inertia can shift in new directions.  I create new karmic seeds by engaging in new actions, and I ripen these seeds through creating a hospitable environment for virtuous seeds to ripen (I make my mind rich in virtue through generating and maintaining virtuous minds).  If I do these two things, together with rely completely upon Dorje Shugden, then gradually the karmic inertia within my mind can and will shift – oftentimes quite quickly and dramatically once the old karma has burned itself off and once the new kamra has reached a critical mass creating a ‘tipping point.’

We engage in our generation stage practice of generating a pure land and then believing that we are abiding within it not because it is objectively true or our living expeirence, but because generating and believing in the pure land is a virtuous action which then plants new karmic seeds on our mind which when they ripen will be as we imagined.  Further, the generation stage environment is a virtuous environment that is propitious for virtuous and pure seeds to ripen, so it accomplishes both of the conditions necessary for changing our karmic inertia.  If we do these things with sufficient quantity of seeds and over a sufficiently long period of time, our karma can and will shift, bringing about the new world which is reflective of the nature of our mind.  Our mind is like an enormous mass whose outer aspect may currently be in the shape of a samsara, but if deep within this mass we are generating and pushing outwards new shapes, it will eventually start to reshape even the outer aspect of our mind (the world).

Your turn:  Take the biggest problem in your life – now realize that this problem is the nature of your own mind.  How does this change your perspective on the situation?

The Kadampa “Assignments Officer”

In the State Department, we rotate jobs every 2-3 years throughout our career.  The rationale behind this is simple:  the end goal they are after is forging us into Ambassadors, but an Ambassador needs to be good at everything.  Normally, after spending 2-3 years in a given job, you have learned probably 80-90% of everything there is to learn about the job.  Of course, you could always go deeper and become more of an expert, but the rate of learning shows diminishing returns.  So it becomes time to move on and gain a new 80-90% set of skills doing something else.  In short, moving around all of the time helps us avoid getting stuck in a rut.

An additional rationale for moving people around all of the time is to avoid the mistake of false universal assumptions.  Very often, when we are in one place (or situation) for a long time we get assimilated into the view of that place.  There are two dangers to this.  First, we can start to mistakenly think that everybody must view things in the same way as they do where you are at; and second, you can start to believe that the view of this area is superior to all others and therefore lose your appreciation for multiple perspectives.  In short, moving around all of the time helps us avoid being narrow-minded.

Within the human resources department, there is somebody called your “assignments officer.”  Their job is to match the needs of the Department with your career development objectives all in the optic of a long-term plan of helping you cultivate all of the skills you will need to operate effectively at the highest levels.

When you think about it, this is exactly the same as what happens within the Kadampa family.  The long-term goal is to train people up to become Ambassadors for all of the Buddhas (fully qualified Kadampa Spiritual Guides).  We are all moved around again and again.  Gen Lekma once said, “be wary of the day you get too comfortable, because that is the day Venerable Geshe-la will move you!”  A lot of people looking at this process, particularly as it relates to Resident Teachers, from the outside mistakenly view these constant moves as “punishments” or view VGL as “vindictive.”  Not at all!  He is rather telling us it is time to move on to our next assignment.  Sometimes we embrace this, sometimes we resist.  Sometimes he asks us to go somewhere, sometimes he fires us.  But the goal is always the same – it is time for us to move on so we can build new skills and realize new things.

For most Kadampas, however, we dont’ receive emails from VGL telling us where to go next.  So are we deprived of having an enlightened assignments officer?  No.  Rather, our assignments officer is the Dharma Protector, Dorje Shugden.  His long term goal is to forge us int the Buddha we need to become, he knows what realizations we need to gain and in what order, and his job is to arrange all the outer and inner conditions we need to gain those realizations.  Of course, we have to do our spiritual assignments, but Dorje Shugden arranges for us the assignments we need to take the next step on our spiritual path.  Sometimes our moving on will be joyful and sometimes it will be traumatic, but in both cases it will be what we need to continue our spiritual growth.

Your turn:  Describe a major career or life change you have gone through and what did you learn from making that change?

To cherish others we need to understand their perspective

Most human conflict comes from a failure to understand the perspective of the people we are interacting with.  We interpret their actions through the lens of our own perspective, not theirs.  As a result, we misunderstand their intentions, conclude they are being unreasonable and enter into conflict with them.  The internet society, in which everyone cocoons themselves in a virtual world of people who share exactly their own perspective then reinforces this polorization of perspectives and amplifies the conflict.  The solution to this sort of conflict is to first take the time to understand the other person’s perspective and then to consider important for ourselves whatever is important to them.

How do we understand the other person’s perspective?  The starting point is to assume they are acting in good faith.  Most inter-perspective misunderstandings come from assuming that people are not acting in good faith, and as a result they misunderstand everything the other person is saying.  They then accuse the other person of not acting in good faith, the other person then goes on the defensive or starts to counter-attack saying the same thing.  Then the discussion becomes about each side defending against false accusations instead of real problem solving.  This dynamic is true between rich and poor, majority and minority, black and white, between any two countries and also between those who have a unicultural perspective and those who have an inter-cultural perspective.  This last one is playing itself out in virtually every country between those who are uniculturally whatever country or region they are coming from and those who are participating in the project of globalization.  At an interpersonal level, once again, most conflicts come from this same problem and pattern of misunderstanding.  So first, unless you have compelling proof otherwise, always assume the other person is acting in good faith, just with a different set of priorities, values and understandings of how things work.

The second thing we need to do is to learn to cherish what the other person considers to be important.  We talk all the time in the Dharma about cherishing others.  But practically speaking, how do we do this?  We primarily do this by taking the time to understand what is important to the other person and then to likewise take the time to realize how what they consider to be important has real value – in other words we need to learn how to realize the importance of what they consider to be important.  To cherish something means to consider it to be important.  We find out what is important to others and then we learn to appreciate the importance of that.  Of course, if what the other person considers to be important is wrong or harmful, we can reject that, but most of the time people just value different things.

The irony is this:  when we demonstrate that we understand the other person’s perspective and we also consider to be important what they consider to be important then they come to trust us and believe us when we speak.  Then they will be open to listening to what we have to say, and real communication can take place.  They can then also come to understand and appreciate our perspective and there is a real chance the differences can be worked out.

Your turn:  View yourself through the perspective of the person with whom you have the most problems.  What does this teach you?

Helping people make their own decisions

When people come to me for advice, I have a terrible tendency to tell them what to do instead of help them come to their own decision.  Our job as bodhisattvas is to help people cultivate within themselves the wisdom to make their own sound decisions.  If we always tell people what they should do, then it may help them in their current situation, but it doesn’t help them learn to be able to make their own decisions in future situations.  As banal as it may seem, it is the whole “teach a man to fish” logic.  Likewise, when somebody makes their own decision, they “own it” and therefore it has much more power within their mind.

When we give people the answers, we also sometimes risk them rejecting our advice because they may feel like we are imposing something on them or somehow depriving them of their freedom to make their own choices.  Alternatively, if we give people the answers, we can sometimes create a spiritual laziness in the other person where they just let us tell them what to do without them doing the internal work of figuring out for themselves what they should do (and thereby improve their spiritual decision making).  In such a situation, it may seem like they have faith, but we are actually depriving them of developing their own wisdom.

Does this mean we should never give people advice of what to do?  Of course not.  But there are conditions for when we should do so.  First, we should make sure that they are actually asking for our advice.  If they are not, we should definitely not give them any (except under very extreme circumstances).  Second, we should make it absolutely clear that the other person is completely free to ignore our advice without there being any emotional or relational penalty.  Third, we should do so more in general principles of how to approach the problem, not the specifics of what they should exactly do (so you give them a direction, but leave them to figure out how the general principle specifically applies to their situation).  Fourth, and most importantly, we should always make sure the other person understands the “why” behind our advice, not just the “what” they should do.

When you do offer advice, do so in the verbal context of telling an illustrative story about something that happened to you once or about somebody else you know without directly applying the story to their situation (let them make that connection).  Or at the limit, say something like “if it was me, I would do …”

As a general rule, when we offer advice to others, we should do so as part of a general program of gradually weaning them off of us telling them what to do.  In the beginning, people will want us to tell them specifically what they should do.  This is not necessarily a bad thing because if they do so for enough time they will learn and gain some experience with spiritual decision making and understand the “why” they are doing things in that way.  Over time, they start to become familiar with these “whys” and see that the correct spiritual choice works, so they are then able to better make good decisions in the future on their own.  Then we gradually wean them off of us telling them what they should do by asking them more questions which then leads them to their own answers.  Eventually, they won’t need to come to us as much because they have become sufficiently familiar with the key principles of their spiritual decision making that they no longer need to come to us.

So as hard as it is for me, I have recently been putting a great deal of emphasis on holding back from telling people what to do and instead just talking generally or asking more questions.

(Ha ha!  I just re-read this post, and the whole thing is written in the language of me telling you, the reader, what you should do!  How ironic!  I was going to go back and change it to “I am trying to do …”, but I find it so funny the way it is that I decided to just leave it.  Have a good laugh!  I clearly have a long way to go!)

Your turn:  What skillful advice do you have about how to help people make good decisions on their own?